N-ablers

[Guest2]

on the father's day thread people are talking about the other parent or other persons who enable the N.   I would like to start a conversation about that.  Is there anyone out there whose other parent stayed and defended them, or got away from the N?

[jophil]

The damage that NPD people do is like organised crime - it can only continue as long as others agree to look the other way.
The 'enabler' allows the damage to progress and deepen by passively living in a kind of denial about the extent of the problem.
My mother is a classic example -she came from an alcoholic family and married my father who was a brutal ,cruel abuser who waged psychological war at home. I am an army brat. She stood by and watched  because ,"he was a good provider" ( of her needs) . She had four children and had a nervous breakdown when I was 4 years old and defends him to this day even though he has been dead 11 years. She is a feeble weakling who always avoided any 'tough stuff', prefering to live her life in the 'fluff zone'.
Between my four  siblings and I, we have accumulated -seven marriages, six divorces, alcoholism and substance abuse, bipolar disorder, several varieties of anxiety disorders, cancer, NPD, hypertension and one case of bankruptcy. She still refuses to see that our difficulties have any connection to our parenting.

John/.

[OR]

Guest

Having an N mother, my father often looked the other way.
I remember telling him about the hurtful things she would say, telling him how unfair she would be. I don't remember him doing much about any of it.

Today they are divorced and he really did see the same things as I did. He never wanted to confront or knew what to do about it. I wish he would have just let me know my feelings were valid and he saw the same things when I needed him to see them.  

I love my Dad with all my heart, I accept he did nothing about my mother.
I have no relationship with my mother for over 28 yrs. I left home at 18, could not take her abuse one minute longer.
 I found a much bigger N, with my husband, I guess for what ever reason I was ment to stay and learn about an N one way or the other.

I had difficulties seeing behaviors from others as abusive because I was never confident or sure I knew my own feelings were valid. Identifing the problem means you need to know how to fix it, I don't think the knowledge was there at the time.

I learned that ignoring things finding away around that hurt, to go on, let it go, my feelings were not worth speaking about.

I have learned to be more effective in my life, from the help here.
I could cry sometimes about not having a voice for so long.
I love this site Im glad for the internet........OR

[Plucky Guest2]

I have learned to be more effective in my life, from the help here.
I could cry sometimes about not having a voice for so long.
I love this site Im glad for the internet........OR
 

 

Thanks to OR and jophil.  I can't respond yet.  I don't want to start crying as I don't have much privacy right now.

[mum]

I know this place helps validate my decision to leave the N father of my children. I knew I was doing it for them as much as myself, but to know about adult whose parent should have, but didn't stand up to it, makes me sad for all of you, but so relieved that in fighting this fight, I may someday see the healthy results in my children.

[Plucky Guest2]

I had difficulties seeing behaviors from others as abusive because I was never confident or sure I knew my own feelings were valid.

Ditto.  I also didn't even know what a good relationship felt like.  So a bad one felt like something at least.  Familiar.  Even comfortable.  A good one felt funny.  Like a new pair of shoes.   I kind of still don't know.    Ok I realy still don't know.  I just know that this is wrong and I have to fix it for my kids, now.

I relied on the reactions of others to let me know when I was being used or abused.  For the things that were too private or embarrassing or which had been forgotten, they were never evaluated.

Identifying the problem means you need to know how to fix it....

I don't think this is true.   Everyone on this board knows they have problems and are looking for answers.    I think finding the answers is a process.

I learned that ignoring things, finding a way around that hurt, to go on, let it go, my feelings were not worth speaking about.

You are SO wrong.  Telling your feelings here is so healing.  It is purging the wound.  Getting the splinter out.  Your feelings are the only true thng that cannot be faked, even when you have yourself and everyone around you fooled.

I have learned to be more effective in my life, from the help here.
I could cry sometimes about not having a voice for so long.
I love this site Im glad for the internet........OR

Yes.  My feelings exactly.  My heart was about to break and screamed into cyberspace.  You were there to hear me and heal me.  Thank you.  If you are reading this, you are helping me.
Plucky G2
[/quote]

[OR]

Plunky, Im gald I could help.

The comments

Identifying the problem means you need to know how to fix it....

These are feelings from long ago, a time when I was a child thinking about my Father who would not admit the problems with my mother and I.

If I was not clear what I wanted to express is

I was a child and did not know how to fix the problems with my Mother and expected my father to show me how.
Maybe He did not know how to help, therefore he would not admit to me there was a problem to deal with .  


OR

[Plucky Guest2]

Hey OR,

I was a child and did not know how to fix the problems with my Mother and expected my father to show me how.
Maybe He did not know how to help, therefore he would not admit to me there was a problem to deal with .

Oh, yes.  I think that is partofthe problem with my husband.  my stuff (and his stuff too) is too deep for him to see the way out.  So he does not even want to enter the tunnel.

Is there some reason you capitalize "Mother" and "He"(father)?

[OR]

Plucky No reason, Im a sloppy writer.

Looking at that Cap on Mother and not on Father could mean I thought my mother was more powerful than my father???? Intresting.
This may be a true statement.

The tunnel you speak of is dark, but the other end can be so much brighter if you press through the pain.  

Acknowledgement, facing the pain, expressing healthy resolutions and seeing the problem for what it is. Saying sorry and forgive.
Never admitting there is a problem leaves you with nothing but pain burried alive, ready to come back with a vengence  over and over.

Its late have a great Fathers day Take care ........OR