Need help to manage my own anger

[Anonymous]

Hello Plucky:

After a limb is amputated, there is often something that occurs called:  Phantum Pain.

It's a pain the person imagines is coming from the limb that is gone, the limb that has been amputated.  This pain feels very real for the person who has lost a limb....so real.....it's a very odd thing.   There is no limb, yet the person feels pain from it.  Very strange indeed.  Phantum pain is actually caused  by the nerve endings, where they have been cut from the removed limb.  The impression is that the limb is paining, but the realitiy is the nerves are sending weird signals to the brain.

It's possible, your pain is a bit like phantum pain, in that ..the cause...seems to be a horrible event....the rape.... which is like the missing limb....it's gone.....it's over......yet there still seems to be pain?  It's very confusing.  You faced your fears and yet the pain continues.  You looked and saw that the limb is gone, but the pain is still there.

It is also possible that the messages your mother was giving you, as per the "Are you pretty" thread, the messages that devalued you, caused you to feel unworthy, unlovable, deserving of being treated badly.....all of that is like the nerve endings....sending the weird signals to the brain.....telling it a false message.....trying to make it think the limb is still there....the message that this is all because of the rape......when the actual cause of the pain....originates in those sneaky little nerve endings.....those messages from your mother from long ago.

Does that make any sence?

So what to do then?  The limb is gone and yes, a prosthesis is a great idea.....it will help make you feel whole again, get you up and moving, but those darn nerve endings won't quit giving you pain unless you deal with them.  How?

By thickening up the skin covering the stump where the limb was removed from (some of the nerve endings causing pain are in the skin, so if the skin gets thicker, it will lessen the discomfort by protecting the nerve endings some).
How again?
By putting specific and increasing pressure on that stump end, until the skin toughens up.

In the case of your mother's messages, this means crawling around on them for awhile, putting pressure on them, staanding on them, (to find their true meaning...not the one your mother intended...but the underlying N reasons for saying such things..and more so...the effect of her words on you), a little at a time, and soon the skin will be thick enough for a new prosthesis to be worn for short periods, then longer and longer.

Answer: yes, yes, and yes. You are very perceptive. Your comments are so spot on.

Thanks Plucky.  I'm just guessing a lot of the time.  Sometimes it makes sense to people, other times, not.  Thankyou, though, for the compliment and I'm glad stuff is making sense to you.  If it helps....that's all that matters.

I don't like to think of you feeling this deep rage, bubbling inside, being contained.....for a lifetime....or until it explodes!   That doesn't sound good for you, for your marriage, or especially for your children.

So toughen up that skin on that missing limb, Plucky.  It will hurt to really put pressure on the past and see what awful, harmful, painful messages were given to you but it will also make everything clearer, the twisted messages, the lies, which can then be disposed of by you.

Squash those messages, one by one, walk on them, step on them, stand on them.....they are all lies.  You are a lovable person who deserves love, respect, kindness, caring and you are worthy of those things....you deserve them.  Kill the phantum messages from the nerve endings and the phantum pain will disappear, squash the twisted messages and make new tapes.  This may really help you, is my best bet.

Thanks to this board, I am able to really start healing. I should be ready for a prosthesis any day now.

That's a good attitude!  Good for you Plucky!  

GFN

[Plucky Guest 2]

I don't like to think of you feeling this deep rage, bubbling inside, being contained.....for a lifetime....or until it explodes! That doesn't sound good for you, for your marriage, or especially for your children.

Um, have you read my first post?  It has already happened.  That is what made me reach out and find this board and begin to shart the healing process in earnest, instead of the band-aiding process that had broken down.

Thank you for your analysis, for reading all my stuff, for taking the time to think about it, for cheering me on.  I am not sure what I would have done without being able to come here and read and understand all the bizarre behavior that I have just accepted over the years.

[Anonymous]

Hi again Plucky:

Yes, I did read your first post and I guess I thought there might be more of those similar feelings waiting to be released.   Only you will know if that is or isn't so for you.   I'm glad it's helping you to understand stuff.  It's helping me too.

Glad to read, give my thoughts and ideas anytime!  Thankyou for appreciating that!

Still cheering you on!

GFN

[Plucky]

Yes, I did read your first post and I guess I thought there might be more of those similar feelings waiting to be released.

Good point.  I do not know what is on the horizon.  But I think the tide has shifted.  The anger was building up because it has been held back and denied.  I was sooooooo angry without properly understanding why.  I knew what made me angry, but not the whole framework of the situation I was brought up in and all the subsequent events caused by the way I was brainwashed.    I felt so out of control and struggled to control everything in my life that I could.  Yes, I was/am not always an easy person to be close to.

Now I just feel such a sense of relief.  I can weed out the craziness from the normality.  I can disregard and discard the craziness and not let it determine what I do in future.  I can stop looking for explanations that have to do with something being wrong with me, as a child and young adult.  Yes, there are lots of things wrong with me now, but I can work on them.  They are not some mysterious thing that I don't know and will never undertand that make me deserve to be treated as invisible, or ugly inside, or forever wicked.      

I do feel a profound sense of sadness and I am physically exhausted, although as I mentioned somewhere I have decreased my activity lately.  I feel tired to the bone.  

I once had this feeling on a spa week.  All week I was tired to the bone as my tension and toxins were worked out through massage and exercise.  I guess this is the same thing, and I am just going to allow it (new for me) and allow myself the time to rest up and rejuvenate.

I feel as if I have been dragging a two tonne whale behind me, and stopping at intervals to give it mouth to mouth.  It feels so good to let it go.

[longtire]

Plucky, I could have written this post.  I identify with your description of the "mysterious thing" that is causing all the problems.  I used to think the same thing, that I was somehow "invisibly poisonous" to relationships.  I finally woke up and realized that I wasn't poisonous, I was choosing to be around people who were VISIBLY poisonous and tolerating their behavior.  It was my pent up rage coming out that finally forced me to start confronting things instead of running away emotionally.  Anger will take control if it is not confronted.

I am still adjusting to moving out from my wife, but it is a good adjustment.  Sometimes difficult, but so far every single day gets better than the previous one.  I know that has to level off sometime, but life is better than I imagined it could be for me.  It drives home that there wasn't ever anything inherently wrong with me, I was just making certain choices and suffering the poor consequences.  I've changed my choices and get to enjoy the good  consequences now.

If you've been dragging a whale all your life, then walking upright is going to feel strange and unusual.  At least until you get used to it. I can just picture the whale's sides puffing out as you give it mouth to mouth.  You are making great progress and doing a LOT of work, even if you can't see it.  Continue to take care of yourself and get enough rest.  You talk about releasing the toxins.  I have the image of a splinter working its way to the surface.  Its a relief when it is finally out, but there is still some redness and swelling that takes a few days to go away.

Keep up the good work!

[Plucky G2]

It drives home that there wasn't ever anything inherently wrong with me, I was just making certain choices and suffering the poor consequences. I've changed my choices and get to enjoy the good consequences now.

It's amazing how difficult it is to uproot that bad message.  I'm glad your daily experience is so validating.  Thank you for your input.

I did backslide today.  My husband is at a business dinner which starts at 6, he said, and he said, the restaurant is really slow, and he can't remember the name of it.   I just ignored him, but then I was snapping at the kids.  I think I will have to move my plan to get out up a notch!   At 9 he was not back.   Hmmmmm......

[Anonymous]

Longtire:

so far every single day gets better than the previous one.

I'm sooo glad to hear this!  It can been seen in your posts too.  They are getting more and more like materpieces!!  You're walking at a good pace now!  I knew you could do it!  Good for you!!

I think I will have to move my plan to get out up a notch!

Hi Plucky.  Sorry if you've answered this elsewhere, I must have missed it.  Do you mean "out" as in going out, finding your own interests/activities to enjoy, or "out" as in leaving for good?  Only if you feel comfy answering, ofcourse.

GFN

[longtire]

It drives home that there wasn't ever anything inherently wrong with me, I was just making certain choices and suffering the poor consequences. I've changed my choices and get to enjoy the good consequences now.

It's amazing how difficult it is to uproot that bad message.

It's a weed with deep roots.  Keep putting pressure on it and one of these days (when you least expect it) it will !POP! out of the ground.  I keep finding little offshoots left behind, but now that the main root is pulled, they are easy to pull out too.

[Plucky Guest2]

Hi Plucky. Sorry if you've answered this elsewhere, I must have missed it. Do you mean "out" as in going out, finding your own interests/activities to enjoy, or "out" as in leaving for good? Only if you feel comfy answering, of course.

I mean out as in FREE!  My H will not go for counseling, we did once and just used his passive aggressive means to torpedo it.  Now we no longer have the money.    I will have to get a job, as he has sabotaged my work to get tenants in our rental property and now we are in dire straits.  He claims to support my being home with the kids, but then he will not stop his spending, or agree to do simple things like take a lunch to work.  (He eats alone at his desk, he says, so what would he be giving up?)

I feel like he has made my feelings about my past worse by acting as if it all a shameful secret that he does not want to know about.  He has made it clear that he does not want to really know me or hear my voice, saying things like "I wsh you would just shut up" and "I like 60% of you but the rest I wish would just disappear".   I am to the point where I don't care what he does, as long as he does not spend money on it or bring anything home.

I think my H has a lot of anger inside too, but has a lot of self control and a much bigger motivation to keep it all in.  He triggers my anger as a way to sublimate what he cannot express.  I an not going to stay here and be his anger puppet.  I'm tired of being angry, irritated, on the verge of losing control. I feel so much better now that I have started to plan.  Also, I see how my children could benefit.    Before, I only saw the hurt they would experience and that stopped me.

I am reading here all the issues people have wth malignant exes and want to really have my ducks lined up.   I only want enough money from him to make sure I can take care of the kids.  I also want to make sure I can keep the kids. He still tries to make me explode, perhaps so he can get ammunition to take them away, although I am sure he cannot look after them!

I know he will resist, at least he has in the past.  He started cutting himself the last time I talked about breaking up.  I am not going ot let that stop me this time.

Ok.  Thanks for letting me empty my sack here.
Feeling somewhat less but still
Plucky

[Anonymous]

No problem Plucky:

It's good to keep emptying that sack here.  Gotta help a little.  You've got a lot to deal with.  Big changes.  Lot's of losses too.  And the hurts your husband has added...to recover from.  And your children to care for.  That's a big load!

I'm glad you are planning.  It's a good thing that will help you get through it.   Tough when finances are a problem.

I guess the first step is to find a job.  Best of luck to you in that!  I will pray that something you'll be pleased with comes along for you.

Keep venting here if you need to.  All of this would be frustrating for me, I think.  I might be writing nasty letters and ripping them up, in order to get my feelings out and not cause further ruckus.  Would this help you I wonder?

His threats of self harm, if they appear, are just a ploy.  I'm glad you aren't going to allow them to stop your plans.

You don't have to talk about those plans yet either, right?  You can plan and plan and think and vent and write and do whatever you need to...to help yourself along.  He can eat his lunch where ever he wants.

I know it hurts though.  Some committment eh?  Doesn't like 40% of you eh?  What percentage of him do you like?  Sorry Plucky, for the pain of that.  Maybe you can think of him as ....a temporary house mate?
Would that help?  Pay little interest in what he's doing, really, and focus on your kids and your plans for awhile?   Maybe you're all ready trying to do that.  

Another big hug (((((((Plucky))))))).

'cause I feel your hurt.    

GFN

[Plucky]

Another big hug (((((((Plucky))))))).
'cause I feel your hurt.    
GFN

Thank you.  I'll keep trying to dig this splinter, more like a tumor, out.  I want it out!  by posting here.  Thank you GFN.

[Plucky]

Otay!
My unperceptive husband has finally noticed that I am acting more distant.  He said he does not understand why I totally hate him now.

I said that I had given up all hope for the relationship.  The ride begins.  I had already asked for a separation but I guess he didn't notice that.  I asked for a month where we were all scheduled to go visit his parents.  I said, why don't you go alone?  I need some time to think.

Of course since I suggested it, he was against it.  So now we are negotiating.  It is challenging, since he never seems to hear much of what I say.

He also said that it would only be fair to the two of us if each of us got one child!    Oh God, is this what I'm in for?  I told him that it was not about what was "fair" to US, it was about the kids and would it be good for them to lose a parent and a sibling too?  Not to mention that he works full time and travels frequently - who is going to be looking after them?  And he can't even stand them for more than a few hours!   Then he either starts shouting or puts them on a video.

So my planning stage was short.  I will just have to roll with the punches.  And he is going to be nasty, I know it.

I think he just wants the child as company and a validation that he has someone.   Please don't let this process hurt my children!

[mum as guest]

((((Plucky)))))
The man is surprised?  He really doesn't pay attention does he?
Please know that I'll be behind you with whatever you need to do!!
My ex wanted to only have "one child at a time", so although what your ex said is out of control IDIOTIC, I have heard it before.  At least my ex wanted to see both kids!  Anytime you can show he is behaving in HIS best interest and not the kids (that comment is blatently so!) then good for you.
Actually, if this is how ridiculous your ex is, then you may have an easier time of it than you think.  Just document this comment and everything. Really would have helped me, I think!!!
 Hang in there, sister.  Sending you strength.

[Plucky]

I just posted a new topic.  Not sure what to do now.  I guess I have to be strong and hold it all together.  At least I have practice.  Thanks for helping me.