I think my sister-in-law/coworker is a destructive N

[NotSureButSuspicious]

It is hard for me to be certain, but from all that I have read in the last couple of months, and all that I have experienced emanating from this "person" (I'm not sure if that word is the correct one for her), I have become pretty well convinced that my coworker of 10 years, who became my sister-in-law (by marriage to her only brother, who she introduced me to and who is NOTHING like her, fortunately) almost 2 years ago, is a destructive N. I'd had problems with her in the past at work, but it seems that since I married her brother, she has devalued me completely, and I find it best to try to avoid her as much as possible, in the very small office we work in and in our social lives. How can I know, and what can I do? I had hoped to somehow "make up with her" for the things that she *thinks* I've done to her at work and outside (if only she had a heart, she might be able to see that I have never, ever purposely done anything to hurt her or cause her problems; she on the other hand has been extremely toxic, mainly through negative gossip about me and through her general treatment of me), but I have come to the conclusion that this is impossible with a person such as her, and now I just basically treat her as she does me, like I "don't care" about her, and I try to avoid her as much as possible. Any advice??

[jophil]

Maybe she is just an immature,envious, destructive,undermining, devious,conniving,self propelled,egocentric B***H !. Be grateful! It could be a lot worse she could be NPD!! (A little of my humor here)

The behaviors of NPDs are at the extreme end of the 'bad s**t' continuum.
Start with the DSM 4 descriptors and add to your knowledge at this forum and other web sites... It is true - you can't choose your relatives -damn it!

Johnimo

[Plucky]

I have come to the conclusion that this is impossible with a person such as her, and now I just basically treat her as she does me, like I "don't care" about her, and I try to avoid her as much as possible. Any advice??

Sounds like you've got it sussed.  Why rock the boat?  Do you think, really truly, deep down, it will work if you try to "make up" wth her for nonexistent things she claims you have done?  Go with your gut.
Plucky

[NotSureButSuspicious]

Thank you both for your replies. You are right. I realized that the only way she can really hurt me is if I allow it, by my reaction to her treatment (or silent treatment) of me. I will continue to care about her as I would any human being and respect the fact that she is my sister-in-law and coworker, but not "put myself out" for her, ever again. It is called self-preservation. Thankfully, my husband completely backs me up and understands.