Figuring myself out

[chutzbagirl]

Hi Rb,

I hope the dinner and talk with your M went well.  Part of me wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get the reaction you were hoping for.  If your M's reaction was hurtful or disappointing - remember that she lived in the same bind you did.  Being married to a N is no walk in the park and will cause the spouse to adopt dysfunctional behavior in order to deal with the N's insanity.

However, if your M responded with love and grace I couldn't be happier for you.    I am learning to speak my truth for my benefit regardless of how other people respond.  I just had to learn this lesson in a big way when we decided to leave our church and find another church.  I disappointed a lot of people.     However, my needs and my family's needs must come before other people's expectations of me.  (It took me a long time to learn that one!)

Take care Rb, I think it's great you are speaking your truth.  It takes a complete committment to truth to heal and grow. 

Best wishes,

chutzbagirl

[Rb]

Everyone,

I did take my mom out to dinner last night, and I did talk to her about what was on my mind. I didn't go into nearly as much detail with her as I did on this board, but that's because it was almost tough to get out. I told her about things I had done (lying, deceiving) that I now wish I hadn't done. I told her that it was my doing, not my parents'.. my need for control. She seemed to blame every it of it on her parenting skills, and for some reason that response really hurt. My mom is the best mom I could ever ask for. I love her to death. She has worked fulltime as a nurse since I can remember, does all the cleaning around the house, maintains a garden in the back and front yards, and has more friends than I have. Her laugh can take me out of the lowest of moods. But hearing something like that from her, it makes me feel as if that's the one thing in her life she wasn't happy with. I now feel, especially after talking to my father, that my parents used to think they failed me, and that I have a failed past. I cried myself to sleep last night feeling that I took something huge away from my parents' lives as a child -- their happiness. Even when considering that they presented me the situations to become who I am, I still remember knowing what I was doing and even thinking long and hard about it, but never wanting to stop. If it weren't for my best friend, who knows how much I'd be losing my mind right now. He is now the only person in existence who knows me exactly for who I am, and even after that point accepts me for who I really am. This comforts me more than anything. My worst fear would be that, upon realizing who I really am, he would run. He assures me that everyone has childhood experiences like this, but it just seems hard for me to accept that. He told me I should meet with my parents and just unload to them whats on my mind. Maybe they would do the same. I was even thinking about writing a story about a boy and his family, very similar to mine.. and then showing it to them, in attempt to gain their understanding for how I felt as a child, and how I feel now. One last thing before I get going: Could anyone point me in the right direction for finding a 'good' therapist? I don't want to do this through my parents. I need to do this on my own.

Thank you,
Rb

[bunny]

Dear Rb,

Please don't take on the responsibility for hurting your mother. SHE IS AN ADULT, SHE CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!  Also, you gave her a gift by telling her the truth. However, my advice is to PLEASE, PLEASE, get a counselor/therapist asap -- today if you can. It's better if you see a trained person rather than get advice from your best friend or even from us. This is an extremely complex situation. If you're in college, they have counselors there!!

bunny

[Moira]

Hi Rb!- a quick comment on finding a good therapist. I am a nurse working in psychiatry for 20 years, am bipolar and a survivor of a N relationship I just ended. I spent a year looking for a psychatrist who was good and I'm in the profession and pretty much know everyone! It's like finding a good mechanic. Talk to others who may know a good one, if not accepting new clients, put yourself( or get a school counselor or family doctor) on waitlists. Go online and check out resources in your community. Lots of resources available- I don't know where you live- if you're in the sticks, so to speak!- will be challenging. also if you have a college of psychologists listed , they are often able to tell you who is taking clients, what the payment is like or if it's covered with medical plan, location and who specializes in what you're looking for. This last bit is really vital. I find it helpful with my clients to have them make a list of everything they want/need- is a female preferable, certain culture, and specifically what issues you need to work on. Maybe consider someone who specializes in personality disorders, abuse, self esteem and family of origin issues. As someone else suggested, check out what is available through school- maybe you also have a Dept. of counseling and/or psychology? Sometimes these programs are very good as it's typically grad students doing practicums, groups etc and are supervised. The advantage is they are versed in current counseling techniques and are enthusiastic. I don't know if this is for you- it's helping me- but maybe consider joingin a codependent support group. Be good to yourself. You are ahead of the game having the lilght go on for you at such a young age. Be good to yourself and take care of YOU not your family etc. Only person you can fix is yourself! You are obviuosly a bright and good person. Hang in and keep posting!

[Rb]

Dear Rb,

Please don't take on the responsibility for hurting your mother. SHE IS AN ADULT, SHE CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!  Also, you gave her a gift by telling her the truth. However, my advice is to PLEASE, PLEASE, get a counselor/therapist asap -- today if you can. It's better if you see a trained person rather than get advice from your best friend or even from us. This is an extremely complex situation. If you're in college, they have counselors there!!

bunny

bunny,

You're right, she is an adult. I guess it's hard for me to understand what happened through my parents' point of view. There were times when my mom would tell me that the family should go see a counselor, but I would always reject the idea because a normal family doesn't need that sort of help. I know I've gone through life lying to myself more than anyone, and I can constantly 'feel' a sort of struggle between my Id and Superego on a daily basis, clouding my head with contradicting feelings. I located the university couseling services.. but they have horrible hours: the exact hours of my full-time job. My plan is to contact them tomorrow during my lunch break and to try setting up an appointment for Friday. That way, I can let my boss know ahead of time about this darn doctor's appointment I have.  Thanks for your support and understanding.

Rb

[Rb]

Hi Rb!- a quick comment on finding a good therapist. I am a nurse working in psychiatry for 20 years, am bipolar and a survivor of a N relationship I just ended. I spent a year looking for a psychatrist who was good and I'm in the profession and pretty much know everyone! It's like finding a good mechanic. Talk to others who may know a good one, if not accepting new clients, put yourself( or get a school counselor or family doctor) on waitlists. Go online and check out resources in your community. Lots of resources available- I don't know where you live- if you're in the sticks, so to speak!- will be challenging. also if you have a college of psychologists listed , they are often able to tell you who is taking clients, what the payment is like or if it's covered with medical plan, location and who specializes in what you're looking for. This last bit is really vital. I find it helpful with my clients to have them make a list of everything they want/need- is a female preferable, certain culture, and specifically what issues you need to work on. Maybe consider someone who specializes in personality disorders, abuse, self esteem and family of origin issues. As someone else suggested, check out what is available through school- maybe you also have a Dept. of counseling and/or psychology? Sometimes these programs are very good as it's typically grad students doing practicums, groups etc and are supervised. The advantage is they are versed in current counseling techniques and are enthusiastic. I don't know if this is for you- it's helping me- but maybe consider joingin a codependent support group. Be good to yourself. You are ahead of the game having the lilght go on for you at such a young age. Be good to yourself and take care of YOU not your family etc. Only person you can fix is yourself! You are obviuosly a bright and good person. Hang in and keep posting!

Moira,

Thanks for the advice and support. Many times I consider writing my thoughts down and trying to figure out exactly what it is I need to work on. As I start writing, I find that my thoughts jump around much too quickly for my hand.. I end up leaving out what something inside tells me is not important (which is probably MORE important than what I'm actually writing). I feel so free now when around my best friend.. so myself that it feels amazing. I want to find a path to feeling this away around everyone. As I just said to bunny, I'll be contacting the university counseling services tomorrow. 

Rb

[missm]

All children of narcissists struggle with unraveling the world views our nparent(s) indoctrinated us with.  The fact that you're examining yourself, so early in your adult development means the chances of you passing on the delusions and projections of your father are dwindeling daily.  As time goes on, you will examine all the ways your father taught you to see your self and your world, and you will become less and less capable of projecting those things onto others.  Have courage.  I believe we are all innately good and imbued with matri (loving-kindness).  Our nparents may help us forget this, for a time, but it is always there to be re-discovered.

[Sela]

feeling that I took something huge away from my parents' lives as a child -- their happiness.

Rb......you didn't rob anyone.  You're not responsible for making adults happy, when you're a kid.
You couldn't take the expectations that were being placed on you so you developed a way to cope.
Now, you are talking about it and it's deep poo.

I bet it took real courage to admit that stuff to your mom.  Did she focus on you and your honesty?  Did she praise you for it?

It sounds like she may feel guilty for enabling your father's behaviour (by not standing up for you or protecting you ??).  She is responsible for her own behaviour too and your truth maybe struck a nerve.

It's impossible to be a perfect parent.   It's not the end of the world either.

There is no shame in being a kid trying to survive in difficult circumstances.
There is shame in allowing those circumstances to go on and on and it seems this shame has now been shifted to you.  It's not yours.

Sela