Wow, a new message board!
My nick is Kayla and I'm a single mother 18 years of a son in college.
We came to Louisiana in 1995 when I was engaged to a urologist, which was a turbulent relationship that ended in 1997. I hail originally from Pennsylvania and my son was born in Wyoming.
I am also a legal secretary who lost my job a week ago after 3 years at the same law firm, and now have zero income. I applied for unemployment and am actively seeking work.
Two days before I lost my job, a VA psychiatrist put me on Zoloft (antidepressant) for what appears to be chronic depression, i.e. dysphoria.
Eight months ago my gynecologist put me on Depo-Provera (shot of hormones) to treat my peri-menopausal symptoms of sudden weeping, etc.
Prior to that, I'd been on Celexa (antidepressant) 1 year but went off it due to involuntary facial movements.
So I tried to see if the hormones alone would keep depression away, but it returned after being off the antidepressant 6 months.
My depression seems to occur in winter (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and in Summer now. My psychiatrist told me I have an "affective disorder" but wasn't any more specific.
My son has attention deficit disorder without hyperactivity since the first grade but he is off medication and getting straight As in college, which is far better than he did in high school.
He went through quite a rebellious stage, which gave me my gray hairs!
He attempted suicide and was hospitalized, then was cutting self and hospitalized. We both went to intensive counseling and finally the counselor gave up on him after 1 year.
She agreed with me when I put him on probation for ungovernability and finally he voluntarily went to a military school run by the National Guard ("Youth Challenge"), and earned his G.E.D. and obtained carpentry training.
Now after all that stress, my son is finally fixed, but mom finds herself falling apart!!!!!
My depression began when I broke up with my fiance'a second time, and then the third and final time it reoccurred. I was treated both times with Prozac (antidepressant) and also for Pre-Menstrual Syndrome.
Many moves and job changes occurred from 1995 to 1999 and my son had to change schools.
Two months after my son attempted suicide, my boss retired for health reasons and I had to change jobs.
An important factor which figures into all of this is that when I began my new job, I didn't want to disclose to people about my son's problems and tried to appear upbeat.
However, as time went on, and other crisises occurred, I became more and more unable to self-disclose to people I worked with, which only served to alienate and isolate me.
After my son's 2 hospitalizations I was hospitalized for atypical bronchitis which the doctor thought was more emotional collapse than anything.
I quit smoking several months and then started up again, but never smoked at work again and hid my smoking, which is another factor which served to alienate me and I suffered through withdrawal daily until lunchbreak and until I came home.
Although I had insurance, the medical bills were astronomical which forced me to file bankruptcy, and ruined my perfect credit history.
Two months after filing, I took 2 weeks off work and experienced an emotional collapse and was put back on Prozac.
I worked 3 years as a legal secretary at the law firm, for an easygoing boss and received excellent performance appraisals and performance bonuses.
However, the firm had cliques and gradually, I found myself being rejected by more and more people, until eventually I ate lunches alone, and few people would speak to me, except a few friends.
I had always been positive, uplifting, encouraging and amiable, not gregarious or obtrusive and was helpful, a team player and never gossiped.
The angst I felt at having been rejected and alienated began to weigh heavily in my heart for the last year. Despite my prayers for these women, my needing the job to support my son, and my trying every day to be kind and stay busy with my work, it wore me down.
I found myself biding my time and began searching for other work, but the labor market here is terrible so I felt trapped, which is something I don't deal with well--being unable to control my circumstances when I am in a deadlock no-win situation.
I got my hormone shot 1 week late because the nurses made an error, and had breakthrough bleeding because of it. The week I was terminated, I felt especially emotional like when I was on my period before.
My boss was critical of me that week and without warning he let me go, and eliminated my position. The reasons he cited were of minor significance.
I think he was having a bad day, as lately he'd been looking irritable. Perhaps he'd been fighting with his wife. But he knew my son hasn't been able to find a job, he knew my child support ended in May when son turned 18, and he knew this month I spent $1000 on 2 dental crowns. And he knew I was getting treatment with hormones and struggling with depression.
After 3 years of quality performance, I would think if a supervisor valued you as an employee and respected you as a person, that he would give you a warning or have you counseled, and not just eliminate you, without any consideration to the situation he's leaving you in.
Although we got along well, he was a man who never asked me about my personal life nor how my weekend went, although I often asked him in a civil way to make conversation.
I accepted the way he was and we had what I thought was a good professional relationship. He rarely had any complaints about my work.
Because I'm having to hustle and find employment as quickly as possible to support my family, I do not have the luxury to take a sabbatical to soul search as to what direction I should go, and as to how I allowed myself to get into a situation where I felt trapped and alienated.
Perhaps members of this group might be able to help me identify ways I can prevent such a situation from re-occurring in the workplace.
My life is an example of how when one endures repeated crisises of major stress, eventually even the strongest individual collapses and sinks into depression. The body is incapable of hyper-performing and eventually something has to give.
In my spare time I read self-help and psychology books and research on the internet to learn how growing up in a dysfunctional family affected me, where my mother was mentally and emotionally abused by my father.
I try to unravel the patterns of my behavior because I am oriented towards personal growth and self-actualization, yet the more I unravel, the more I realize that I have all kinds of neurotic traits and am actually quite inhibited and suffer from low-self esteem which ebbs and flows. I've never married, have had unsatisfactory relationships due to being attracted to men who weren't right for me, etc.
If I could afford psychotherapy I would relish the opportunity to get to the roots of my personality, but it's not possible, thus it will be a life-long journey for me.
At the age of 46, I realize that most men and women experience a mid-life crisis or embark upon an identity assessment where often they change careers, get divorced, etc. The children are leaving home, you re-assess your goals...
so I believe some of what I'm experiencing is normal.
I've read through this website regarding voicelessness and emotional survival, and am not sure if I grasp the entire concept so will re-read it.
My brother told me 5 years ago that I was the most resilient person he knows. I haven't seen him since then, but if he saw me now, he'd be shocked how frazzled I've become due to the tremendous stresses and my ability to bounce back is not what it once was.
I may have to be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life. I may never marry. Once my son leaves home, I am considering a variety of alternative lifestyles to pursue, rather than remain alone just working for someone.
Ideally, I'd like to get involved in a Catholic community, perhaps working for a cause as an advocate, or in a ministry assisting people who need someone like me. I believe God will reveal His will to me and in doing this I will find much fulfillment and happiness.
Thank you all for reading this post, and I would appreciate your comments.
Sincerely,
Kayla
