What has been your biggest failure in life? Come on, admit it!!!

[Sela]

This is a good thread Butterfly!  Thankyou for starting it.  Glad to hear those blinders are coming off some!  I've been thinking some more on it:

For me, I think of almost everything as a choice.  So, failure or mistakes are simply incorrect choices I made.  If I can remember that it is impossible to always make correct choices, all of the time, and that making a poor choice is not usually the end of the world, that I can learn from the experience, try not to repeat it, and live to tell about it....it just doesn't seem as bad as allowing myself to kick me (which happens too, sometimes, with pointed toe shoes! ).

So what you said, missm,

it's about how I define failure..

  also means for me:

 it's about what I think about failure.

If I think of failure as something shameful, something bad, something nasty....I feel how I think.

If I think of failure as something that happens when I choose incorrectly, as inevitable sometimes, and as something I can choose not to repeat.....I feel ok, imperfect, but ok.

Ofcourse, no one is capable of thinking good things about poor choices all of the time, or every time.  But...if I can catch myself going into berrate mode......and change my thinking .....I do feel much better, than if I just let those nasty voices in my head beat me to an emotional pulp.  So even my thinking on failing....is a choice that can effect the way I feel.

It is sometimes a struggle to change modes but for me, a worthwhile struggle.

  Sela

[Butterfly]

Moira wrote:
Intellectually I get it, it's just so damn difficult to actually follow through on them.
I couldn't say it any better!


Yep, failure is ugly.  It's not a pleasant thing to behold.  Nothing admirable about it.  Sometimes, we try to sugarcoat it to make it less uncomfortable.  But failure is failure, no matter how you see it.  If I turn away, how will I appreciate its mystery and learn what it can teach me?

For me, I don't have a hard time accepting failure.  But, I struggle with displacing it.  This is where I get stuck on.  For instance, if I sense I did something "wrong", I place the blame on myself, instead of on others.  I don't know how to see that it's the other person's fault for being untrustworthy, having low integrity, etc.  I place the blame on myself.  Then a crippling surge of failure comes rushing to my mind.  My state of being changes immediately.  And I develop a backbone of a jellyfish.  Because I placed the failure on myself instead of others.  So the problem with me is displacement of failure, not in the act of failing.  I think anyone who feels like it's their fault or feel like they have failed in whatever circumstance will naturally feel disempowered.  I noticed in myself that when I am convinced and see clearly that the other person haved failed me in whatever interaction or doing it is, I don't feel cowardice in my communication or state of mind.  I feel assertive and sure of myself.  Unfortunately, that happens only once in a while.

Sela, that is why your first post to this thread has struck a real cord in me.  And your words is still vibrating.

Does anyone have any suggestions for this poor soul?  How do I develop the skill of rightful placement of failure?  I'm not the kind of person who believes in placing blame on anyone to protect myself.  But, I haven't place blame where blame is due.  How do I shift gears with failure?

Butterfly

[Moira]

Hey Butterfly! One of the biggies with me is that I do tend to see people for who and what they are and I recognize bad behaviour and abuse, but I then persist in denial, rationalization etc. It's not a matter of " how could they have done that?"- it's more" how could I have let that happen/or continue when I knew they were N, abusive etc?" I tend to beat myself up over my perceived inability to connect my mind and my heart. As I think I've said before, I counsel people alll day long and have no problem recognizing abuse and assisting people make healthy safe choices. Just doesn't extend to myself outside my office! With my recent slip contacting my ex N on his birthday- I can now look at that and say, I didn't sleep with him( not for his lack of trying!), I didn't tell him I loved him, I reiterated it's OVER, and I haven't acknowledged any of his calls. That is progress. Most of the time I feel like that guy in Greek mythology pushing that giant rock all the way to the top of the hill only to have it roll back down and start all over! I know the name but can't spell it! I guess I don't acknowledge the small positive steps and am waiting unrealistically for a major healthy break through. Again, intellectually, I know progress doesn't happen overnight on a grand scale- my own unrealisitic expectations!

[Brigid]

Butterfly,

I'm sorry, but I forget if you are/have been in therapy.  That has been the answer for me to start picking up the pieces of my life and begin to rebuild.  I have been reading books about starting over and am just finishing up a great book about women entering their second adulthood (the time after kids, careers, etc.) when you can finally concentrate on yourself and finding your passion for that stage of life.  It has made me stop thinking about the negative things that have happened and start thinking about the possibilities for new and exciting things to enter my life.  I have become so energized by this process and for the first time in nearly 2 years, excited about my life once again.

Failure is only failure if you let it hold you back and keep you stuck, imo.  Being able to learn from it and make better choices and decisions in the future, turns it into success.  I think so much of this comes from learning to love yourself and feeling worthy.  For those of us raised by n's, it is not always easy to do.  That's where good therapy can really help.  I really don't have any other words of wisdom, but I do pray you can find a way to see yourself for the beautiful and wonderful woman that you are.

Sending you peace and light,

Brigid

[tl]

Sisyphus

[bunny]

Does anyone have any suggestions for this poor soul?  How do I develop the skill of rightful placement of failure?  I'm not the kind of person who believes in placing blame on anyone to protect myself.  But, I haven't place blame where blame is due.  How do I shift gears with failure?

I had the same habit of blaming myself no matter what. Paradoxically, it gave me a false sense of control. If it was all my fault, then I could do something different to change these people and make them nicer. But the control was illusory, PLUS I had to deal with the self-loathing from having it all be my fault. So here's how I reframed it. It's not about fault. It's about percentage of responsibility. Maybe they are responsible for 60% and I'm responsible for 40%. That means I can work on my part of it, my side of the street, and let them work on theirs - OR NOT, it's their choice. But I will ONLY work on my percent from now on, no matter how massive my compulsion to take on 100% of the responsibility. It's a matter of practice and willpower not to cave in to compulsive urges for control. Know what I mean?

bunny

[Moira]

Hi tl! Thanks for the Sisyphus! You know I tried spelling it about 50 ways and do you think I could get it?!! Noooo!!!

[Butterfly]

Brigid asked:
I forget if you are/have been in therapy.
I've never been in therapy.  Trying to avoid it at all cost.  Maybe one day I will find myself in a therapy session.

Bunny wrote:
Know what I mean?
I know exactly what you mean.  That's a good point.

[mum]

How do I develop the skill of rightful placement of failure?  I'm not the kind of person who believes in placing blame on anyone to protect myself.  But, I haven't place blame where blame is due.  How do I shift gears with failure?

Butterfly, this is a good question.

The way I am working out of this is to suspend judgement.  I have a tendency (that I am trying to change) to line things up: this is good, this is bad.  It extends everywhere, into myself as well.
If I can let go of judging it all, I can see it is all just "stuff that happens", and it alleviates the need to  identify and classify everything... which takes a surprising amount of energy.
Will I suddenly start thinking my ex is an angel and what he does is totally benign? I doubt it. But I can let go of the scary monster part of him (that only scared me and gave him all kinds of power over me), and it diffuses what he does into: "oh well, he chooses to do that, I don't."  Then I don't have to be right OR wrong.

My mother dying in the manner she is,  is not what I would have chosen, if I had the choice.  But I don't. So I could cry each day, and feel horrible, but it won't change anything, and certainly doesn't send any better love toward her in her final days.  It just IS this way. It's ok. There is a reason.

This doesn't mean I don't have standards or a moral compass, it just means that I trust myself and have some faith. I know I act with loving intention. I know I never mean to hurt anyone. I know I am a good person, so I don't have to spend all my time trying to prove that to myself in my head.  I now try to see people who behave badly as people who are in pain, who have lost their connection to their true, loving self....and become distorted in an effort to alleviate thier own pain. It is a form of evil in many cases. This does not mean what they do is acceptable, or that we as individuals or a society should not do what we can to change things, however. It just means that we can understand it and let it be while we intend to change it.

When I accept and suspend judgement, it helps ME to become less pained by it all. All the "that's bad, that's good" I used to do, led me to really be tough on myself most of all.  I'm not sure how it works, exactly, but as I have changed, my attachment to my judgements have changed as well....and I have become a more content person.
 If I allow the world to be where it is right now, in all it's joy and pain, then I can have compassion for my own failures in turn.  I can accept that my ex is rather sick and mean, but I don't have to take it on myself.  I can still protect my children as best I can, and move on with my life as best I can, and let things just BE where they are while I do this.
I doubt I have explained this very well, but it is one thing I am working on that does indeed, bring me lots of peace.

[October]

Does anyone have any suggestions for this poor soul?  How do I develop the skill of rightful placement of failure?  I'm not the kind of person who believes in placing blame on anyone to protect myself.  But, I haven't place blame where blame is due.  How do I shift gears with failure?

So here's how I reframed it. It's not about fault. It's about percentage of responsibility. Maybe they are responsible for 60% and I'm responsible for 40%. That means I can work on my part of it, my side of the street, and let them work on theirs - OR NOT, it's their choice. But I will ONLY work on my percent from now on, no matter how massive my compulsion to take on 100% of the responsibility. It's a matter of practice and willpower not to cave in to compulsive urges for control. Know what I mean?

bunny

This is such a good way of looking at it.  From now on I am going to try this kind of 'limited liability'.  I am going to accept no more than 5% of the blame for any given situation, and then work on that.  (Because I get worried about tiny details, so I think 40% might be too much to deal with.)

And I am going to dump the other 95% in a visual image into a big skip, on top of the head of the other person.