At wit's end

[Digisignal12]

I'm pretty sure my wife has NPD. I have two preteen children, and I am very torn about what to do; I'd like to find a support group, but don't know of any. My wife, unlike many perfectionist NPDs, refuses to do any housework at all. She is a compulsive shopper with exclusive tastes, but our home looks like a flophouse. Every floor is completely littered with clothes, purchases, magazines, to a depth of several feet. I work assiduously to try to keep the house habitable, but I cannot keep up. She is a pathological liar, physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative, lazy, vicious and cunning. Her mother is a life-long alcoholic and drug addict; her father probably has antisocial personality disorder, and cares about only one thing in life, sports on television. My wife and I could probably both be arrested for child abuse, given the state of our house. She doesn't consider the consequences, and doesn't care. She lurches from one disaster to another, wrecking cars, creating havoc, engaging in violent confrontations with everyone. I'm very tolerant and accepting; she sees this as weakness. If I get a divorce we'll wind up in bankruptcy, and the kids will probably wind up with her, even though they have both told me they want to live with me. She seems to have a life plan: she'll never do anything for anyone, it is the function of others to provide for her. And she thinks she's winning. She's on disability from her job, citing PTSD from her series of confrontations with her administrators. She sees this as proof that her life plan is working out just fine. I feel like I'm in the most horrible nightmare I can conceive of, and I don't know what to do.

[vunil]

The first thing to do is to find someone professional to talk to.  Your wife has a lot of issues and this professional will be able to help you sort through all of them. I have a preference for Phd psychologists, but other psychotherapists might be able to help, too.  The reason I think a PhD is good is because they'll  have lots of training in diagnosing these kinds of issues.

It sounds as if you are in a mess.  We can try to help, and there is a lot of wisdom on this board.  But a therapist would help tons.  Don't worry that it's her who "needs the help"-- you need advice right now, and a sense of exactly who you are dealing with.  If she has antisocial tendencies (which it sounds as if she might) then you will have to tread carefully through this next stage. 

[longtire]

Digisignal12,
I'm sorry you are in such a painful situation right now.  I agree with vunil on a good therapist.  They can help tons with an unbiased viewpoint from someone who is not directly involved in your situation.  Also, keep posting here and let out some of your pent up feelings.  You are bound to have lots of those.  You don't have to make any decisions about anything until you are ready to.

[Brigid]

Welcome digisignal,
I'm sorry for the situation you and your children are living with right now.  I would definitely agree with the others on getting some professional help with the psychological issues.  But if I were you, I would also get some legal advice on how to get yourself and your children away from this woman.  If you handle things right, there is no guarantee she would get custody of your children, especially if they are old enough to express their own opinions.  I would start documenting the state of your home--take photos that you can share with a psychologist and with an attorney.  You know that this is not a healthy place for your children and you must save them.

I wish you well. 

Brigid

[miaxo]

If you think you are headed for divorce I would start documenting everything.  Take photos like the other poster said and also document that you are the one to clean up after working all day, etc.   Document everything you do.

You don't want her to get custody of the kids.  If she gets the kids from the beginning the odds are in her favor that she will be the one to keep them. 

Be organized.  Be systematic.  Keep to a plan. 

Best wishes.

[wokeupatlast]

I would just add that if your wife is on disability you need to get legal advice as she can use this to get alimony that may be beyond your means.  You might want to have a well laid plan in place before you ever mention divorce.  That would include seeing how long her PTSD disability lasts, whether she will go on permanent disability.  I agree that documenting is very important.  Especially keep track of the financial aspects of her spending.

[miss piggy]

Welcome digisignal,

A lot of great advice above.  Don't worry or feel guilty about being "sneaky" if you decide to take action without telling her.  Her actions show that she cannot be trusted and will use any info for her own agenda.  (I also wonder if you already have photos of the mess and her in the picture, so she cannot claim that you "framed" her while she was out shopping... )

Also, just wanted to throw in that many people who seek professional help don't have the pathology, but are the ones trying to cope with someone who does...your wife obviously thinks she has a free pass on taking personal responsibility.  Being "accepting" doesn't mean you have to take her stuff without limit.  You can set limits and still accept her for who she is.  A professional T can help you learn how to do this. 

As for your children, please get advice and be careful not to put them in the position to choose.  Not only because it is a painful decision, but also because many times people choose the bully simply to protect themselves against retaliation. 

Just knowing that your situation isn't healthy and you desire to make healthier changes is step one.  Good luck to you.  MP

[mum]

I am sorry for your tough situation.  Waking up is hard. The light is bright, we wish we could go back to sleep, but the nightmares will still be there.
People here have given good advice. Don't worry about being "sneaky", but get a few ducks in line before letting your nutjob of a wife in on anything.  Talk to a lawyer, go to a therapist. All on your own.
Please don't panic about your children.  Showing children how a healthy person does not put up with abuse is one of the more important things your leaving may teach them.
As far as custody goes, I would definately talk to a lawyer and therapist about having an evaluation done for the whole family.  I can't believe I am saying that, as my recent experience with court appointed "experts" in that vein has not been great, but it was not a total evalutaion....and that may have helped. Just find out about it.

Most importantly, get some healing help for yourself. You are in a tough spot, and you need to give yourself some compassion. Yes, you married and had kids with her (I say this with love, I did the same thing with an N) but beyond that, you are not chained to her soul forever. She will continue to dump her crap on you as long as you are emotionally available.
So re-focus on getting healthy. Sorry if we all sound like you should indeed, get out. You did paint a rather bleak picture. I'd want out, too.

[October]

Hiya Digisignal.  I am sorry that you find yourself in such a terrible situation.  At least now you are not alone with it. 

I agree with all the other messages so far, but I would suggest that you find out more about ptsd as well.  It is a very disabling condition, but it shouldn't prevent a woman/mother from doing basic housework, even if she is not strong enough to do much.

I have ptsd myself, and I pace myself; even if I only clean one room per week it all gets done in a regular order, and the place is clean and tidy. 

It looks as if the issues are much more than ptsd, as you say.  And not all Ns are houseproud.  My own mum keeps her house like a tip.