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Not being allowed to cry over anything?

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Anastasia:
Am I the only one who experienced this:  my NMother would not allow me to cry whether my feelings were hurt (usually by my cruel stepfather) or even if I were physically hurt?  This from a woman who is now so histrionic that she exaggerates every little ache and pain as bone cancer.  But I was never allowed to cry even when my stepfather came up to me at his family's picnic (when I was 17) and out of the blue just started saying the nastiest things to me about my appearance and personality.  I still remember the sarcastic smile on his face as he intended it to be nasty and hurt my feelings.  I remember crying and not being able to stop it (normally I can be extremely tough and stoic) but NMom came into the kitchen and just chewed my ass out for crying.  Not her husband--cruel stepfather--but ME the victim!  
I find so many of the behaviors of the narcissist have relevance to my own history, but I have not seen any mention of crying.
Was not being allowed to cry over anything the experience of any of you out there or was that just my experience?  It was like I was not allowed to have feelings at all.

Rojo:
Hi, Anastasia

Referencing my experiences with my NMom, I can say you aren't alone with this.  I can remember three instances off the top of my head where my tears were absolutely not tolerated or acknowledged as being valid.

Once, when I was about 16 or so, my much older/adult brother and I got into an argument which resulted in him slapping me across my face with such force that I flew right across the room.  NMom came to me later while I was crying in my bed and showed zero sympathy and advised me to pull myself together and stop snivelling and that the incident was all my fault.

Another time, during high school, I was upset about a boy and began to cry.  When I didn't want one of the condescending, "come here my baby" hugs, she beat me.

Now the third is perhaps a bit more like your example with your stepfather.  My stepfather had gone off to live with his girlfriend (their relationship broke my family up for a second time).  One day I had to catch a ride to college with him and the girlfriend.  She and I got into an argument when she dissed my little brother.  The argument escalated and my stepfather called me all sorts of derogatory names like slut, whore (rich coming from a serial philanderer!!! Somehow the fact that I, unlike him, was in a committed monogamous relationship still made ME a slut!?) And, the coup de gras was him telling me that my mom didn't know who my father was until after I was born (due to my mom having affairs on my real father) and then he tried to attack me.  Anyway, some bystanders restrained him and helped me to get away.  I then called NMom to come and pick me up as I was in a terrible state.  There was no consoling of me, she just pumped me for info about what he and the girlfriend had said, and went on about how it was all an attack against her!!!  Never mind me...I had to buck up and deal with it.   :roll:

So, basically, this sort of behavior seems consistent with N characteristics...no empathy for others.

Hope that gives you something to go on, Anastasia.  These N's are so looney!!

 :wink:  Rojo

Anonymous:
N parents often berate their children for crying, for showing anger, for any expression of feeling that INCONVENIENCES them. They don't want to take care of a child's feelings. The child is supposed to take care of THEM. That's how they see it.  :evil:

Lizbeth:
My husband's uncle (whom he was raised with), did the same thing to him all the time while he was growing up.  Even came out to his school bus to tell him that his favorite dog had died, and if he cried, he'd beat the cr%p out of him.  One of the several N's in his family (I have my own).



--- Quote from: Anastasia ---Am I the only one who experienced this:  my NMother would not allow me to cry whether my feelings were hurt (usually by my cruel stepfather) or even if I were physically hurt?  This from a woman who is now so histrionic that she exaggerates every little ache and pain as bone cancer.  But I was never allowed to cry even when my stepfather came up to me at his family's picnic (when I was 17) and out of the blue just started saying the nastiest things to me about my appearance and personality.  I still remember the sarcastic smile on his face as he intended it to be nasty and hurt my feelings.  I remember crying and not being able to stop it (normally I can be extremely tough and stoic) but NMom came into the kitchen and just chewed my ass out for crying.  Not her husband--cruel stepfather--but ME the victim!  
I find so many of the behaviors of the narcissist have relevance to my own history, but I have not seen any mention of crying.
Was not being allowed to cry over anything the experience of any of you out there or was that just my experience?  It was like I was not allowed to have feelings at all.
--- End quote ---

Jaded911:
Anastasia,

My mom was not a N by any means, but the woman was about as maternal as a shoe.  I don't think she could pull it off, she couldn't keep her manipulations straight.  However, I think the nut was a little histrionic my self.  The way you described your mother is the way I remember mine.  If I cried, OMG, how could I?  I rarely cried around her but my poor sister used to be a nervous wreck around the woman.  

I feek the reason she was like that was because she was not capable of feeling love.  I can also say the same about my xN.  I was thinking about something the other day that struck me very funny.  I can not remember my xN ever stating that anything was his favorite.  Here I am hanging this jacket of mine up and I thought dang I love this coat.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  He never had a fav of anything and ya know, I don't think my mom did either.

They can't form bonds with something they are fond of like a dang coat.  I guess we should get some comfort in knowing it isn't us they can't love, they can't love period.  I thank my lucky stars that I did not depend on my mothers nurturing, I would have whithered away.  

I think that is exactly why this N experience hit me so hard.  I loved that man more than I could ever imagine.  I loved him deeply and I hurt just as deep.  He can not love so therefore his "LOVE" is a quicky on a Friday night.  Kind of shallow, but then again, he is every bit shallow.  It has taken me some time to realise that I did get something out of this relationship other than a messed up mind.  I got the satisfaction of knowing that my moms lack of ability to love was not passed on to me.  

My mom used to say I was always too big for my britches.  I asked her one day what her point was.  She then told me that no matter what anyone did to me I managed to claw my way back up to the top.  I was to big of a challenge for her at times.  It did not take me but a second to come back at her.  I said I am very grateful that I am a dreamer.  Those dreams are what keeps me waking up in the mornings.  And as far as me being to much for you to handle, every one of us kids were too much for her to handle.  

Some people should never have children.  My mom was one of them.  Now 39 yrs later she is calling me "HUN".  Makes my skin crawl.  If I hear from her once a month, fine so be it.  If it is a yr in between the calls, oh well.  I know that sounds horrible, but ya know it takes more than a womb to make a mom.

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