I feel like a Credit Card owned by N-H. 0 bal.

[OR]

I recently did a credit history it was free from anual credit report. com

I opened these cards only in the past 5 years because of the hardship we were in with my H Disabled.
I paid the cards every month and believed the food and purchaces were to help us with the money struggles.
I paid most of the bills he only had to pay the utilites and sometimes food.

Well I had my H's information to run his report. In the divorce papers he sent to me, he has no records of any of the Credit Cards I now see in his name. Some of the bills are from hospitals, he did mention on the divorce papers he had medical bills that I should help him pay.

I see Credit Cards with 0 balance and not one payment applied. I feel like one of these credit cards.
I started out with value, year after year no payments from my H were made and now the money is used up.
The debt is now so high because of intrest and seen on the report as a charge off.
I hope someday he will pay them off.

 Does any one know if they are in his name only, if I must pay them.
Should I add these accounts in the divorce papers? If he does not claim them I wonder if I show them to the judge if thats a good Idea vs not saying anything.

He dosn't care to pay his bills, he only takes until like the credit card company they just give up and write it as a Charge off. The money is all used up he can throw it away like his family.

He is a Charge OFF to me, however the intrest keeps building up like the hurt and pain he has caused.
I need to forgive the debt so I can move on. I will remember the pain and how much it cost me, but he will never get another emotional Credit Card from me.

I remember my H used to tell me how the credit card companys were calling the house all day long.
I thought they wanted to sell me something or upgrade my card, he used to complain all the time.
Now I know they were calling  for him and his overdue Credit cards.
He changed our home phone number the week we left, I think it may have been to avoid these calls.


I don't understand how the Credit Cards would give him a card when he was disabled.
They did and now were looking at 8,000 in his name.

OR





 

[Brigid]

Hi OR,
Much of it will depend on how the laws are set up in the state where the divorce is taking place.  If it is a marital property state, everything (debts and assets) are divided equally--more or less--unless stated otherwise in your divorce decree.  We sold our house about half-way through the divorce process and with the assets from the sale, all outstanding debts were paid, and from that point forward any incurred debt was individually owned.  All of this was put in writing at the time of the house sale.  My xh had 5 outstanding credit cards that did not have my name on them, but I was still responsible for the debt incurred.  There was nothing charged to those accounts that was used for me or our family.  In fact, in many cases, he had charged his pornography purchases on them.  I know that it stinks and it is unfair, but you probably need to discuss this with an attorney and perhaps make mention of these debts in your divorce decree so that no one comes after you for the money in the future. 

You should have a separate credit history that only involves credit cards with your name on them. This was very fortunate for me, because like you, I have always paid my bills on time and my history is excellent.  My x, on the other hand, is always late with payments because he is so disorganized.

I would recommend getting some professional advice on this before you decide to just ignore the information.  Good luck.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Sela]

Hiya OR:

Regarding the emotional credit debt:

True.....he used up all his emotional credit with you/his family and wasted it/didn't value it/threw it away.
True.....he is responsible for the debt, cannot/will not pay it/so it must be considered a charge off, as there is no way to recover it.

But...

You have good credit, which you do not waste or throw away and which you value.  You act responsibily and do not run up emotional debt with others, will pay any debt you feel you owe and will most likely never be a charge off...due to your tendancy of consideration of others and genuine honesty.

I know it's hard but maybe...rather than count all the crap he's racked up against you....maybe try to take account of what you still have left....what you are building....and look forward to what you will have....emotionally....as time goes by.

True....you will mourn all the losses of the relationship/dreams/hopes etc but as you do, remind yourself that unlike him.....your credit is good....you will get better and heal....you will be ahead in the game soon and you ....unlike him.....have great assets of goodness.

((((((((((OR))))))))))

Sela

[longtire]

OR, everyone who lends or extends credit KNOWS that there will be a certain amount of "bad debt."  Loans which will never be repaid under any circumstances.  They spread the cost of this over everyone else by charging slightly more interest.  Spread this bad debt from your STBXH over all the rest of your friends and chosen family.  That keeps it from overwhelming you or any one person that you might lean on.  The good news is that most of the other "loans" (relationships, putting yourself out there) in your life seem to be working out pretty well.  That shows you make good choices in this area.

((((((((((OR)))))))))))

[miss piggy]

Hello OR,

I know exactly what you mean.  I used to refer to an N relative as a bad credit risk (esp. ironic because of his stinginess).  His BPD wife wrote "checks" on his goodwill account (borrowing things and not returning them, insulting the kids).  each thing like that counted as a debit.  When goodwill turned into manipulation, that contributed to the debt. 

No more credit.  Bad risk.  No contact. 

MP

[OR]

 Kaz and miss p
I just wanted to say thank you for your support I somehow feel better.
The way you all put your spin on what I was trying to say. Money runs deep and a very emotional button.

Longtire,

Spread this bad debt from your STBXH over all the rest of your friends and chosen family.  That keeps it from overwhelming you or any one person that you might lean on.  The good news is that most of the other "loans" (relationships, putting yourself out there) in your life seem to be working out pretty well.  That shows you make good choices in this area.

I strive daily  keeping  confident about making good choices, I think it's one of my bigger struggles.
I will keep reaching out to others so I will not become overwhelmed.
The healing process is slow and as time gets closer to the divorce, I know more pain will be faced.
I appreciate your thoughts, it has helped me  to believe that my relationships can grow healthy because of my positive efforts.  


Sela

 

True....you will mourn all the losses of the relationship/dreams/hopes etc but as you do, remind yourself that unlike him.....your credit is good....you will get better and heal....you will be ahead in the game soon and you ....unlike him.....have great assets of goodness.

Thanks for taking the time to understand what my feelings were doing here. You put so much in perspective to shed light on some dark places for me. I feel the wounds oozing with pain sometimes. like waves of emotion when I discover the lies, this confirms the choice I made was long over due.
I keep being reminded I was the only one married, my H not being honest about money and our future security is just wrong. He may not have had his names on my Credit Cards but he knew about them.

Sela what you wrote was beautifuly written and I will be greatful how this has touched me.


Brigid:

 

My xh had 5 outstanding credit cards that did not have my name on them, but I was still responsible for the debt incurred

I think because the divorce is in CA the law may be the same. What would be the benifit to add his bills to the divorce papers, when he has not documented them?  Mine are on the divorce papers  and I want him to help me pay those.

The bad credit is in his name only but you are right they may come after me later.
If the court says I don't have to pay his Credit Cards then the Credit card companys can't come after me?
I have a separate report with none of his negative credit showing on mine.

I doubt my H will ever pay them because, they have already ruined his credit so Im sure they would try and ruin mine as his spouse. He wants me to pay for his medical bills, but if he won't provide the information then maybe I should not give the information out to the court.

I pay for the insurrance through my company, they may come after me.
He has doctor visits that he did not pay and misc. test and hospital admissions.
I have not heard from the hospitals  but my  new phone number is on the report, they could call me any time.  


Thank you all I do feel better for your thoughts........... OR

[longtire]

OR, another thought.  Make sure that you at least get a decree from the court that you are only responsible for specific debts.  You are likely jointly responsible for these debts you have found out about.  If you get a decree from the court saying you are solely responsible for certain ones and he is solely responsible for the rest, it might protect you.  Best to run this one by your attorney.

[Sela]

Hiya OR:

I feel the wounds oozing with pain sometimes. like waves of emotion when I discover the lies, this confirms the choice I made was long over due.

This is really such a positive statement, in that, although you are suffering pain, you are saying that in the long run, it's worth it because it was the right thing to do.  That is so wonderful because the pain will eventually subside and you will be left with a sense of faith in yourself for doing what you know you must, even though it is difficult, and the knowledge that when you listen to yourself and do what you must....you do and will survive.....and even thrive....afterward.  Good for you OR!!

One thing re the credit.....what I did was write letters to each credit card company stating that I was no longer responsible for any debt incurred or future debt accumulated on those cards and that the debt belonged to my ex h, to please remove my name and personal information from the account immediately .....sent the letters by registered mail and kept copies.  Even if a court orders you pay some of the debt, you have at least removed yourself as responsible for any future debt by informing the card companies that you are no longer on account.

Don't know if this is legal where you are but I hope it helps.  I don't think it could hurt, at least.

((((((OR))))))

Sela 

[Brigid]

OR,

What would be the benifit to add his bills to the divorce papers, when he has not documented them?  Mine are on the divorce papers  and I want him to help me pay those.

I don't feel qualified to answer this question.  Since the debts were incurred during your marriage, it is possible that those who are waiting for payment may try to find any way possible to be paid.  It also may be that these bills have already been written off as bad debt--I guess it depends on how much money we are talking about.  Did he ever file bankruptcy?  I'm just wondering why there has been no mention of his outstanding debts in the divorce decree.  Is it just laziness on his part?  It seems like he would want to get your help on those as much as you want his help on yours.  Have you discussed any of this with an attorney?  I will just say that my attorney insisted that everything--in my case just assets, as all debts had been paid--be listed on the divorce decree so he had no recourse to come after me in the future.  I agree with Sela that writing to all the credit card companies to make them aware that you should not be shown as a creditor, is a very good idea.

One last piece of advice I would offer--read through your final decree VERY carefully before you sign off.  I also had a friend who had already been through the process read through it and note anything that was not clear or omitted.  She neglected to include some things in her decree where her children were concerned and it ended up costing her $50,000 more in legal fees to get it fixed.  She was also dealing with an NH who had a BPD girlfriend.  A nightmare to be sure. 

Hugs,

Brigid

   

[OR]

Brigid

I'm just wondering why there has been no mention of his outstanding debts

My guess, I would want him to show me what the hell he was talking about because I knew nothing about them. I can show the judge my Cards were used to support the family, in my name not able to use his income because he was on disability. I just don't understand how he got those cards when he was  not working.
He had a storage place for his tools and Im sure what ever he was buying he had hidden away. 
He also had a PO box so the mail would not have come to the house.

We have never filed Bankruptcy, I will look into having my spouse connection to his credit cards be removed.

Sela

the pain will eventually subside and you will be left with a sense of faith in yourself for doing what you know you must, even though it is difficult, and the knowledge that when you listen to yourself and do what you must....you do and will survive.....and even thrive....afterward.  Good for you OR!!

Life is so much better now, I try and not show my D any signs of depression, I make sure she is busy with having things to do with her friends. Believe  WE can do this, I don't need to look for a mate to make me whole or be worried that we are not "Just wonderful in this life, things are just fine for now"
.
Im setting up guidelines for her to follow, letting her go out make mistakes to use as a learning experiance.
Keep communicaiton open, work out difficult problems together and always telling her I love her.
Both of us have healing to do in these areas. Im keeping strong as I can for her wanting to show her life is good no matter what the circumstance.


I have the mediation papers I must file, and surprized they asked about emotional abuse. I would be marking 11 out of 12 as true. When I read the questions 1 sheet is for physical and 1 for emotional abuse. My H now knows his emotional abuse is no longer tolerated by the courts.

One of the questions was about sleep and if the spouse kept you from sleeping. My H would do this big time, talking to me expecting me to be listening when I was trying to sleep. This was a big, big daily thing with him.
I used to plug my ears and try and sleep, no asking him to be quiet.


Long and Kaz

Make sure that you at least get a decree from the court that you are only responsible for specific debts

I would think if they are asking these type questions, they may look at the fact that my H never made payment on his cards, obvious I was making payments on the cards I knew about.

I know employers will look at someones credit report to tell them about character of someone they would consider for employment.
Even if I do have to pay his cards, I can show how I wanted to have good character and would be a more responsible parent. Also if child support had to be paid, what to expect from him....00.00.


I will be working on what to do about all this Credit Card Biz and may have to just tell myself it's

"ALL STUPID TAX "  a lesson learned, part of life with an N.
 wonder if there is any small print
 if spouse has emotional problems we could work something out with the debt. ???

Take Care and thank you all for the support......................OR 

[Brigid]

OR,
I'm very concerned for you that you do not have legal representation to help you answer these very important questions. Hiring an attorney is an insurance policy for your future and your daughter's.  Perhaps you can find a legal aid society or a local university law department to help you very inexpensively or maybe at no cost.  Showing the judge that you used the credit cards for the family and he did not, will not make a darn bit of difference when they have to make a decision based on state law.

I know that I entered the divorce process with many misconceptions.  Many of my friends also made assumptions about what I should be able to get in the final divorce decree.  Many of those assumptions were wrong because state law cannot force him to do certain things nor can it necessarily protect me and my children.  You must be your own advocate who is legally well-represented when you are dealing with these kind of men.  They are not honest, responsible, reasonable or trustworthy.  They will try to get out of anything that is not in writing and even then will test the limits to see how far you will let them go.  It only gets worse when another woman enters the scene.  I can't tell you how many women I have met who were totally screwed financially in their divorces because they did not have representation.  I was one of those women in my first divorce and I wasn't about to let that happen again.  At least then I was young, had a good job and had no children.  Not so today.

I just don't understand how he got those cards when he was  not working.

My son, the non-working student, gets offers for credit cards nearly every day.  Believe me, they are not difficult to come by as long as you are willing to pay the outrageous interest rates.  My guess is that he would have a harder time now that these bad debts are on his credit report.  You're right, credit reports are being used for employment, as well as many other kinds of applications.  It is considered a good determining factor of responsibility and character.  Something that our nh's did not have an abundance of.

You have gone through so much and been so strong.  I want you to come out of this in the best possible position you can.  Hang in there darlin.

Hugs,

Brigid