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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?

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Flo:
jarmac,

If it is any consolation to you, I have been where you are -- all alone.  Except my N family which we won't mention (see above post.)

Then I had this wonderful therapist who helped me focus on finding a best friend.  We have now been best friends for about 3 years.  We knew each other for several  years before that.  Also, he helped me focus on my interests and build a group around my music.   I built up a weekly jam session.

From there, I decided to find a different apartment building to live in, because my other building was so isolated and isolating.  I didn't know any of my neighbors.  

My new building is very social.  We have a community room.  I'm friends with several people who live on my same floor.  It is a multicultural building and I love having friends of many races, cultures, and countries of origin, and accents.

Also, I have met a man of a different culture from mine and we are in love and have given each other commitment rings.  He treats me like a queen, and I love his family and they love me.

All this is  the result of about 7 years of intensive therapy, medication, and 15 years of spiritual work.  Maybe it would not take everyone as long as it has me, though.

And not everyone would want all the things I wanted and want in my life.  My life is very full, too full sometimes.  And I still have depressions, ups and downs, and my life is far from easy.  But I am not lonely anymore, and I used to be.  It sounds like you are not lonely, though. But I just wanted to mention what the turns my life has taken have been, in case you were interested.  Please do not think I am trying to impose.  :)

Flo

Flo:
Oh, Jac, it is so nice to hear from you.  I feel like now I have my first friend here.  How nice!  I am glad you did not think of my post as an imposition -- and that you actually thought of it as an inspiration.

Well, let me tellya -- keep on keepin' on.

Do you have any memories of good times -- or any "spiritual," inspirational, or mystical sense, or intuition when you were a child that life was really meant to be beautiful?  Well, I did.  That is, I had those feelings a lot. And I have memories of them, and always have.

If you have memories of these things, that will help you.  If you don't have memories, maybe you can work on cultivating them.  Because I believe all small children have them, to some degree at least.  Let me know, k?  And if you can't remember, maybe you'd like me to TRY to help you tweak your memory.

So anyway, my intrinsic spiritual sense or whatever it was/is has kept me afloat, through all of this.  All this craziness and abuse that I grew up with; all these terrible moodswings and rages and depressions, and so much failure in many areas of my life, and things that don't make sense.  I go through times of suicidal thinking, but still, that "will to find out what the beauty of life is really all about" -- to see God in some way? -- somehow brings me around.

That's how I keep on keepin' on.  In fact, I have fulfilled just about every life goal I have ever had.  Some of them have had to be modified!!!   But one I had about given up on, was to ever have a love relationship like the one I have with J.... -- because since it takes two to have a fulfilling relationship, how could I possibly control THAT????  It just seemed like I was doomed to keep picking the wrong guys.  But so far, so good with J...

One of the really wonderful things that helps me with J... is that he is a widower.  He was happily married for 31 beautiful years.  I had always been so sure I would NEVER be interested in dating a widower.  I figured that at our age, any widower would have had a "perfect little wifey" who was at his beck and call, and was simpering and overly feminine!  And that such a man would be scared to death of me and learn to hate me, even if he were to be fascinated by me, and attracted to me AT FIRST (as men often are).  But it turns out that J...'s wife was a very strong -- even bossy -- woman!  So he and I get along fine!! He is so virile -- he is not "pu**y -whipped" believe you me!  He's like a bull -- like a ram and he could compete with any 25 year old in many ways.    If you get what I mean...... So anyway, the fact that he'd had a successful marriage for 31 years, and that his wife and I are at least somewhat similar, gives me a lot of strength.   Plus, his life has not been at all easy.  His childhood was very hard, he was divorced once after a short marriage and one child, and has overcome many hardships.  So he is anything but a spoiled person.  He has great personal strength and courage, and is a very successful person in his own very positive ways.

Jac, are you a man or a woman? I am a woman, and I think I already said that.

So, keep on keepin' on, kid, whatever age you are -- a young kid or an older kid!! And by the way -- J.... has only told me one lie!  He lied to me for months about his age.  He had been lying to everyone about his age!! He told me he was 63. I am 61, so this was PERFECT, as far as I was concerned.   But he "got caught" in the first speaker-phone conversation we had with his sister, and we got to talking about families,and age, and stuff.....he started stammering and stuff...well, uh, duh.....I'mmmm.....73 years old.  I lied to you because I loved you so much I really wanted to have you and was afraid you would not go out with me if I told you my true age."

His sister said, "Why, J...., that is ridiculous! Of COURSE she would have gone out with you!" And I said, "Welllll, I don't know....maybe I would not have!! I think it is SO COOL that he lied to me!!  What a sweet thing to do!!!"

Women HATE men who go with younger women, I think....but....hey....it sure is a lot of fun being the young belle!!!!!  (((simpering)))  He treats me like "una princessa" and "una rrregnya"  (a princess and a queen, in Spanish -- did I say he's NY Rican?)  I put the y in regna because I didn't put the ~ tilde in there.  Hmmmm    ñ  oh, THERE it is.  Alt+0241 on the number pad.  Too small to read, though.

And one other thing, Jac and all, you say "Myfamily was so toxic."  Well, mine was, too. And the really weird thing is, my sister and I tried for years and years (as adults) to figure out WHAT IT WAS that was wrong at home.  It was like we "could never put our finger on anything specific."  Not until I started reading **Trapped in the Mirror,** and all you great folks here's stories, that things began to fall into place as to what, exactly was wrong at home.

Flo :roll:

surf14:
I am the daughter of an emotionally and physically abusive mother; I have spent the majority of my life living as geographically far away from her as possible  and because of this I have been able to attain a good amount of mental health.  The problem is that she, several years ago, inherited her mother's fortune and money is a terrible weapon for a narcissist to wield.  I made my choice years ago (left to pursue my own life and health, she never forgave me as my purpose supposedly was to exist as a moon orbiting her earth) knowing the money would be a future issue. I am considering  'letting go' for good in light of a recent conversation with her where she once again reverted to disloyal and cruel  discourse.  I can let go of any claim I may have to the money although it is hard as  I am 52 and am tired from having struggled in that abusive home and struggled to raise my two daughters after my N husband made clear that he loved them but wanted no financial responsiblity  for them.   I can't sell out now for the money any more than I ever could and my mother is furious to discover this.  I always loved my mother despite the heartache but if I release her I have decided for my own peace of mind that it will be done with compassion and a regard for her fragility rather than with anger.  If i nail her and give her a painful reflection back I am afraid we will be stuck together for all time in an angry dance in time and I would like to be done with her forever and want never to see her again, either in heaven or in the next lifetime. Thanks for checking this posting out.

Discounted Girl:
Surf, thanks for your post -- it rang a bell for me, loud & true. Survival is the reason for stopping the abuse. Money dangling as a temptation is always a biggee -- my NQueenmother is a master at that one. While it would be nice to have lots of money and not have to worry so much about finances, I have made it thus far figuring it out on my own and I guess I can go the rest of the way. I see no reason to sell my soul now. After a dream I had last night and after reading your post (even though you may not have meant the same thing) I now realize that this sense of "why can't I forgive her?" is not what that feeling is. It's not about forgiveness, she just simply will not stop the abuse and I just closed the door on it so that she can't come in and hurt me. All she had to do was stop abusing me, but she wouldn't. I provided marvelous meals for her insatiable appetite. It has taken so incredibly long to figure things out, I vacillate between fury at myself for trying so hard for so long and wasting those precious years to feeling relief that it's over. As far as seeing her in heaven, I don't know. My heart tells me that heaven will be eternal and complete peace, a non-stop smile and sense of contentment and the warmth of unconditional and powerful love -- so there is the answer.

Flo:
:) Thank you, surf, and Discounted Girl, for your posts after mine.  I am also coping my post about the inheritance issue over on surf's new thread about inheritance matters.

Flo

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