Author Topic: Ancestor worship  (Read 1280 times)

October

  • Guest
Ancestor worship
« on: September 14, 2005, 02:47:49 PM »
I know there is a thread already about Ns hating their parents, and this is kind of related to that, but slightly different.

I was wondering what other people have found happens to the hated parent(s) once they are dead?  Has anyone else seen the antipathy denied and turned into a kind of veneration of saints?

From my own family, the most N person is my mum, and her parents are spoken of very, very rarely, but when they are it is with reverence, as if they were the most sainted people ever.  Well, I was small when they died, but not that small.

My maternal grandmother was an object of terror to myself and my brother when we were small.  The nearest the family gets to admitting this is whispered comments that she could freeze water at 50 paces by looking at it.  Which is true.  I don't remember ever hearing her laugh, although I do have one fond memory, that every night she would say; 'goodnight, God bless' to us, which was amazing as our parents never said anything like that.  I suspect that my mum learned her N behaviours from her mum, but I may be wrong.  Who can say after all this time?

My grandfather we loved to bits, but he fell out with every adult around him in his latter years, including the local vicar.  We were too young to be on the receiving end of his anger, but he was bigotted, racist, misogynist; you name it.  I saw the same thing in an uncle who was the image of my grandad, and, like him, besotted with his grandchildren.

Once her parents died, my Nmum latched onto their loss, and created for herself the image of the grieving daughter.  This is a role that she has played exclusively ever since, and one which overshadows every other role.  She cannot be my mum, because she is too busy being the griefstricken daughter of beloved parents.  She reprises this role at every funeral she attends, invariably collapsing in a heap at some stage to be helped away, sobbing.  Whenever either of her parents is mentioned, she gets a glazed look in her eyes, and sighs deeply, as if stirred by deep emotion.

Again, I feel heartless.  But when her beloved younger brother died, I visited her, to find these same behaviours happening, only to be interrupted when she saw through the window a neighbour passing down the road.  She stopped her sighing to rush outside and tell the neighbour about her loss, and collapse all over again, for their benefit. 

I have seen grief, true grief.  It does not look for a passing audience to impress.  It sits in shock, unable to comprehend, unable to move or think or feel. 

Ngrief is not about grieving for the person who has gone, or for those left behind.  It is all about the N and their drama.  Not content with sucking the blood of the living, the N sucks that of the dead as well, for years and years and years.

Yuck!!  What a nasty image.  Sorry!!!!!!!  Anyway, has anyone else seen this kind of thing??


Sela

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1273
Re: Ancestor worship
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2005, 03:39:08 PM »
I have an aunt who metamorphed into the same suffering stance for the seemingly benefit of attention and dare I say it.....control.

While her hubby was a live (who I loved very much), she had only horrible things to say about him.  What a ____________(nasty swear word) he was.  How useless he was.  How he tormented her and caused her so much aggrivation, etc, in her life.  He didn't do this and he was always doing that.

Then my uncle got throat cancer and died a very slow, painful dealth.  After that, my aunt had only good things to say about my poor uncle.  What a good man he was.  How he did this and that (for her, ofcourse).  How lonely she is without him and how he was such a comfort in life.  And her most favorite line:  "You don't know what it's like to live alone!!!"  (with a moan and a desperate petite cry).

Often, this gets her a good helping of attention.  It's hard not to feel sorry for her, as pathetic as she is.

Fancy switch though eh?  While the guy was a live he was considered a living monster and she did everything possible to get away from him or push him away, in daily life, but now that he's dead, he's a saint and she feels so lonely without him.

I think she misses him carrying out the garbage can and mowing the lawn and lugging the groceries in and even chopping the turnip because these were services she needed.  Now that he's gone, she misses his services, not him.  She always just seemed really jealous of him (he was a happy person, kind, always had a joke, loved people, epecially children and was very well liked by mamy).

Quote
I have seen grief, true grief.  It does not look for a passing audience to impress.  It sits in shock, unable to comprehend, unable to move or think or feel. 


Wow October!  That should be in the manual.  I don't think I've ever heard or read of it more accurately described.  And that's what it felt like to me, when I was full of immense grief.

Sela

miss piggy

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 349
Re: Ancestor worship
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2005, 06:37:57 PM »
Hiya,

One of my relatives wears the passing of her father like a badge.  He killed himself when she was in her teens.  She hates all living men, but he was the greatest and she named both sons after him (a first name of one and middle name of the next).  She is a weirdo.  My gut tells me she is really TEED OFF that he checked out and left her and her siblings to deal with psychomom.  Just knowing what she and her mother were like makes me think I know why a guy might take himself out.  A truly sad situation all the way around.  But lots for an N to garner ie sympathy.  "My dad died, so you and the rest of the world owe me"  Now I'm the one who sounds heartless, but there it is.  She is a bottomless pit of entitlement.  Truly pathological.

My Ndad won't say anything bad about his mom (like she would come back to haunt him or something) but my mother has told me that she (my grandmother) drove him crazy.  My mother totally worships her father, although he wasn't around much.  I think it was some kind of compensation/fantasy to rescue her from the craziness of her stepmother.  Sort of a cinderella deal.  With an N as prince charming.

 :shock:  MP

October

  • Guest
Re: Ancestor worship
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2005, 04:58:10 AM »
Hiya,
 "My dad died, so you and the rest of the world owe me"  Now I'm the one who sounds heartless, but there it is.  She is a bottomless pit of entitlement.  Truly pathological.


We only sound heartless because we judge normally, and if we were talking about normal people, in such an apparently offhand way it might be odd.  But these people are not normal. 

I love your entitlement description!!!!!!