Self Sabotage

[Bloopsy]

 I ted to sabotage myself in some of the same ways my parents did---oh no. I was wondering what anyone else's experience of self sabotage is and/or how you have handled it/ helped yourself to stop doing it???

[bliz]

I think it is easy for us to do to ourselves what was done to us.  Like be super critical or shaming to ourselves.  The parental cues were ground in pretty hard.  If you can recognize it, I think that is half the battle. I realize now I dont have to run around "doing" for everyone or thing to prove my worth. I dont have to be perfect.  I can nurture/mother my self.  It is okay to do wonderful nurturing things for yourself like get a massage, go to therapy etc, lie in a field of grass and watch the clouds.  .

[Bloopsy]

today I went into a store where they sell good quality make-up and let this woman do my eye make-up, that was so nice.I never learned to do my make-up or hair--- one of my scary for me early memories that I need to make up to myself for is watching my mom do her hair before work in the morning when I was little and she would be ranting and raving about how horrible and unfair it was to be doing her hair. I picked up on that and always flip out  in a panic( it's a five alarm emergency!!!)  while trying to do a hairstyle and then end up looking and feeling like a mess with a head of messy hair.  Sometimes people think I am punk or something and I just let them!!!!! LOL.  I like what you said, Blitz about it being okay to do wonderful nurturing things for yourself. It is the "little" things that go undone like taking the time to go to the park or smell a flower or iron my clothes, that feel like they take the biggest toll these days. "I can nurture/mother myself" --- pardon me, I'm going to use that as my new affirmation!!!!! That's a good one! what would be a good one for fathering??? hmmmm..for me I think it would be " I can strengthen and free myself".

[el_Thom]

Here's my problem, along those same lines.

I know I shouldn't do it.  I don't even really want to do it.  I know nothing good will come from me doing it.  But I still do it.

And vice versa, I know I should, I want to, I know it's right, but I can't.

The reason this happens is because any time I feel like I'm sure to succeed, I remember my parents telling me "You could have done better."  I'm afraid that I can't do better.  Instead, I just purposely do poorly so that I can blame my lack of trying, rather than a lack of talent or skill.

It's not a fun situation to be caught up in, and I don't know how to stop it any more than anyone else does.

[Brigid]

I know as a child and young adult, I went from one activity to another--quitting before there was a chance I would KNOW that I wasn't going to be good at it.  Since the voices I heard were always critical and belittling, all I knew was failure. 

I married young so I could move away from home.  The marriage was a failure (which my mother never let me forget), but it did afford me the freedom to seek my own successes.  When I decided to go back to college at age 27, all I heard from my parents was how I would never finish and why was I bothering to start again.  I was determined to prove them wrong and I did--and I did it with the best grades I'd ever had in my life.  It was the boost of success and feeling of accomplishment I needed to begin to feel I could be successful in my life--despite their words of criticism.

I finally determined that any encouragement to attempt new things and ultimately be successful or not, would have to come from within.  It has been a lifelong struggle to erase the negative tapes in my head, forge ahead and especially be able to accept the praise for doing a good job (only from those not in my family).  What gave me the biggest boost of all, was the success of being a good mom and the great kids I have raised.  Having something to be very proud of and knowing you had significant input can really improve those lifelong feelings of worthlessness.

I agree with Bliz and Bloopsy that pampering yourself, even in very small ways, can give you a feeling of self-worth.  Allowing yourself to feel you deserve that and especially enjoying the way it makes you feel, are ways to start moving away from the self-sabotage.

Brigid   

[Marta]

Brigid, that was a very moving and inspiring post. Thank you.

[Brigid]

Thank you for the compliment, Marta.  It means more than you know.

Blessings,

Brigid

[October]

The reason this happens is because any time I feel like I'm sure to succeed, I remember my parents telling me "You could have done better."  I'm afraid that I can't do better.  Instead, I just purposely do poorly so that I can blame my lack of trying, rather than a lack of talent or skill.

Hiya El Thom

An uncle said to me once 'If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly'.  In other words, if you enjoy doing something, then it doesn't matter how well you do it.  What matters is having fun.

 

[bliz]

I like that!  If we dont try, we never know what we really like.  Who said we had to be perfect anyway?  Oh yeah, our dysfuncitonal families.

[el_Thom]

'If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly'.  In other words, if you enjoy doing something, then it doesn't matter how well you do it.  What matters is having fun.

Who said we had to be perfect anyway?  Oh yeah, our dysfuncitonal families

The truthfulness of both these statements is staggeringly mind-boggling.

I'd like to cite a personal experience, if that isn't too exruciating to bother with.

If anyone has ever read the Little Prince, I promise you I'm not taking this from that book.  The similarities between the two stories are uncanny, however, and I don't want anyone to accuse me of plagiarism.

At the age of 5, I took a drawing of a spider to my mother.  It had too many legs, sure, but it was the right color.  It even had a web made that had an attempt at my name, just like in Charlotte's Web.  I took it to my mother.  After one glance, she simply handed it back to me and said "suns are supposed to be yellow."  I was immediatly crushed, just as every artist is tortured by the fact that nobody understands their work.  I told her it wasn't a sun, it was a spider.  She looked at it again and said "I think we need to put the drawing book away and go do some adding."

So ended my illustrious career as an artist, and my first memory of being told to do only what I could.  I think it was my mother's attempt to protect me more than anything, but failure is inevitable, and she only made it tougher on me for the future.

Mainly, even if things are worth doing poorly, sometimes they aren't worth rejection, which is a fairly regressive statement, but I can't think of it any other way

[October]

She looked at it again and said "I think we need to put the drawing book away and go do some adding."

So ended my illustrious career as an artist, and my first memory of being told to do only what I could.  I think it was my mother's attempt to protect me more than anything, but failure is inevitable, and she only made it tougher on me for the future.

I think this falls into the 'Mother as God Almighty' category.      Or perhaps it should be, Mother as Better than GA, because God makes the sun lots of different colours; it happens every day!!

As for what your mother was actually doing, whatever it was it was not protecting you from anything, least of all from her.  It was protecting herself from having an imperfect child, by her own definition of perfection.  Absolutely nothing whatever to do with who you were or are or had the potential to become.  Everything to do with her own fears of inadequacy.

As for rejection, yes it is a difficult issue for me too.  I avoid it by avoiding just about everything.  I would not recommend this route to you or anyone else.  Fight back!!!!  Go buy some paints and have some fun!!!!!!  Paint spiders everywhere you can find to paint them.  Paint your mother's face on them.