Hello my friends:
I decided to post my strategy for survival with my N-father. The following I believe does not apply to N-friends or N-spouses as they are individuals that we should just jettison from our lives. However, I am stuck with my N-father because he comes as a package with my mother who I love dearly. So I must learn a method to survive our interactions. In a sense, it all comes down to power. Not only are we robbed of our voice in these relationships but we are also robbed of power. For me, power is the ability to decide. Once I make the decision (hopefully it is a beneficial decision) as opposed to having the decision made for me, then I possess the power. The approach I take is to look at the DSM criteria and determine a proper response.
1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance.
This has no impact on me unless I choose to allow it. Simply deciding that he can view the world in any way he wishes does not affect me. If he emberasses himself it is not a reflection on me. If he takes credit for my accomplishments it does not impact my sense of self worth. Very simply, allow him to live in his own distorted world and give it no thought whatsoever.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
See strategy for DSM 1.
3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
See strategy for DSM 1. If you feel rejected because you are not "special" enough, simply consider the source. Self esteem is inate and seeking it from a distorted individual is meaningless.
4. Requires excessive admiration.
Too bad. Do something that merrits admiration and I will be accomodating. But do not look to me to inflate your ego. It only serves to deflate my own.
5. Has a sense of entitlement.
This one is a little more tricky. We are always pressured into defering to our narcissistic parents. This is wrong. All we serve to do is make ourselves feel less important and that we should always put others before us. If the request is legitimate then schedule the task at your convenience. If it is not legitimate, then tell them to do it on their own.
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends.
Use a similar strategy to DSM 5.
7. Lacks empathy.
Accept and move on.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him.
See strategy for DSM 1.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes.
See strategy for DSM 1.
On the surface it looks so easy. And in fact it is. We just need to be conscious of these decisions when interacting with these people or we fall into the hole that they dug for us. For most of the symptoms, the answer is very easy. We just need to be able to filter their speech. For me it helps to translate every word into blah. So when he says "I am the one that accomplished that." I just translate it to "blah blah blah blah blah." Believe it or not, the translation is usually more cogent then their actual speech. Try it, you might like what you hear. So the thinking part of the interaction is just jibberish. As for the action part of the interaction, only choose to do those things that you deem necessary and at your own convenience. All the others can be done by them.
Personally, I am tired of the abuse and have no more energy or desire to fight him. It has been a painful struggle with no beneficial consequences. I know I will never get a hug from my father, nor a compliment, nor encouragement, nor any of the other traits that come with good parenting. I just have to tolerate him until the day we bury him and at that point just feel pity for the miserable life he had to live. But as long as I continue to play his game, I now realize that I too will be buried having lived a miserable life also. I CHOOSE not to do this and thus the power is mine.
Good luck all, and I hope this may have been helpful to some of you out there,
Steve
