My Nmother's Idea of Bodily Perfection

[Sallying Forth]

Today I was thinking about my love of dancing. I used to take jazz, ballet and tap dancing classes and enjoyed them all. Some day I hope to get back to all three of them.

When I thought about dance I suddenly remembered my Nmother's obsession with my body. From an early age I had to take etiquette classes, ballet classes, and posture classes. My Nmother was obsessed with my body's appearance and wanted to keep my body inline with her image of what my body should be.

I said to my t this week, in my family it wasn't children should be seen but not heard. Rather it was I should not be seen or heard.

That about sums up for me what it was like living with an obsessive compulsive perfectionistic Narcissist.

[bliz]

Of course I know this behavior all too well, being a fat kid with out of control hair,  raised by the perfect looking, gorgeous, "Donna Reed" parents.  I eventually lost weight and now, even in my 50's, considered a pretty hot looking lady.  However, as a child, I constantly felt shame about my looks and thought maybe I was dropped into this family by aliens.  It takes a long time to get rid of those tapes in our heads.  Exercise, healthy eating and a healthy interest in our looks, can really help.  Especially exercise.  Exercise makes you feel good about yourself by releasing endorphins and actually helps you look better.  Sally, Can you start dancing or some type of program that makes you feel good about yourself?

[Sallying Forth]

Hi bliz,
I regularly exercise, lift weights and eat healthy. I've lost around 80 pounds since starting my program 10 months ago. I need to lose more weight before getting back into tap and jazz dance because of weak ankles. I tried it once before and it was a lost cause because of too much weight. I got my tap shoes and they are waiting for that day when my ankles are stronger. It wont be long - Spring next year is my goal.

I was never a fat kid. I was active and ate healthy. My Nmother's obsession came from the NPD and OCPD combined. I've finally realized this and it has been very freeing to know it wasn't anything to do with me. She was hooked on perfectionism.

[bliz]

My folks were hooked on perfectionisn.   Just my bad luck I was a chubby kid with weird hair.  My whole family still puts way too much emphasis on looks.  I hope you can get back to dancing soon. It is difficult for me to put things off that I love until another day.  Hope the ankles get stronger too.  Have you tried ankle strengthening?  WHen I sprained one badly I thought the PT was torturous but kept it up and feel my overall balance is better becaues of it.  Things like securing a  stretching band to a table leg and with it around your ankle giving 20 reps in each direction or jumping up and down on one foot and side to side. It sounds kind of nuts but seems to work.  It has saved me a couple of times when I have stepped in holes or fallen short distances on my job.

 

[Sallying Forth]

Thanks for the strengthening exercise ideas. I do stretching with a towel and calf raises with weights. Those two exercises are making a difference already. I can now walk on uneven ground something I couldn't do two months ago without further injury to my ankles. The weak ankles are a result of Fibromyalgia which is in remission with medication.

[bliz]

I hope you can dance real soon.  Fibromyalgia sounds like a very difficult condition to deal with from what I have read.  Glad you have found medication that is working.  Keep hanging in, Sally.

[miaxo]

Your Mom's behavior sounds typical of a N.  It always about appearances.

She wanted you to look like a pretty little doll...dressed to perfection....to be placed on a shelf.  You were a display item...no hugging/touching....no interaction....no talkng.  Just sit there and look good so she could take credit for such a beautiful well behaved child she had *created*.

Sorry.

[Sallying Forth]

Your Mom's behavior sounds typical of a N.  It always about appearances.

She wanted you to look like a pretty little doll...dressed to perfection....to be placed on a shelf.  You were a display item...no hugging/touching....no interaction....no talkng.  Just sit there and look good so she could take credit for such a beautiful well behaved child she had *created*.

Sorry.

Thank you miaxo. Right on!

[David P]

Hey Bliz, do you have any easy exercise to get me back my 'six pack'( Oh, I also need to learn to dance Salsa by Saturday -maybe the Lambada as well. Can you help me out?)

David P.

[vunil]

Wow, the mention of ballet brought something back for me that put a smile on my face.  My mom wanted me thing and graceful, too-- I was reasonably thin (never enough for her taste, though) but have never been graceful in the least.  I have a photo of myself, around age 7, in my ballet costume, very confidently and happily striking the worst ballet pose you have ever seen-- both of my feet are pigeon-toed as can be and my arms are flung skyward with abandon.  I wish I could have tapped into that joy, instead of the disappointment I always felt in my body (through my mom).

My mom and I used to diet even though I was thin, and she would watch everything I ate.  From when I was 13.  I remember cheating on the diet when she would leave the house.  If that won't screw you up about food, I'm not sure what will.

Anyway, just had that memory.  Dance is so joyous, such a chance for expression and communion with music.  Here's to divorcing it from any expectations, bodily or otherwise. 

[bliz]

DaivdP,
Now you are kidding me about getting your six pack and Salsa down by Saturday, right?  If not,  I would assume there are "How to learn Salsa video's".  Having always had a propensity to a little belly and the fat going there, also having done sit ups all my adult life, I have found Pilates to really help.  Again, a video or the class.

[Moira]

Hi all!! Ny N mother was also OCD, and a drug addict and alcoholic. She defined herself by her looks and was brutal with body image and expectations for her children. I've always been thin and she used to drag me constantly into stores to buy clothes and would loudly discuss with everyone how difficult it was to find pants to fit me because of my " fat thighs". She would then lift her skirt and strike poses to show her legs. Never got the distrubed and incredulous looks from others. Would make elaborate desserts every night and while giving me shite for being fat would then burst into tears and verbal abuse if I didn't eat them! Damned if you do, damned if you don't! I had really bad acne as a teen and into early adulthood and she refused to take me to a dermatologist and would publicly berate me on my acne saying it was all my fault- eating too much sugar etc. I remember being suicidal at many points and isolating as much as possible. She would also drag me into the limelight at every public place that had a piano and announce to the crowd that I would now play! If I didn't I got a beating at home- " for himiliating her". When she became demented and I didn't see her for many yrs- was the only sib who bailed and moved to the other side of Canada( on the other side of the Rockies- comfortable barrier(  fortunatley a huge country with lots of wilderness). When I saw her for the last time her remaining brain cells processed my purple hair and tattoos and piercings and went ballistic! Todl me I was soem kind of freak and biker chick! Oddly I enjoyed her pain!!!! Moira

[Sallying Forth]

I wish I could have tapped into that joy, instead of the disappointment I always felt in my body (through my mom).

Wow vunil that says a lot to me about how it WAS! Thanks for the insight.

Thank goodness I no longer feel that way about my body. I live in it now.

[Sallying Forth]

Hey Bliz, do you have any easy exercise to get me back my 'six pack'( Oh, I also need to learn to dance Salsa by Saturday -maybe the Lambada as well. Can you help me out?)

David P.

If you are serious David, get into bodybuilding and make sure you eat properly so you can build muscle. If you need a link to a web site I've got a couple.