Doing the Grieving for Two

[wokeupatlast]

One of my acquaintances who also knows my stbex commented that I "was doing the all the grieving for the two of you."  How true.  I am sure my ex is out kayaking with her friends and telling them about all my abusive and controlling behavior (although how I controlled her when I was at work all day and she was home on disability with a car and gas and car keys I don't know.)

It's been two months now, almost, and I can count small improvements: I can concentrate enough to read, I can travel a little further and longer from my "cave" at home, I get more done at work, but the overwhelming feeling of being lost is so hard to deal with in the silence at home each night.  I'm wondering when anything really positive will lift my head from looking downward.  The summer is going and I have missed the flowers, which are usually my joy during this time.  I've been holed up in my cave nursing my heart so that it can stand the ache and not want to burst apart.

I've read some books on NPD and BPD (she has both apparently).  I think about my mother and her NPD.  I see how I was the perfect victim -- like some kind of perverse soul mates, trained to think it was all so very normal and a happy home life.

It seems that at this stage the most important thing is to gather some strength so I can get out of my cave and begin a life of my own.  But I am so tired and isolated I would rather just go to sleep and forget trying.

[dogbit]

I think you have realized the crux of the matter.  You,in a small amount of time, have to deal with the loss of a dream and realize the damage your Mother has put on you.  The flowers are symbolic of what has happened.  But the good news is:  You will be so much more a wiser person.  And you will be able to share the wisdom with others and use that wisdom to regain your spirit!  And as for sleeping,  in my own case, I sleep quite a lot at times and in the process I realize that my dreams have changed from nightmares to optimism.  Maybe sleep is very therapeutic?  Being "strong" means many things for many people and keeping a stiff upper lip is only the facade.  Being strong is getting back your trust of yourself which will lead you to trust others.  Once you have walked away from a bad situation, your confidence will lead you again to what I call getting back your spirit.  Just have faith.  This other woman is very, very evil, disturbed, conflicted, mentally ill...whatever you see it as being.  Too often, we try to save them but they don't want to be saved.  It's like throwing a life preserver to someone overboard and they refuse the gift of life because we didn't throw it soon enough or adeptly enough or it wasn't the right color that matched their clothing!    .  I tend to ramble....stay strong and healthy, remember your spirit is everything, don't be too hard on yourself, and we all are rising from the ashes.  In my part of the country, they burn off the blueberry fields every other year to have a healthy crop.  Keep posting!     

[spyralle]

I really feel for what you are going through at the moment.  I am also in 'the cave' with my pain.  Five weeks in to be precise....  I know just what you mean about the silence... and the ....exhaustion and isolation.... and fear and lonliness and disbelief.....  You are so astute when you talk about your N mum and how you were trained to think that that was normal and happy....  My therapist said last week that the reason, despite everything that he had done, that I wanted to believe he still loved me is because that is what I have always done with my family.  I have never been able to rid myself of this fantasy that they are all just normal and that it is me....

Keep posting here....  It is helping me so much and gives me a reality check when I get so lost in my pain that I wish he was home...xx

Spyralle x

[mum]

((((((((Woke up at last)))))))))and (((((((((Spyralle)))))))))
I am so glad you responded, Spyralle. I was thinking when I read this post, Woke up, that you and Spyralle were in a similar space.

Dogbit, you wrote a beautiful and loving response. Very smart and profound.

Woke up: I was an avid gardener before I discovered my ex's final affair.  I had a huge vegetable garden. When he returned from out of town (4 months worth) and I uncovered the affair he was having while gone, I simply stopped watering the garden. I let it all go.  Didn't care a bit about nurturing anything beautiful, healthy. Why? It was not in my spirit to do so.  I could barely, as you so aptly put it, keep my head up. 
I did sleep a lot.  That's ok, (except when you have small children counting on you as I did).
So go ahead and grieve. The flowers will still be there when you are ready (next summer?).  The world will be there when you are ready to see it again.
You have been hurt, badly.  Picture a person who just got the s*** kicked out of them. You would expect them to need some time for the swelling to go down, wouldn't you? For wounds to heal? Give yourself some compassion, please.  You are a good person.  Go back to feeling just that sometimes.

Time really does heal.  You are finding little successes for yourself.   Step one. Little steps, saying thank you all the way.... Gratitude is one way to bring yourself "up", even if you are grateful for, I don't know, your favorite coffee cup!  Practicing gratitude is extremely powerful stuff, energy wise. Keep at it.
And know you are not alone. We have been there, or are there with you.

[miss piggy]

Hello spyralle and wokeup,

I haven't had to grieve for two, but I have dealt with fairly serious depression when I "divorced" an N relative (not a spouse).  My mother is dealing with this with my Nfather (grieving for two and the loss of their relationship.) 

I was thinking as I read this thread that maybe it is time for the flowers to take care of you...perhaps when you feel like it and you want to get out, but don't know a safe place, you can go to a nursery or public flower garden (where there aren't too many people, or maybe get lost in a crowd, if there are).  Just stare at the flowers and inhale.

My safe place was/is the library.  IOW, perhaps there are low-energy places to go while you recover and get a change of scenery.  Just  a thought. 

Another suggestion is: do not dwell on what you imagine others are thinking as a result of your N's lies.  You can't control it and it doesn't matter.  They probably don't experience her the way that you have to.  That is, they are not damaged by interacting with her, and you are.  You are taking care of yourself and that is what matters. 

Take it easy, MP

[mum]

do not dwell on what you imagine others are thinking as a result of your N's lies.  You can't control it and it doesn't matter.  They probably don't experience her the way that you have to.  That is, they are not damaged by interacting with her, and you are.  You are taking care of yourself and that is what matters. 

Miss Piggy, this is some of the wisest advice I have heard! SO true and SO important!!!

[miss piggy]

Hi Mum,

Well, thank you!    It was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn from my "divorce" mentioned above.  N engaged in a no-holds-barred scorched earth campaign of gossip.  Pointing it out early on might save someone here on the board at least a little pain or at least let them know that it will be painful, but they are headed the right direction...

I think someone else here posted that if people had to believe the Ns lies about me then they were stupid.  That is pretty much my conclusion now, too.  But I had to work through a lifetime of self-doubt conditioning.  I would literally walk down the street telling myself "I am a good person, I AM a good person!"    But I don't have to be "good" ie obedient for an abuser!!!!!  I can't believe how hard it was--yet other people would meet this person and immediately see through them, but there I was trying to earn approval.  Ick!  No more! 

One weird thing I have noticed is that the reason Ns are so believable is because they ARE nicer to people who are not family members.  When you are a family member, they think they own you and you HAVE to do XYZ for them.  They are still in seduction mode with outsiders.  That drove me crazy about this N.  Well, the bridge is now torched and I am not interested in rebuilding it.  Fortunately, neither are they!

Hang in there everyone!  MP

[mum]

I had to work through a lifetime of self-doubt conditioning.  I would literally walk down the street telling myself "I am a good person, I AM a good person!"    But I don't have to be "good" ie obedient for an abuser!!!!!  I can't believe how hard it was--yet other people would meet this person and immediately see through them, but there I was trying to earn approval.  Ick!

Oh, boy, I could have written that myself.  Here's to freedom!!

[Plucky]

One weird thing I have noticed is that the reason Ns are so believable is because they ARE nicer to people who are not family members.
This is a very important realisation.  Thanks!
Plucky

[Beautiful]

Plucky,

You are so right about the N pleasing everyone else in the entire planet before they seem to be aware that they have a wife at home, who they give a *U&&^%! about.  Friends, family, neighbors have come before me and after two years I have finally realized that I married a "cerebral narcissist".

He's a genius.  He's smart.   He's rich.   He's a child.  He's infantile.  I got sucked into the "idealization" where he put me on a pedastal when he was courting me; then after we married he "devalued" me to the point of pulp; and now I'm going through the actual "discard" phase.  Only instead of leaving him, I made him leave.   But, the good news I'm healings and accepting my denial.  I feel stronger now.  I will survive and I will live a rich, full, happy life without him.  it will be a road of hell, but I will take the high road - always.

My advice:  Find your backbone with your narcissist when you are calm and collective and stake your ground and don't back off.  He now has to go be with his "self", which he actually loathes, and learns that he can't hide behind his big facade; i.e., beautiful house, beautiful wife, etc.

Don't fight back.  Just be strong, calm and treat them like children, whether they act like they are 3 or 6 or 14, they are stuck in childhood repeating the trauma by projecting it on you.

Read Sam Vakrin, Malignant Self Love - insightful, but beware . . . he is a narcissist sharing his sick world with you for the glory of the attention he craves.



 

[Plucky]

thnaks beautifful,
actually that was miss piggy's insight.  I just liked it, and I didn't know where the quote key was. I do now.
a plagiarising
Plucky

[wokeupatlast]

Marta,

Thanks for asking.  stbx picked up her stuff last weekend after four postponements on Fridays.  She brought a crew of about 25 people, a moving van, and 8 pickup trucks (mostly her old softball team mates and the neighbors' recruits from the townies).  They had a big party at the neighbors and left trash all over my yard.  The good news is that I got to say "yes" or "no" to each item (most of which was already moved to the porch which really p****** her off).  Her gang was full of anger and hate so it was a very toxic environment.  I had three friends to help out which was nice.

She was so full of anger I was surprised (but happy) she didn't have another stroke while she was throwing herself around.  It's amazing that her people could watch her like that and still not know there was something wrong with her.

I lost it a few times early on but always retreated and pulled myself together.  By the end I just stuck to "yes" and "no" without commentary. 

It's far from over because she had an extensive inventory already prepared and added to it as she went through the house.  And we have yet to have an offer for settlement of the case which may mean she wants to go to trial.

Anyway, I'm pondering putting a sign on the side of the shed "Ding Dong!  The witch is gone!"  Not sure the neighbors would appreciate it, but it would be nice to have the last word after last Saturday's spectacle.

I felt poisoned by their toxcity and went into a tailspin on Monday, but was badc at work by Tuesday and am gradually getting over it.

Anyway, that's my story...

[spyralle]

((((((((((((((Woke up at last))))))))))))))))))

Well done to you for not losing it and giving her what ahe wanted.  It sounds like a terrible ordeal...  I still have a big urge to smash holes in her kayak.  I guess she has spun her supporters some kind of riduiculous story which is why they are so helpful, but I wouldn't let that bother you because when she has finished using them she will have no hesitation in showing her true colours...

Sounds to me like she was so angry because she was getting no N supply from you.  She would probably have liked to to go into histrionics or something...

Sounds like you did fantastically

spyralle x

[wokeupatlast]

Well it's a month further on and some small things have happened with me.

I'm looking at other houses in the area tomorrow.  I've decided if she doesn't want to settle for a reasonable amount, then we can go to court and let the judicial system decide.  It might end up her way or maybe not.  But I'd rather not just give in to her demands.

It really took awhile to get over her posse's assault.  I still think about it with distaste from time to time.  But I'm sure that most of them will see her true colors someday when she moves on to her next victim.  She will need another victim soon because she hates being alone.

I got an email from her daughter who acts as her double agent saying she wanted me to know "If we ran into each other, I could approach her."  No response.

I'm in therapy and starting to think more about my needs and what I want in my life than concentrate on what happened.  I have a pretty good feel now for how all Ns are alike and so I don't even feel like I was married to a person I can grieve anymore.  I was married to an illusion -- actually the illusion of all my better qualities being mirrored back to me.  Kind of like in the fun house though.  Distortions multiplied over time.

So that's my update.  Thank you all for responding.  It does get better with time.