Not being allowed to cry over anything?

[Anastasia]

Am I the only one who experienced this:  my NMother would not allow me to cry whether my feelings were hurt (usually by my cruel stepfather) or even if I were physically hurt?  This from a woman who is now so histrionic that she exaggerates every little ache and pain as bone cancer.  But I was never allowed to cry even when my stepfather came up to me at his family's picnic (when I was 17) and out of the blue just started saying the nastiest things to me about my appearance and personality.  I still remember the sarcastic smile on his face as he intended it to be nasty and hurt my feelings.  I remember crying and not being able to stop it (normally I can be extremely tough and stoic) but NMom came into the kitchen and just chewed my ass out for crying.  Not her husband--cruel stepfather--but ME the victim!  
I find so many of the behaviors of the narcissist have relevance to my own history, but I have not seen any mention of crying.
Was not being allowed to cry over anything the experience of any of you out there or was that just my experience?  It was like I was not allowed to have feelings at all.

[Rojo]

Hi, Anastasia

Referencing my experiences with my NMom, I can say you aren't alone with this.  I can remember three instances off the top of my head where my tears were absolutely not tolerated or acknowledged as being valid.

Once, when I was about 16 or so, my much older/adult brother and I got into an argument which resulted in him slapping me across my face with such force that I flew right across the room.  NMom came to me later while I was crying in my bed and showed zero sympathy and advised me to pull myself together and stop snivelling and that the incident was all my fault.

Another time, during high school, I was upset about a boy and began to cry.  When I didn't want one of the condescending, "come here my baby" hugs, she beat me.

Now the third is perhaps a bit more like your example with your stepfather.  My stepfather had gone off to live with his girlfriend (their relationship broke my family up for a second time).  One day I had to catch a ride to college with him and the girlfriend.  She and I got into an argument when she dissed my little brother.  The argument escalated and my stepfather called me all sorts of derogatory names like slut, whore (rich coming from a serial philanderer!!! Somehow the fact that I, unlike him, was in a committed monogamous relationship still made ME a slut!?) And, the coup de gras was him telling me that my mom didn't know who my father was until after I was born (due to my mom having affairs on my real father) and then he tried to attack me.  Anyway, some bystanders restrained him and helped me to get away.  I then called NMom to come and pick me up as I was in a terrible state.  There was no consoling of me, she just pumped me for info about what he and the girlfriend had said, and went on about how it was all an attack against her!!!  Never mind me...I had to buck up and deal with it.  

So, basically, this sort of behavior seems consistent with N characteristics...no empathy for others.

Hope that gives you something to go on, Anastasia.  These N's are so looney!!

   Rojo

[Anonymous]

N parents often berate their children for crying, for showing anger, for any expression of feeling that INCONVENIENCES them. They don't want to take care of a child's feelings. The child is supposed to take care of THEM. That's how they see it.  

[Lizbeth]

My husband's uncle (whom he was raised with), did the same thing to him all the time while he was growing up.  Even came out to his school bus to tell him that his favorite dog had died, and if he cried, he'd beat the cr%p out of him.  One of the several N's in his family (I have my own).

Am I the only one who experienced this:  my NMother would not allow me to cry whether my feelings were hurt (usually by my cruel stepfather) or even if I were physically hurt?  This from a woman who is now so histrionic that she exaggerates every little ache and pain as bone cancer.  But I was never allowed to cry even when my stepfather came up to me at his family's picnic (when I was 17) and out of the blue just started saying the nastiest things to me about my appearance and personality.  I still remember the sarcastic smile on his face as he intended it to be nasty and hurt my feelings.  I remember crying and not being able to stop it (normally I can be extremely tough and stoic) but NMom came into the kitchen and just chewed my ass out for crying.  Not her husband--cruel stepfather--but ME the victim!  
I find so many of the behaviors of the narcissist have relevance to my own history, but I have not seen any mention of crying.
Was not being allowed to cry over anything the experience of any of you out there or was that just my experience?  It was like I was not allowed to have feelings at all.

[Jaded911]

Anastasia,

My mom was not a N by any means, but the woman was about as maternal as a shoe.  I don't think she could pull it off, she couldn't keep her manipulations straight.  However, I think the nut was a little histrionic my self.  The way you described your mother is the way I remember mine.  If I cried, OMG, how could I?  I rarely cried around her but my poor sister used to be a nervous wreck around the woman.  

I feek the reason she was like that was because she was not capable of feeling love.  I can also say the same about my xN.  I was thinking about something the other day that struck me very funny.  I can not remember my xN ever stating that anything was his favorite.  Here I am hanging this jacket of mine up and I thought dang I love this coat.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  He never had a fav of anything and ya know, I don't think my mom did either.

They can't form bonds with something they are fond of like a dang coat.  I guess we should get some comfort in knowing it isn't us they can't love, they can't love period.  I thank my lucky stars that I did not depend on my mothers nurturing, I would have whithered away.  

I think that is exactly why this N experience hit me so hard.  I loved that man more than I could ever imagine.  I loved him deeply and I hurt just as deep.  He can not love so therefore his "LOVE" is a quicky on a Friday night.  Kind of shallow, but then again, he is every bit shallow.  It has taken me some time to realise that I did get something out of this relationship other than a messed up mind.  I got the satisfaction of knowing that my moms lack of ability to love was not passed on to me.  

My mom used to say I was always too big for my britches.  I asked her one day what her point was.  She then told me that no matter what anyone did to me I managed to claw my way back up to the top.  I was to big of a challenge for her at times.  It did not take me but a second to come back at her.  I said I am very grateful that I am a dreamer.  Those dreams are what keeps me waking up in the mornings.  And as far as me being to much for you to handle, every one of us kids were too much for her to handle.  

Some people should never have children.  My mom was one of them.  Now 39 yrs later she is calling me "HUN".  Makes my skin crawl.  If I hear from her once a month, fine so be it.  If it is a yr in between the calls, oh well.  I know that sounds horrible, but ya know it takes more than a womb to make a mom.

[October]

Hi Anastasia

My mum is the same.  When my grandfather died (her father) she took the phone call, then came out to the garden where I was playing skipping.  I was 11.  She said to me, 'I've just had a phone call; your grandad's dead.'  She was not crying.  I started to cry, and her next words were; 'what are you crying for?'

So I stopped crying and I walked away from her, along the road.  I remember thinking, why am I not allowed to cry for my grandad?  What is wrong with me?? Why am I not allowed??

Words fail me to describe the effect of simple episodes like this.

[Anastasia]

you feel as if you are the only one in the world who has gone thru all this cruelty sometimes.  The narcissists are horrible to be around growing up, aren't they?  
Between my Nmother and looney stepfather, my entire goal as a kid was to 1. not think about it when I was going thru it (in order to cope) and 2. to get the hell away from them so soon as I could and I did.
One day about 10 years ago I was shopping and I heard a mother talking to her son just like my Nmother used to talk to me ("it's your fault" blah, blah, blah).  I had not seen my Nmother for, maybe 11 years by then.  Do you know I actually got a vomit reaction when I heard this woman and was sick to my stomach afterwards?  Talk about unconscious memories affecting you...it shocked even me, but my Nmother beat me down every single chance she got.
Of course, her goal was total control but she pushed some wrong buttons, I guess, as all I ever wanted to be is away from her crap.
Today, I cannot stand to hear someone berate a child like that at all.

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what you mean.  If I hear someone telling a child off, I have to leave the shop, because if I don't I will start to tell them exactly what I think of them, and that is not likely to help the child in their situation.  In fact I have been known to do this, and get involved.  Usually I say something like, is that how your mother spoke to you?  Is that why you think it is acceptable to talk to a child like that?  At least by asking questions you have a chance of making them think, rather than provoking an automatic negative response from their defences.

[Anastasia]

Yeah...that's it...INCONVENIENCES the narcissist....love that explanation as it hits is right on.  Thanks!

[Anonymous]

my N used to say...

"Stop crying ... or I'll give you a reason to cry"

[CC]

Yes, that's exactly what my mother said, almost every time!  Stop crying or I'll REALLY give you something to cry about.  How cruel is that?

[catlover]

My mother wouldn't even let me LOOK upset.  We'd be sitting in the living room and I'd be frowning and she'd yell, "If you're going to look like that, then you can go straight to your room!"

Talk about not wanting to be inconvenienced by a child's feelings:  My mother used to put me on the front porch and lock me out when I was crying, from a very early age.  She'd say, "Let's see what the neighbors think about all this crying" and think it was very clever how I "didn't feel the need to cry now that she wasn't there to hear it and the neighbors could see me."  One time, I think I was about 5 years old, a bee stung me while I was out on the porch during one of these episodes.  I don't know how long I was out there screaming and crying and pounding on the door before she finally came to see what was the matter.

The thing is, now I get really disturbed when kids are allowed to carry on and their parents DON'T discipline them.  And I feel like most kids I've been around lately are spoiled brats.  Guess that shows why I don't think I'm fit to be a parent given the way I was raised.

[Anastasia]

Back to the "don't feel, don't tell" messages.  Boy, Rob, did your story hit me between the eyes.  Never allowed to cry as Nmother didn't want to hear it:  I was to be devoid of all feeling no matter how cruel she or abusive stepfather were.  And never tell anyone what went on in that house was her constant refrain:  you can't tell me she didn't know on some level that she and he were frigg'n freaks and totally NUTS!  The older I get the happier I am that I got the hell away so much as I could all my life:  what a couple of losers they are/were.

[Discounted Girl]

In our house it was the NQueen who did all the crying and carrying on. I went to my room and cried into the pillow. Rarely did she see me cry. Of course, when I was a baby there is no telling what she did/said to me when I cried. I guess I am glad I cannot remember. One time, when I was about 28 she hurt my feelings so terribly when I arrived at their house on a Saturday morning. She was preparing breakfast and asked if I wanted some. I said yes, and she went ballistics -- out of the blue. She threw the pan, the food, the plates, everything in the wastebasket and went on a cursing streak that would make a sailor blush. I stood there in shock and watched my Dad simply eat his meal and stare out the window, as if he didn't hear anything. A couple of tears fell out on their own and she said "you can save those tears for someone else -- they don't bother me." It is an absolute miracle I am not in an asylum somewhere. My 4 yr old ran to me and put his arms around my leg and glared hard at her.  But I said nothing -- just let the old bag rant and rave while I remained voiceless, a grown woman.  Ah, some things should be allowed to be reenacted.

[Anastasia]

You sound like such a gentle soul, Discounted Girl, and she has really hurt you alot.  Wish there was something I could do to help you.
Me, I get angry, cuss and yell it out.  Goes with my aggressive nature, but it helps me.