Can you be a controller and not an N?

[seasons]

My husbands Dad passed away this summer. His mother was put into an assisted living home, she has alzheimers, she is 84. It has been a very emotional, exhausting time. That is not unusual as we loose a loved one and are loosing another in a different way. Can I just share some of the statements from his family from the beggining.

In the room with his deceased dad. Sil fills out a list of names to be called, passes the paper around asking is she forgot anyone? My husbands brother passes along the list to dh and says, " Put your name on it so we don't forget to call you"! He laughs....we don't...we reply with silence and saddness.

Older brother calls the day before the funeral to his oldest sister...the queen of the family. He states he wants his wife and his other brothers wife with them in the limo. Now that would leaves me in a weird place. Oldest only sister tells dh she doesn't care if they bring their wives and continues to say HER HUSBAND will drive me and my children. My hasband says fine, I don't think it's right we were going to have Mom and her children then another car with inlaws, grandchildren etc.. Like usual he says they pulling a fast one. Dh says I WANT to be with my wife too! I will ride behind you in Dad's car, that would make me happy. She says no you can't do that you have to be with Mom. End of that I'm in the car with oldest sisters dh, my oldest dd (15).. complete silence....almost abusive in my opinion. After the funeral werre stuck in the car with brother inlaw still...while we ride around the cematery looking for his deseased mothers grave, road in circles for at least 30 minutes. I felt trapped and over powered. He did ask if it was o.k. to go see his mom, of couse i said, "YES", I just didn't know he didn't know where it was!!!!!!! At the same time he is looking with  his daughter from his first wife, (my 10 and 12 year old dds are with her) and step sons are walking around, looking and looking. It was not the time while you are leaving a funeral to keep someone in the car all that time.

I'm leaving tons out, but just a brief picture.

My bil told dh and I last christmas  how he had  a personal conversation about my husband with dh dad.
Bil wants to know why his Dad always picked on him or didn't show the same affection or approval the other brothers received.
Bil tells us, " I asked your Dad, why do you pick on youngest son so much? He does so much for you and you treat him like sh**, how come, he is so good to you compared to your other sons etc.."
Dh and I are taking all this in with some shock. Bil says, he said, (dh dad) why? Because he reminds me of my wife." That would be dh mother. His Dad was very controlling and she was very passive. He had very little repect for dh because he did not have those contoling rude behaviors like his other sons and was a very sensitve, loving son. GO FIGURE? I was furious, dh was hurt tremedously.........even though it made sence. He always asked himself why me?

Bil also choose to tell this after we find out fil has under a year to live. Pass on kindness, something good not evil when it benifits no one but the messenger...imho
Dh is also like me the youngest. He just turned 45 and his sister is going to be 60.

His brothers have been off the wall of rude behavior during the last few months. Dh tells his sister I'm not taking this anymore. I will not be around them for holidays etc.. I'm done with the abuse that has gone on for my hole life.
She says, I know thats how they are, they're just wired like Dad and they will never change. BUT YOU CANT break up our family!  Blah..blah...blah.... Just ignore them, or they are only kidding.
She is saying I see the abuse but ignore it, take it and make me happy by conforming to my standards.

I'm exhausted, dh and I have to get out of this circle. We try but his sister is huge at finding power of him/us with guilt and money.
Do what I say or you won't get any money. She says it in between the lines. Thats another post.

Are these N's or jerks?

I'm having a hard time typing this post Sister N, has called three times before 8:30 a.m.. I'm not answering, she doesn't like it.

autumn

[David P]

Sounds like you married into a 'nest of vipers'. I am wondering why your husband did not post to this forum, He sounds like the one who is 'voiceless'.
 Your SIL is one of those evil destructive women who will attempt to light fires until someone gets burned - in this case,YOU ( your marriage is the fuel ) She is provoking you and trying to weaken ,if not break your marriage bond with your husband.

You need to do some straight talking with you husband pointing out how you feel about all this.
He needs to understand that you, and his marriage to you, must be the 'main event' in his life. He owes you his primary allegiance and his loyalty must be to you OVER them and in particular SIL. Be wary of her attempts to recruite him and alienate and isolate you.

This crap from SIL cannot succeed if your husband finds his voice and is willing to declare his loyalty to his marriage over his SIL or other members of his original family.His actions are key here.

Remember SHE is the one who is forcing you two to take this stand.
Women like her CANNOT be appeased - they regard any attempts by you to be 'reasonable' as weakness on your part and will exploit you even further.

I think that you can only be reasonable with reasonable people.

Good luck and keep us informed.

DP

[seasons]

She is provoking you and trying to weaken ,if not break your marriage bond with your husband.

You need to do some straight talking with you husband pointing out how you feel about all this.
He needs to understand that you, and his marriage to you, must be the 'main event' in his life. He owes you his primary allegiance and his loyalty must be to you OVER them and in particular SIL. Be wary of her attempts to recruite him and alienate and isolate you.


David,

Thank you your post has been so insightful. Dh and I have been working on our marriage trying to seperate them from us.
I couldn't put into words the isolation I have been feeling. I'm shocked you noticed, thank you for bringing that to my attention.

[mudpuppy]

Hi Seasons,

I know I keep bringing this up but if you want to understand what is going on in your family google 'Karpman drama triangle.' Just cause its called a triangle doesn't mean there are always three people involved. There are three positions any number of people occupy.
Your h's brother's and father are/were the perpetrators. Your h and his mother are the victims and his sister is the rescuer. You will be amazed I bet at how accurately it describes what goes on between them.

I doubt if you can be a controller without having N traits. That doesn't mean they have a PD, only that they're half way there. But some of them might very well have a PD. Whichever, their behavior is making a shambles of your guys lives it sounds like.

I agree with David. Your husband needs to break out of the cycle not you.
I also agree about the isolation. That is a prime tactic of Ns. They seperate and ostracize anyone who attempts to break out of the cycle of abuse for at least two reasons. It works very well at bringing people back into the cycle to avoid the ostracisation. And it warns others what will happen to them if they try to leave.

What money power does sister have over you guys?
If his dad is dead and his mom has Alzheimer's neither one of them can be changing their estate plans. Did they give his sister the power to change their trust or will while they were still of a sound mind?

mudpup

[miss piggy]

Hi Seasons,

I will admit that I skimmed your message because it took me back to convoluted making of plans with my family and/or my in-laws.  When things get so sublimely complicated, my H and I just look at each other and say, "we'll make our own plans", in the spirit of hey, you folks do whatever you want, that's fine with us.  Key word here: us. Fortunately we are on the same page as far as presenting ourselves as a separate and united unit.  To deal with one, you need to deal with both of us.

I really hate it when people pull a divide and conquer move on married (or unmarried even) couples.  It's disrespectful of your relationship.  In fact, my H is the one to articulate that our relationship has, like, its own life and entity.  It isn't just him or just me, or him and me, it's the sum of us.  It gets awkward sometimes but is always worth taking the time to discuss our joint decisions regarding family gatherings.  Above all else, we want our relationship to survive any exposure to family dysfunction relatively intact.  That's always our goal.

Hope this helps!  MP

[seasons]

mudppppy,

We are both trying to stop the cycles on both sides. I am so tired on working at getting people to leave us alone. I beleive I have come a long way and my husband is on the road to freedom. We both want the end results, peace, love and harmony of they family we have created.

The family dynamics have changed, our chance to get away. Mil is now in a safer place, sad but safer, we're content with that.

Yes, SIL has control of the Trust and do pretty much as she pleases. That is the big set back as far as getting away from her, at this point dh is going to have to deal with her. He is only going to comunicate if he absolutely has to. She makes her own rules, is changing the trust to be used other than it was intended to. Is demandanding everyone give her $25,000. for her mom down the road. Taking care of her mother is not the problem, it's where and what is she going to do with all the money? Are we going to get penalized? Having our name on an account, that is really not our money, will it cause problems for our child when she applies for financial aid next year? I don't know, just things we have to look into.

[seasons]

miss piggy,

We are reaching for what you have described.  Thanks for sharing your convictions of how important your
relationship is and should be. It gives me hope.

[mudpuppy]

Is demandanding everyone give her $25,000. for her mom down the road.

WHAT!!??
Were his parents destitute? If not shouldn't their assets be used to take care of his mother before the kids' assets?
Or is this a loyalty test, as in "Give me $25K and I won't cut you out of their estate."
Either way I doubt any amount of money is worth dealing with these kind of people.
You have my sympathies.

mud