like to hear some advice and feedback

[answers]

  
  I am reading this message board for the first time and feel for those who are hurting. It almost makes me feel that whatever Ihave to deal with is relatively minor.  But I am on this website to seek understanding and some advice.
  Here is the question.  My mother is alive and well.  I don't recall any neglect or abuse from her in my growing up years.  I am the third in a family of four sibilings.  Mom has been critical to everyone, not just me.  I have had very little communication with her since I was a teenager. I am far away from family geographically, thus I don't see her very often.  We never call each other.  My situation is I seem to break down emotionally whenever I think of my mother.  i mean I sob.  Yet I can't put my finger on what the problem is.  I don't dwell on it everyday.  But how can a grown person cry so hard when she think about her mother.  How ccould I feel such negative anxiety that I can't call her.
I am starting to wonder if this has effected me in making choices in my life. There is always this emptiness and longing for something I am not sure i don't have. It is a pain only I feel.  My sibilings don't feel them, therefore can't understand.  They feel I am overly sensitive, I don't think that is it.
  Can you all shed some light on this?  Were there similar situations?

[Plucky]

Hello Answers,
welcome to the board.  In my experience, as I started to recognise that I had issues and deep hurts, I started to remember things that had happened which were clearly abusive, but I either forgot them, or remembered only the bare facts, not the actual dynamics of what was going on.

Sometimes things will trigger you and these things offer some insight into why they are a sore point and what might have happened.   Do you remember any events or situations after which you felt particularly sad?  There is some real reason you live far away from your mother and have little contact.  Most of us have been trained from birth not to recognise abuse and not to see when we are being trampeled on.  For some the denial phase lasts forever.

This might be a long process and there might be some surprises along the way.  Sometimes these intense memories can hit you at an inopportune moment.

The important thing is that you realise something is not right and you can now start to unravel it and this will lead you towards happiness.  Good luck on your journey.
Plucky

[David P]

Just continue to read and post here and the answers will slowly emerge. Maybe your sobbing is just your way of expressing your yearning for your Mother. The question is this - are your longing for the mother that you have Or the mother that you wish that you had?
I think that your non-contact offers a clue to all this..
DP

[Sallying Forth]

The first time I went to therapy 27 years ago I cried every time I began to speak about my family. The crying continued for 3 one hour sessions a week and 3 weeks before I could actually begin to speak about my family.

I had spotty memories of my childhood, knew my Nmother, Nfather and Nbrother were verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and that was all I knew. And I thought I had a normal childhood inspite of all the abuse. Pretty sad.

It was 10 years before I began long term therapy to uncover and recover my lost childhood.


Sometimes just the thought of a particular person who abused me would bring tears. At the same time I had absolutely no memories of anything that happened which would cause me to cry. There were no memories.


I too live far away from my family. I did this consciously when my Nparents decided to move to the area I had moved to. I moved to get away from them in the first place. So I severed my roots from that area and moved again to get away from my Nmother's smothering and manipulating and abusive tactics.

[dandylife]

My dad lived until the age of 57. But I lived my whole life without a father. What I had was a selfish, rude, alcoholic, scrimping to the point of almost freezing in the winter (though he made alot of money as an electrical engineer), argumentative, racist, uncaring, critical, demanding, entitled, self-inflated stand-in for a father.

When the last rites were given to him and the priest asked, do any family members want to pray or express forgiveness? Not one of us spoke.

What you are experiencing is loss and the emptiness you feel when you don't have love. I'm so sorry for you, and know you need a hug and some encouragement in your life. You are a good person and you deserve to be loved and treated with respect and dignity. Your body sometimes knows that before your brain and your soul come around.