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Overwhelming Guilt/Pity - Help

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CC:
My mother called me this morning and was hysterically crying.  She says she's been like this for four days, and I believe her.. because I know she is devastated. She said that the first day after I confronted her she felt almost suicidal.  She was trying not to call but that she really wanted to know if we were going to be together for the holidays or not. She was crying perhaps not out of true sorrow, but out of fear of losing me altogether after our last episode (see Free Ticket to the Theatre thread).

She was extremely contrite, apologetic, and seemingly sincere that she had hurt me so badly.  I stayed on the phone with her for ten minutes while she went on crying, asking would be be together for the holidays, or will she ever see me again.  I vascillated between numbness (consciously trying to remain numb) and overwhelming guilt and sadness.  I did not elude to any of these feelings, I simply told her that after some more time passes that things will be okay - that I loved her as my mother but I just wasn't going to let her hurt me anymore.   I told her she needed to suck it up and get through this.  That since she has admitted she is "emotionally immature", to consider this a lesson and learn from it and move on.  I did say I planned on going through the holidays as we always had (which includes my husband and I going to my mother;s house Christmas day for brunch).

Its tearing me up to see her like this - I have never seen her so upset since my father died.  I am upset too, though I am more distracted than she is.  But I am worried about my upset hurting the baby. A large part of me wants to go over there and put my arms around her, and comfort her for a few minutes just so she can pick her head up and go on.. She is 76 years old, alone and frail.  I know I can do this without losing my ground, I know after this last thing that things will never be the same between us.  But I am confused about whether or not I should.  

Perhaps I will send her the wrong message.  I am truly confused here about compassion and kindness and protecting myself.  I think I would feel better too if I comfort her a little, but why? because I feel guilty and I need to redeem myself, or because I truly feel like I want to be kind to her out of pity?

Even as I write this though, I see how when she called me even today in her own self pity - that it is still about her sadness and not mine.  But that's the only way she can see it.  She kept saying how she was horrible, and monstrous, and she didn't even see how much she was hurting me.  I don't know what is the truth, that is the problem.  I don't think she even knows, she is in pain herself.

The pain I heard in her voice was that of a little child who feels helpless and desperately needs comfort.  I have experienced the same pain in my inner child sessions many months ago - but I was able to receive the comfort that I needed from my counselor, people here, and my husband.

If my husband was home today he would say "just stop thinking about it, its not good to worry about this stuff when you're pregnant".  yeah, right?

How can I stop?  I feel like I need to take some action to put this behind me.  I feel like there is a cloud lurking over me for the holidays that I desperately want to remove.

Any help  would sure be appreciated.  I am feeling so sad today.  The anger has left me. I feel like I have really hurt my mother, even though intellectually I know (and I've even said this to her) that she has hurt herself.  She even agreed to that.  Haven't I punished her enough? Perhaps now I am only punishing myself by drawing it out.

Simon46:
Hi CC:

It is understandable and even expected that you would feel guilty, and in fact have a lot of strong feelings right now. I think it is important to remember that you did not cause your mothers pain. You did not cause your mothers pain. You did not cause your mothers pain. You stood up for yourself in an appropriate and admirable way. You did peel off a layer and force her to look at the pain that is inside of her (that was caused by someone else.) You forced her to look at her own shortcomings as a mother. You made her uncomfortable by giving her an unwanted dose of reality. That’s OK. You did the right thing by having a little Truth-telling session with your mother and of course it will be hard for her to swallow, but it is still the Truth. Continue to stand firmly but gently. It is up to each of us to find our own comfort when we are in pain. It isn’t anyone else’s responsibility. It is not your responsibility to make her pain go away, in fact, you cannot. I still say Hooray for you and what you did. It was hard for you and it will be hard for her. This is how we grow.

Anonymous:
cc,

I say this without rancor: your mom is very manipulative. Yeah, she's old and frail. Yeah, she's clueless and doesn't "get it." But you know what, you are pregnant and your baby comes FIRST. Your husband comes NEXT. and your mom is a distant third. She will NOT RESPECT YOUR LIMITS if you go to her and comfort her. You will start at square one again. You must teach her limits. This is the only way. I know from experience. If you are in therapy, get support for your guilty feelings. They are natural feelings but acting on them will reverse the limit-setting.

bunny

seeker:
Hi CC,

Have to chime in with Simon here...I see this reaction on the part of your mother as fear of change in the status quo.  But this is her concern, not yours.  Her phone call was an attempt to get someone (you) to rescue her from these frightening feelings caused by change.  There she goes again, giving you her "bad" feelings of first anger (you have nixed that) and now sadness (that might work!)  Think of how upsetting it would be for an angry person to learn that they have lost their best, most comfortable punching bag! "I really need my punching bag, I miss my punching bag, I hope you'll always be my punching bag, etc..."

Take the phone call as a sign of progress, a test of your resolve (you passed!).  You may also be feeling some discomfort with the change yourself--it's going to be different for you, too.  It will be easy/tempting to fall back into old patterns.  

We voiceless ones need to learn how to move through our guilt as much as we hope Ns will learn different, less hurtful ways of moving through their pain.  I think this kind of guilt can be defined as being made to feel responsible for others' feelings (not guilt over our own wrong-doing).  Think of how strange that is!  We should feel responsible for just one set of feelings--our own!  

Perhaps think of these crys as labor pains (after all, it is laborious  :) !)  You're giving birth to more new life than you first thought, CC!   :shock: But no one can get your mother through her pain, any more than someone else can feel your labor pains for you.  She needs to take responsibility for her emotions.  

Be glad that you are both feeling something different.  Life will go on.  It just feels weird right now.  Reward yourself and do something nice for yourself that will take your mind off all this junk.  Take care, S.

Jaded:
I feel like I have really hurt my mother, even though intellectually I know (and I've even said this to her) that she has hurt herself. She even agreed to that. Haven't I punished her enough? Perhaps now I am only punishing myself by drawing it out.


CC,

You are feeling guilty because your mother trained you to be that way over all these years.  Anytime we see anyone hurt we feel EMPATHY not necessarily guilt.  You put yourself in your mothers shoes and you know you would be hurt if your child said those things to you.  But CC, if your mother truly was remorseful for her nasty deeds, don't you think she should just come right out and say so.  I just am not feeling any pain for your mom right now.  Even with the empathy that I feel for her, pain is just not a feeling that comes to mind.

Some of the things that came to my mind when I read your post is that your mother is playing the guilt game, manipulating you into taking responsibility for all of the events, including her actions which led up to the confrontation.  I feel your mom is laying the foundation for a miserable holiday and will sooner or later blame you for it because of the confrontation you had with her.  I also feel thought that your mom will now try to use the "Wounded Mother Act" more so because of your pregnancy.  She knows it will now get to you more.

I am not saying it is horrible to want to comfort her right now.  What I am saying is that I feel you can judge a persons intentions and future actions by their past.  Just take a moment and reflect back through out your years with your mother.  There surely is a pattern right before your eyes.  I can only speak about my mom.  When I sit and think of an incident like this with my mom I know for a fact the woman is out for pity and she is setting me up for the blame for the next 100 things that happen to her.  Ok fine I have hurt my mom with some of the things I have said.  But CC, never has that woman ever said to me, "Mindy, you are so mean and hurtful when you talk to me like that BUT, you have the right to say what you did.  I am sorry for ..............I know I should not have..............  I take full responsibility for my actions.............!!!!!!"  

So I guess I am saying I am getting that same impression about your mom.  I can imagine what your holiday is going to be like.  Knowing my mom it could go one of two ways.  She might want to make me have hell to pay for my words to her, or she might go out of her way to give me the time of my life in hopes that I will feel guilty for even saying anything to her.  That way she could make me doubt my own feelings and memories again. I just don't trust my mom as far as I can throw her.  There is always an underlying theme to her missions.  

Please be careful with your mother right now.  You have the baby to think about and its damn time someone else comes before your mother.  

Jaded

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