Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Overwhelming Guilt/Pity - Help

<< < (2/7) > >>

Anonymous:
CC,
As emotionally difficult as it is to deal with narcissistic type people/behaviors (and I have to say based on your previous thread, you have been exposed to extreme Nism with your mom, unfortunately) YOU CANNOT TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS AT THE SAME TIME.  While your mother will not likely change or come to terms with a comprehensible understanding from your perspective, you can chose to maintain a relationship that suits you, knowing the capacities and limits of your mother, with expectations in line and boundaries in place.  Your sanity and well-being has to come first.  Easily said, I know, but when faced with this type of character disorder it becomes your sanity and happiness or hers..... your choice.  Sorry I hope this doesn't sound cold-hearted towards your mom as I didn't mean it to, just for you to take care of yourself first and foremost.


take care and congrats on becoming a new mom.
Seashell

CC:
Dear Friends,

I am greeted with such kindness and caring when I post here.  Thank you, thank you thank you for your words of support and encouragement.

I agree with each and every one of you.  A dangerous trap, indeed.  Unfortunately, my deeply rooted defense mechanism or "need to fix it" overtook me before I received your responses.

You will probably be disappointed to hear this, but I went over to my mothers after writing the first post today and suggested to her that we go out to do some Christmas shopping at Target to get out of the house for a little while.  When I arrived at the door, she burst into tears and I could see she had been crying all day.  She repeated again, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

While I was a little annoyed with myself for succumbing to the need to go over to her house, I managed to remain extremely calm and detached in spite of her emotional state.  I said simply, "its not healthy to sit in the house and cry for a week, let's go out and do some shopping to get in the mood.  I don't want a cloud hanging over us over the holidays".

We went out for an hour and a half, and there was very little dialogue.  I think my mother really needed it - she said she felt much better when I dropped her off. Perhaps I shouldn't be the one to fullfill her needs, but I just imagined a very unpleasant holiday unless I got the ball rolling.

 Seeker, you are right that both of us are uncomfortable with the change.  I guess that's why I am easing into it.  I did tell her I would not be seeing her Friday since we went out today for a little while, and she was fine with that.

Jaded, I agree with most of what you said.  I do want to mention that while its possible she is not being sincere, she has been owning up to it and taking responsibility for the most part.  She has said the words, "I know, I caused you great pain and I will never do anything like this again.  I just never knew how you felt".  Part of me I'm sure is denying the reality of her sincerity, and you see right through that.  On the other hand, there are always varying degrees of this disorder depending on the individual, and this is the part that I struggle with sometimes (Just how sick is she?)

Rob, I think you and I have a lot in common because we still struggle with too much entwinement with our parents.  We are both just now learning how to "make the break" and it is sooooo hard.  We need to remind each other, as we've been doing lately - not to slip and get caught in the web.  Please be careful about the holidays.  I really do understand if you cannot bring yourself to say no altogether to spending time with them.  I am unwilling (almost said unable, but it really is a choice) to completely cut Nmother out. Perhaps you can agree to a short visit for an hour or two (dessert, or something) to ease yourself out of the obligation and guilt.  Make that small commitment and stick to it, not allowing her to do convince you of any more.  Be firm.

Thanks very much again for your support, I wonder if I would have done anything differently had i read this sooner...

Jaded:
CC,

I was thinking about something and I found myself thinking about some of the things I have thought and felt about dealing with all of this emotional baggage.  Unconditional love is wonderful CC and I believe in each and every of us having the right to be individuals.  If others love us it is for who we are not for who they want us to be.

I do not feel CC that you are wrong for loving your mother or wanting to comfort her when she needs comforting.  I guess just because you offer someone unconditional love does not mean you are out to change who or what they are.  You are simply stating you know who they are and despite everything you love them.  I think actually that got me thinking about it and unconditional love is a great thing to have for your own sanity.  If you couldn't offer unconditional love you would be working constantly to change everyone you love.

You know CC I think you are doing wonderful with your mother.  You have set boundaries and by gosh you have given her unconditional love while you maintain your boundaries.  I don't think neither you or your mother could ask for a better situation than that.

By forgiving your mother and moving on you are not condoning how she was to you, you are merely accepting it, dealing with it and moving past it.  You have a baby coming and maybe it has got your mom a little nostalgic.  She might be feeling a hell of alot of regrets.  Some people are just not equipped to vocalize well.  

Love is such a master of disguise.  It presents  in many different forms and it is up to each of us to recognize it from the people we know.  My way of loving might not be the same way of your loving and your thoughts about loving others might not be the way your mothers thoughts are.  As long as you hold those boundaries in place CC thats all that matters.   While I was posting this to you I was listening to a CD.  A song came on and it was as if it was written about surviving a childhood like ours.  I will post it on another one so it wont be so long.  Keep up the good work Cc.  You are dealing in a manner that will allow YOU to move on emotionally.  

Jaded

Jaded:
These are the lyrics to Voice Within by Chrisitina Aguilera.  

A voice within

Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Yeah...
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

rosencrantz:
Hi again, CC - Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  I recognise the sincerity of your confusion.  I think your perception of your mother as a small child is very accurate.  She certainly sounds in a very vulnerable state.  It's quite amazing how honest she is trying to be.  A true 'N' just wouldn't have that much self-awareness.  

You both sound as confused as each other about how to reach out and how to express love/need/'who you are' without getting hurt or rejected.

You know, one thing occurred to me as I've been reading your posts lately : you often tell your mother what you won't accept and you tell her what she gets wrong.  Have you ever dared to risk asking for what you want?  (Or do shame and pride get in the way?)

I know that I don't open up to my mother any more because she turns into a spiteful harridan (as others here have also discovered- it's a moment of power for some nParents) - but your mother seems to be seeking opportunities to meet you half way.  And yes, she ALSO has her own needs in mind.  But, hey, don't we all!!  

When you shared your recent good news, it seemed as tho you were setting yourself up for rejection ("I know how you're going to react but I'll tell you anyway").  But, for example, if you know she's likely to be rejecting in a particular situation because of her own past, you could talk it through with her and share what you want and need and see if she's up for a new way of responding.  She sounds as tho she'd like to find a different way but hasn't got the faintest idea how.  There is a difference between wilfulness and ignorance - as a friend has recently taught me when recounting the tragedy of her own mother who was brought up in a care home.

Does your mother have any emotional support (counsellor, therapist, social worker, etc)? Could you arrange for any?  This might be just the moment when it could be helpful for all of you. And might get her intensity off your back while you concentrate on what's within

I understand your concern for your baby.  Some babies do seem to take on board everything that happens to the mother and feel responsible (I think I did), and some come out without a care in the world (as my son did).  I distanced myself from my mother as much as possible when I was pregnant but found myself in a work situation dealing with someone even more manipulative and upsetting (she was a manic depressive and I discovered the concept of co-dependence during that time)!!!  

It's healthy to feel the full gamut of emotions - I'm not so sure that there's a need to shield our babies from them - but you might want to investigate cranial osteopathy for both you AND your new born - both my son and I had sessions immediately after the birth. I know if made a huge impace on me.


--- Quote ---I am truly confused here about compassion and kindness and protecting myself. I think I would feel better too if I comfort her a little, but why? because I feel guilty and I need to redeem myself, or because I truly feel like I want to be kind to her out of pity?
--- End quote ---


I came across a book recently that is for 'Women who Think too much"  I think (sic!) that you might find it useful (me, too!).  

Just go comfort her! And ask her to comfort you, too.

I've noticed a couple of times that you put the words kindness and pity together.  It puzzles me.  Perhaps you'd like to be kind to her 'just' because you recognise her pain?  You both share the same kind of pain, having been hurt and damaged by parents (even if she's one of them)!

I think (and I'm taking a big breath here because this may be challenging to others - but I know that you and I have an implicit agreement to speak the truth!) that if you could avoid pity and feelings related to pity that you'd find your true feelings.  

It's the moment when we put ourselves on an equal footing with the nParents in our lives that we can fully acknowledege the contribution we make to their pain and begin to really find the road to recovery.

I don't know how I can say that in all the circumstances, but I know it to be the truth. We must all struggle for humility if we are to beat this thing.

Take care, CC
Hugs
R

PS For anyone only just embarking on this journey, I'd add that we can only do that after we've discovered just how much pain and damage they've caused US - so don't anyone try to skip a stage!!! ;-)

PPS CC, you posted again (and so did Jaded) while I was still writing this last night (around midnight my time) - I'm glad you followed your heart.  It's not a bad thing to respond to someone else's need for support - it only gets dangerous for us when we become codependent/addicted to fulfilling those needs.  I'm still not out of that wood.  I think you did great.
R

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page