Is my dad an N?

[NPDDad?]

Hiya all

Through reading these boards and reading up about N's I'm sure my Dad is an N, however as there is no one else I can ask, I would really appreciate your take on this.

A bit of background is my Mum & Dad split when I was 3.  According to him, all down to Mum, he couldn't do anything about it.  Mum remarried when I was 5 to a lovely man and dad got access every other Saturday.  He says my stepdad took mum off him (though how I've no idea as she didn't meet him until well over a year after they had split up!)

Main Past Issues:-

1.  When him and his ex girlfriend got together, he completely ignored me and spent the whole day snogging his then new girlfriend on the sofa.

2.  Huge arguments on the doorstep with my Mum and Stepdad.  He just used to go on and on and on, until the only thing they could do was shut the door in his face.

3.  He used to say, "In this house I'm God, you will do as I say"

4.  He threw me out at 17 because his girlfriend left him and I only made him beans on toast for his tea when he asked me to get his tea for him.

Recent things:-

Absolutely no empathy whatsoever about why I asked my stepdad to walk me down the isle when me and my husband recently married.  He just said, I'm your father, even though you may want it to be someone different, it's not.  He accused me of lying by having my stepdad and Mum on the invites (my stepdad gave us money towards our wedding, he didn't offer a bean.... not that money was important and obviously didn't matter to us, just because my stepdad helped us out, we felt it was fair for his name to be on the invites).  Unless I do what he wants, he's not happy and when I do do what he wants, he's still not happy.

He talks about himself all the time.  I lost it a few months ago and told him to shut his mouth.  His dog, his house, his boat.... If I go on his boat then I would have another interest.  My stepdad is also medically retired.  My real dad sat there and said how he should have a mobility car the same and be on maximum disability, although he's perfectly able, can walk quite easily and doesn't need any help!  When I retaliated with I've seen the forms for maximum disability which ask can you have a bath, how far can you walk, can you make a meal, all of which he can do easily.... he then backtracked and said that he didn't say he deserved maximum disability and I'd misunderstood him.

He believes that God's given the world to the devil because he gets a bum deal.  So any negative thing is used to back up this belief.  Totally unable to see positive things.

He thinks he's better than anyone else, which is strange considering he doesn't work (bad back you know!), has a crappy house, car and boat.  Loves the dog and controls the dog beyond belief.  He will make him wait a good minute sitting for his food... won't take him off the lead, won't let anyone else look after him (the dog might run off and go looking for him!).  Poor dog is such a mild mannered sad little thing.

His online community is Malcsworld and his usernames are generally Malcsworld and Supermalc.

This is obviously only a short part of everything, but I wondered if anyone could relate?

He's out of my life at the moment due to the wedding stuff, but I know at some point he will come back and expect everything to go back to the way it was before.

Any advice appreciated. xx

[NPDDad?]

Oh yes, and another thing... after he had thrown me out, his girlfriend left him and he expected me to move back in so I could do his cooking and cleaning, and he couldn't understand why I said no!

[Gail]

He sounds like an N to me.  Congratulations on holding your ground about having your step-dad walk you down the aisle.  And congratulations to your mother for marrying a lovely man who helped her raise you.

His behavior is outrageous and you've done well to stand up for yourself.

Gail

[Marta]

Hi,

Yes, your dad sounds like an N. I am really glad first of all that you are fortunate enough to have a mom who was courageous enough to leave your N dad, and a sweet stepdad who truly cares about you -- so you could grow up into this person who'd instinctively do the right thing and stand up to the bullying by your N dad.

Good luck for the upcoming wedding, don't let the N dad ruin it for you your big day.

Best, Marta

[BPDdad?]

Thank you for listening and replying.  I do appreciate it as it's difficult when although you know deep down you're not the one with the problem, but you've got your dad saying that it's your fault for such and such and I have trust issues etc etc etc.  I think you probably know what it's like.  He's called my husband an alcoholic because he had a can of lager, at home after he finished work.  He totally doesn't seem to care what he says or who he offends and then makes out he's the most honest and truthful guy around.  He thinks he lives on his own because no one can live with someone who's always right, which I think is probably that he lives on his own because he can't control and manipulate anyone as well as he can his dog.  He refuses to let me talk to his doctor as according to him he hasn't got a problem apart from his bad back (which is why he expected me to go and look after him, even though I work full time and he doesn't work).  He alienated his dad before his dad died and has alienated his sister who won't have anything to do with him.

Another thing he does is, when out dog walking, he talks to other dog owners about this dog club he joined who helped him train his dog and what a marvelous place it is and they can have a dog as well behaved as his.  If I'm with him I'll kind of wander off as it's quite embarrassing, these poor people just out walking their dog and this person comes up and harrasses you about how poorly behaved your dog is.  And half way through he'll point at me and say "yeah, that's my daughter by the way" in this dismissive voice.  Talk about wanting the ground to open and swallow you up!!

Thanks for listening to and replying to this.  Although people think he's odd, no one really understands and I'm still very scared it's hereditory or something I can pass on.  It also makes me look for signs of N in me, however I think I am possibly more of a people pleaser.  This really does help hearing stuff from people who can relate to it. xx

[Brigid]

Hi,
Yes, I would say your father is an N and he is not going to change.  How great for you that your mom got away from him and married a good man who you can look up to.

My father was also n (has been dead for nearly 6 years), but my n-abling mother stuck it out with him for over 50 years.  I finally had to cut off any communication with either of them as the stress of having the relationship was just too great.  It was very difficult to explain that to others and most people just thought I was a terrible person for not loving and caring for and about my father.  They didn't care about the fact that he never loved or cared for or about me.

We all have the fear of turning into them, but you needn't worry.  It sounds like your feelings and empathy are intact and probably overly so as a reaction to your treatment by your father.  Try to concentrate on building your new marriage with the support of your mom and step-dad and let bio dad stew in his own juices.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Healing&Hopeful]

Bridget.... I can relate to people thinking that you don't care.  He is going round telling everyone that I didn't want him at the wedding and it's all down to me.  Just the same as he told me it was all down to his dad and sister why they don't keep contact with him.  It's took me years to realise this is not the case and to not feel sorry for him.

My Mum has NPD traits.  Things like when I was growing up, she wanted me to eat within a certain time and if I didn't she'd push my face in the plate, when getting clothes she would say, "what about this, this is much nicer", so I'd just go with what she wanted because it was easier, however I am pretty sure that she's not full blown NPD.  I think these might have come from living with my biological dad as he wouldn't buy her a home and give her any money so she had to get my clothes from the jumble.... I feel that we all can have a few narcisstic traits in us, some moreso than others, but that doesn't necessarily make us NPD (it's funny actually as NDP is my brother's initials).

[Hopalong]

It's took me years to realise this is not the case and to not feel sorry for him.

I relate...and yet still struggle with this with my N parent, brother, and other Ns. AFter a while, I do feel as though compassion is the only place I can feel peaceful in. As long as it's not capitulation. What a struggle to keep drawing, and redrawing, and redrawing boundaries as you must do to not be perpetually undermined by an N. But when you truly contemplate them, they're sad people. Matching their indifference with an equal rage of my own seems to counteract the point of not becoming like them. And fury is horrible way to live, draining, exhausting. But I'll never make it all the way to indifference. Detached compassion. Very very challenging but I think it's the only concept that seems to work in my head. Hopalong

[seasons]

NPDdad,

Yes, it sounds like it to me, I wish for you it wasn't the case, I'm so sorry. Reading your post just gave me the chills because it is so unbelievable how alike the N's are in too many ways.

I'm also a people pleaser, I beleive we have to work on pleasing ourselves first, getting our own approval etc. before we can give..give..give to other in a healthy balanced way.

You don't have N'ness in you. You are very articulate and compassionate. (((hugs)))

I'm new and I know there is such great support and help here, you came to a wonderful place.

p.s.
Are you close to your step dad?

((((hugs and stength)))

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Seasons

Yes I am close to my stepdad.  He is the most normal person in my family and I have a huge amount of respect for him.  Plus when my Mum was like she was with me, he used to try and stick up for me, something which used to infuriate her more.

My stepdad was the person who gave me hugs, bounced me on his knee etc.  He is such a kind, loving man and I know it is the strengths of him, that I have picked in my future husband, if that makes any sense.  In that respect, I've been very lucky. xx