Realistic Love vs. Daydreams

[Hopalong]

Hello. I would be grateful for advice on loneliness. 10 years after divorce, the last several of which I've spent working intensely to learn about emotional health, I am venturing out again. I've had 4 heartbreaks (one very bad, which taught me about narcissism and helped me see my lifelong pattern of attraction to Ns). My worry is this: I am highly imaginative and that is a gift in my creative life, but creates heartbreak in my personal life, because I over-read or under-read important clues to character. How do you use judgment in assessing whether a man is one you can trust? I don't want to go out in a suit of armor... It's just that my history leaves me with a strong fear that I won't recognize a bad candidate. Any reflections on this, signs and signals you've come to trust, would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[David P]

Hopalong eh? Cute!
OK, here is what I think, People generally give big clues about their character(flaws) IF you listen and observe.  Abusers seem to regard their abusive past behavior as 'cool' or 'clever'.or even, 'justified.'
If you meet someone new and they mention any past events in their life when they were acting out in anger, get away from them pronto. They will tell you in fine detail how their abuse was justified and how the other person made them angry....etc. What they are really saying is that they lose control and lash out when they are frustrated or cannot get things to go to their liking .
Guess what - you will become their next victim..
Stay around at your peril.

DP in Tx.

[Chicken]

Hi Hopalong,
I love your nick name!  Appropriate in this sense.  The only advice i would give you is to take your time.  Go as slow as a snail with anyone you meet that SEEMS interesting.  If you go slowly, this will also eliminate the guys (or girls or whoever you may be into) who want a quick fix.  If you go slowly, it will allow the time you need to take to figure someone out.  Hopefully you will now attract people who are more like you and who will also take time to open up.  
Good Luck!

[Gail]

I keep promoting this website, but the article on How to Tell If You're Dating a Loser is priceless.  The address for the site is www.drjoecarver.com     He explains that it can be hard to judge someone's character early in the dating relationship.  Then he gives 20 signs that someone has the potential to cause great harm down the road.  I'd add one more characteristic to his list, and that would be passive aggressive behavior.

Gail

[Brigid]

Welcome Hopalong,
I think many of us here have spent a lifetime being lonely because of the relationships with either n parents or partners or both.  Life with them is just as lonely as life without them, IMO. 

Finding a partner who is not personality disordered when that is all you've known, is hard.  It sounds like you have spent a lot of time on yourself--which is certainly key to not making those mistakes again.  I think it is important to determine those characteristics that are most important to you before you start to date again, i.e., (since I don't know how old you are) does he want to have a family, or if one already exists, what kind of relationship does he have with his children and ex; if religion is important to you, is it also important to him; career aspirations for the both of you, etc., etc.  Whatever it is that you feel must be present in someone with whom you want to be long term.  Then I think that just observing his treatment of those who are close and familiar to him (including you, of course), and those who are strangers providing services (waitresses, etc.), can be a good starting point to learning his true character. 

Taking it slow is important and anyone who wants to rush into a close relationship, is sending up a major red flag.  The other important thing for me was to promise myself up front that if I saw a major red flag in someone I was dating, that I would immediately choose to terminate the relationship and move on rather than believe that it was something I could fix or change given enough time.  That is not going to happen and it will eventually be the demise of the relationship.

I don't know if any of that was helpful to you, but it was how I approached the whole reentry into dating and has provided good results thus far.  Good luck on your journey.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

David, Selkie, Gail, and Brigid,
Thank you very much. I think sloooooooow is the thing. My fantasies race. It scares me, when that starts. My head gets the common sense of watching for the flags...my loneliness sometimes persuades me to override the brain. Okay, not sometimes...way too often.
It's intimidating but I'll try!
BTW, because I'd feel better mentioning it, I was very briefly on this forum once before and this is a return visit. I chose a new name because I realized the other one was a bad fit. Glad you like this moniker!

Realistically, I hope...
Hopalong

[David P]

Hey Hoppie, another way to 'test' them is to say NO to them and watch their reactions. This is one of my favorite tests because it reveals a lot about the other person's character,quickly.
The following story is at the extreme end of things but it illustrates the point I am making.

Recently I started seeing S who seemed to be a nice lady -sweet, attractive and a moderate party girl. However I also date another lady named P and have a casual relationship with her. Within two weeks of seeing S she had volunteered the following information -
She was a cop for four years and she also worked as a prison guard for a short time. Her previous two boyfriends had 'equipment malfunction' !!! She smashed her previous boyfriend's windshield with a piece of 2X4 . Apparently he was sitting in his car talking to someone and S got all jealous.
S delivered this anecdote with pride and righteous indignation.She saw her behavior as a natural consequence of her boyfriend's car talk.

She had a problem with alcohol and cannot get sexually active without it.
She demanded that I dump P and sign up with her(S) exclusively. I said no, so she started ranting and  then poured a hot pot of tea onto my lap.

She still TXTs me and accuses me of "not treating women well".

They are out there !!

David P.

[NPDdad?]

I think that one thing to ask yourself is "Are they responsible for their own words and actions?"  I feel this is a key sign as they have such a blaming personality, are they admitting that they were partly to blame in the previous relationship or was it all the ex girlfriend, ex wife.  From talking to them, can they see what is their fault and what is the other parties.

Hope this helps hon. xx

[bliz]

Believe actions and behaviors, not words.

[Chicken]

beautifully summed up, Bliz