Damage control - is it my responsibility/is it worth it?

[Dawning]

Hello all.  I recognize some names and see some new ones.  I joined this board last April.  First and foremost, I have a mother with NPD.  When I joined the board, I was not talking to her.  Over the past year and a half, I have examined my own behaviour, etc and saw/realized areas I  could change to live the kind of life that would bring me happiness and not what I feel is constant condemnation just being who I am.  To anyone other than my mother and father, I feel pretty much supported so it seems to be I've taken responsibility for my life, my actions.  Last December, I participated in a retreat in California and met a man there.  He has issues of his own and, since spending time with him, I feel he is trying to work it out...as I am.  In this way, we are supporting each other.  A few days ago, I decided - after about 2 and a half years - that I would fly to the east coast and spend 4 days with Mom.  I invited my significant other to come along and he accepted.  Since the initial....."you are so damn good-looking" when my mother first saw him, it has degenerated....now, I am "going down the gutter,"  she is only verbally abusing me because she "loves me," anyone else in the family would feel "the same way" (mind you, they have all disowned her or kept their distance.)  This morning, she woke up and proclaimed, "I'll give you until 2pm with "that guy" and if you are not back at the hotel by then, then I am leaving."  As a daughter, wanting to love her mother, I want to abide by her heartless conditions.  But I am 41 years old and her bitterness, hatred of so much about life...is effecting my ability to be around her.  My significant other is effected too.  He is very sensitive.  We met at a retreat in California.  There is just something about being around this woman that degenerates into unhealthiness.  One minute....she nice/earning your trust and then when you are honest with her, she judges, lashed out and basically machine guns you down.  I feel tired.  This is my vacation.  She hates my significant other, has decided- yet again for the umpteenth time - that there is something wrong with me....NEVER looking at herself.  I just need to vent.  I get healthy.  The members of this board have been a great help.  Then, her verbally abusive, authoritarian sounding voice, manipulative behaviour, emotional blackmail and hipocrisy come out of her....almost like a habit.  And I don't need this.  I want to be compassionate but at what point do you just shake your head and walk away.  Everytime I am around her, I become self-destructive.  When I am not around her, I feel comfortable and loved - by myself and others. 

I know I haven't posted in awhile.  I am in some pain now.  She is on a roll.  As I write this, she is having breakfast in the hotel restaurant.  As soon as I finish, I have the feeling that I will sit down, look in her cold eyes and see utter, utter hatred.  She says she loves me but I truly, feel deep down inside that she doesn't.  She pays for this and that and I guess we are supposed to appreciate it and shut up and let her have her way.  HER car, HER money, HER hotel room....HER daughter....what makes a person like this?

Thanks for listening, board.

Dawning.

[Bloopsy]

Dear Dawning,
I'm sorry your mom is so mean to you. To me it sounds not worth it--- you have done so much work, it is not fair to you to be around some one even if she is your mom that makes you self destruct.
Take care and I hope today goes better,
Love,
Bloopsy

[spyralle]

Hi Dawning,

Firstly I want to say how great you are to take responsibility for your life and spend the time with yourself that you clearly deserve.  When I read your posting I was fascinating as you could have been me writing about my mother.  i know that scenario where it starts of great and then degenarates into difficult undertones followed by venomous overtones, and I am so with you on the money thing too.  My mum is the same.  She will give me money to help and support me and then ther is oh such a massive price to pay....

I know what you mean about feeling better when she is not around.  i have not spoken to my mother since around March time and I have also been in therapy.  It is really helping to stay away and the more I do that the more I start to think....  Hey maybe I am actually ok.  Your new man sounds lovely.  To find a man with a sensitive nature is a lovely thing, don't let her spoil it for you.  I think a lot of it is about envy.  It's my guess that she sees your happiness and love for this man and that detracts from her control of you so she needs to step up the game...

Lay clear firm boundaries.  I know what you mean about the guilt feelings.  My mother is an expert at showing me how fragile she is if I retaliate.  When she creeps into your psyche do not become engaged with her s**t.  Just walk away even if it is just by simply saying firmly that you do not want to continue with the discussion.

There is nothing wrong with you.  It is her projecting her own stuff. Give it back to her..... and keep posting.

Spyralle x

[miss piggy]

Hello Dawning,

Some of your post sounds like maybe you are still buying into her crap.  Think of her as a competitive sister who wants to steal your gorgeous boyfriend and maybe that will put it into perspective for you.  You can still love your mother and not obey her every demand.  She's not the boss of you anymore.  My Nfather is also "generous" in the same way as your mother.  Everything on HIS terms and we're supposed to be oh so grateful.  And if we're not, he's a huge martyr.  But don't ask for what you really need.  I agree with Spyralle, she is projecting her stuff onto you.  It feels lousy to know that our own parents can barf in our lap every time they see us. 

So be compassionate from a distance.  Kryptonite is still kryptonite if you love it or hate it.  It's still going to bring you to your knees.  There is no antidote except distance and shrinking her power she has in your head. 

If there is any good in this experience, maybe it is that your SO has witnessed what you grew up with.  Unfortunately, the human brain can forget pain and sometimes needs a reminder.  Sheesh, I just want to tell off your mother for you!!!  I am picturing a selfish pinched-faced matron with a bowl of milk and Cheerios dumped on her head right now!

Don't get soggy! MP

[Plucky]

Hello Dawning,
I'm one of the new names.  Welcome back.  Like you, I have benefitted enormouslyfrom this board.  Please accept my sympathy for all the horrible things your mother must have inflicted on you when she had you in her power.   Getting away and healing must have been so wonderful!  So wonderful, that you thought you'd try for her approval one last time.  With the support/witnessing of your new man. 

Well, your relationship with your mom was in a coma.  You had to go and wake up the monster.  Don't blame yourself, we all have done it.    You thought maybe since you were healing that she might not be able to strike in your weak spot.  You brought reinforcements.

But alas, the monster had only been storing up strength, in the form of bile and lies and drama.  She still knew where to wound you most.  She tried to force you to turn on your ally.  Divide and conquer, the oldest strategy in the book.

As we learn from the plots of countless B movies, ALWAYS KILL THE MONSTER!

Now that you know this, I trust you have packed your bags, grabbed your gorgeous man, and are on your way back to California or some other lush paradise which is Nmother-free.

Do not stop.  Do not look back.  Do not pass go.  Do not pick up money.  Just get the hell out and never come back.

Any questions?
Plucky

[amethyst]

(((Dawning)))

I hope you and your good man get away from your Nmom asap. Your mom cannot love. The fault is not with you. Your mother knows how to seduce....and then once she has seduced you into being real with her, she turns it around to hurt you.

Once I realized there was nothing I could do to get my parents to love me, I was free. I went to no contact for years. I did have a semi-reconciliation with my mother when she was dying, but by then it didn't matter to me whether she loved me or not.

Amethyst 

[Dawning]

Thanks to the 5 of you who responded.

It has been a little over a month since that crap happened.  All of your advise, sympathy and hugs are very much appreciated.  I am back in my corner of the globe again, thousands of miles away from her.

Of course, she didn't take my SO and I to the airport.  I spent the last day with her - using alot of the strategies I learned in CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED and they worked.  Nevertheless, when the airport shuttle came to pick me up and my SO was already inside, I clapped my hands silently as we headed towards the airport - just the two of us.  And I didn't feel guilty for doing that.

CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED is such a great book.  I re-read it all the time.

Thanks again for your caring responses and sharing your stories too.

Love,
Dawning.

[mum]

Hey, Dawning. Good to hear from you. You sound great. Maybe this little interlude with mommy dearest was designed, like a final exam, to "test your mettle" as my dad would say.
Sounds like you passed.  Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water.....NOPE!!
Glad you are well, and things have settled. Good for you.
Love and light~ Mum

[Hopalong]

At some point, with an NMom, you have to mother yourself enough that you come to realize that the only adult in the relationship is you.

I think you will reach the end of her days in peace. But it's good that you will do that at a distance. You sound strong. I am really glad you are out of reach of her machine gun. And congratulations on finding a good and sensitive man!

Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Dawning

Firstly I have to say well done for putting up with her for 4 days!  The way you describe it is a lot like my ndad and he's been to stay with us a couple of times.  Torture doesn't describe it!!!

Well done also for getting back on the flight intact with your SO.  You are a very strong and brave person and you are not the one with the problem.  I think that's probably the hardest thing to get your head around, that you are not the one with the problem.

As for the guilt, the way I look at it is, why should we feel guilty?  Because they have a mental illness and will do nothing about it?  My ndad thinks that I'm the way I am with him because of guilt because he doesn't understand.  Trouble is it is his guilt and he's just projecting it on me, but then he's frustrated because I don't accept it.

Last time he was over he went out with my husband, his brother and his brother's stepchild.  Me and my SIL met them at the pub afterwards and my ndad then subjected my BIL to his waffle.  OMG, he went on and on and on about himself, but what I really noticed was he kind of segregated him from the group, so my BIL couldn't talk to anyone else and had to listen to him, about his racing days, how he raced the best cars, had the best friends, about how he was bullied as a child.  I felt so embarrassed and sorry for my BIL.  I haven't spoke to him since last February this time and every time he's out of my life I feel relieved.

As for my Mum, because although she's got problems, she's not as bad, I can handle her in small doses.  She's fine as long as me and my husband fit into her world.

Keep smiling and I wish you and your SO every happiness hon

H&H xx

[vunil]

Hi, Dawning--

It really helps me to read your post, and the replies to it.  I have such similar experiences and feelings with my parents, and I can even tell you have the same trapped/muted/guilty/unsure feeling around your mother that goes away when you are not around her-- I can read it in your posts.  I have the same thing.  I think it's obvious but bears saying that your mother would not have liked anyone you brought home.  It is just part of the N supply to be critical-- it doesn't feel normal or satisfying to us, but to them it's fun or necessary.  I get the same thing about all the aspects of my life.  Sometimes I want to scream-- "but isn't it obvious I have a great life?  I am not inferior to you!  Why do you think you know better?" and a couple of times over the years I have, but I agree with others that this won't work because jealousy underlies a lot of the critical response.  So, the better things are for us, the more the criticism.  And the bigger the temptation to mess things up.  I guess in a weird way, it's a compliment