Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Healthy/Healthier Relationship Examples?

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Anonymous:
Do you have movies and/or books you feel depict equilaterally voicefull relationships, win-win types at home and/or work?  

Or do you have an example in your own life?  Specific things that a loved one does or you do or you both do or a boss or a coworker does specifically that speaks of mutual respect and conflict resolution and shared support for growth vs. voicelessness/win-loose power struggles?  A kind of before and after picture...actually just the after picture of what you found in a healthy relationship? Especially specifics and especially any conditions or behaviors or feelings that you hadn't believed in before or were ignorant of all together?  Especailly that you have found now in a long term relationship.  

I am trying to add to the depth and breadth of my view of what is possible and probable to aim for in a relationship and establish more realistic expectations and am looking for some specific examples of manifested behaviors with which to build a vision for future relationships.  For example, Ella recently wrote of the distinction between courtship and seduction.  I would love to hear about examples of courtship behaviors.  I know a lot about what to avoid (I understand more than I ever wanted to regarding seduction)  and am eager to have more of a sense of what I might aim for.  The ability to negotiate is a big item on my new list of what a more healthy relationship entails.  I am not looking for more about what to avoid....got a lot of that.  

I went to see a movie recently that had a little bit of a comparative example regarding relationships: "Something's Got to Give".  There was a lot missing from the movie and there was sexism still and cliches yet I felt really good seeing even a simulated short example of a woman being treated with respect AND tenderness (& strength and vulnerability were shown to be two sides of the same coin not mutually exclusive in a woman!not oil and water after all - ok well at least in the movies).  

I am also reading a book called the Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness.  I like that book because it focuses on positives and describing those positives in terms of specific behaviors not only concepts.  There is an example in that book in the chapter entitled "connection" of a mother who responds lovingly and openly to her son's considering droping out of college to do something like ski.  The guy ends up staying in college and is a now a chemist who may win a nobel prize and he said that if he does and he calls his mom he knows that her response will be along the lines of "and are you happy about that? Do you feel good?".  WOW.  

I don't have a tv though I have rented an HBO show that surpirsed me - I never expected "Sex in the City" to be about friendship.  :shock:  I had just heard so much hoopla over it for years and thought ok, I'll rent it once and because of the title expected little or at worst to find it offensive .  It has many ridiculous and even offensive moments and yet so much of it is actually about friendship between a group of women who are very different in many ways and they work through some of those differences.  It is funny too.  Bonus.

Anyway, anyone care to share some examples?

Anonymous:
That last post was from me, Acappella.

Argusina:
When I was divorcing my husband I was staying with my sister. One evening I was sad and lying in bed (not crying but kind of "down"). My six-year-old nephew (who has been brought up in a very loving atmosphere) came into my room and put his very own teddy bear next to me, without uttering a word. Then he stroked my head and left.

That was, without any doubt, the most loving gesture I have ever experienced.  :cry:  :cry:  :cry:

This little boy still walks in the heavens and his voice is clear and loud. My sister has broken the cycle of abuse!

Hugs from Argusina

Acappella:
From the hearts of babes.  

Please do tell what the "loving" environment in which your nephew is being raised is like.  What do you see happening there that is breaking the cycle  - and/or building another cycle in which empathy and teddy bears are exchanged without fear of scarcity?!

P.S. as a poet and recipient of your nephew's gift who passes along the treasure you too are breaking the cycle and building a better one.  Thanks.

Argusina:
Dear Acappella,

I think one of the things that's different in my nephew's family, is that he is not USED. He is a Child and his parents tend to his needs. He is not used to comfort, support or cheer up his parents. That's why he could give in such a delightful manner. It was not out of fear, or guilt or feeling overly responsible. I think that's why he could leave after he had "comforted" me. It was pure empathy and love in action!

Another thing I've noticed in his family is that all feelings are valid and accepted. Anger and sadness are no less important that happiness. He is belived and seen. His mother will encourage him to have a wide spectrum of feelings and also to express them through various means (dancing, drawing etc)...

Finally, they verbally and with hugs often express how special he is, while at the same time tenderly pointing out what he must work on... Children are not Little Adults, and his family never gets angry when he does things "imperfectly"....

There are many many more traits and my sister has worked so hard to break this cycle with many years of therapy, reading, grieving and self work....

Hugs!

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