Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Healthy/Healthier Relationship Examples?

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Acappella:
Hi Simon,

thanks for posting about your process. I admit I assumed (not consciously) that the list was somehow easy for you.  Not that I thought about it directly but when I considered thinking of some similar rules I felt an internal resistance and moved on to something much more important like, well ah, like cleaning the house or watching paint try.   :shock:  :D

ah, social ecology...when we give to others we are getting too, contributing to the ocean from which we all ultimately drink - meaning as you wrote the list for them you learned about you.  

your list is so complete AND i am going to do an internal review to see what sort of correlate lists I can create for my life...in the work place with friendships etc.

thank you!

Wondering what %:
Maybe I just attract narcissists or notice the behaviors now because I understand the issues so well; however, it seems that most people and families have these issues.  I remember the common sayings from when I was a child (during the 60s) like "children should be seen and not heard".  Many believed (and some still do) that you couldn't "reason" with children which was given as justification for the common use of a belt on them.   Many families pretend everything is fine to the outside world regardless of what is happening.  Children are told they are responsible for making the family look good.  They don't have any rights to feelings or input into decisions.  Passive-aggressive behavior is the norm in families where communication doesn't exist.  Entire extended families are so unaware of their feelings (and others') that even into old age they're still treating each other hatefully.

Simon46:
Wondering:

Yes, yes, and yes!  I agree with what you are saying. I think the majority of families are what we would today call dysfunctional to some degree. But, I know a few that IMO were not. They get along, they like each other, and they respect each other. You can tell the difference. They were raised with a healthy dose of "You are OK as you are." You can mess up and we still love you. Your thoughts and feelings matter. It has chenged their whole life as children and adults. Those of us on this board did not get that.

Acappella:
Wondering%, I have spent a lot of time wondering if "better" was real and finally now, more often than not, I just take the plunge into making an effort in the direction of my ideals regardless of "proof" and am also more often than not pleasantly surprised.  

There are a bazillion humans in the world so how could I be the only one aiming for "better"?  That is proof that for anything we strive towards there are more realized versions than our own in the world because other folks have also been working along similar lines.  It is like some sorta wacky social physics (faith?).  ("wacky" = over my head = physics of any sort)

I agree Simon that there are some healthier families out there because in part I am now one of those healthier people (relative to how I was one, five and 10 years ago) that I wasn't aware existed.  As I aim for each new level I am never sure it exists until I get there and even then I wonder sometimes if I have "arrived".  Often parts of me arrive before other parts - awkward to discover but an entertaining humorous visual later.  Your list (just that you even made one at all Simon) was proof that some folks have a better grasp, are able to articulate, and are putting into practice fuzzy things I intuited must or should be out there but hadn't felt tangibly yet.  

I suppose there is a social evolution process (no matter what one believes about the origin of the universe).  I like to think that we are progressing over all.  For example, we humans did not used to live very long at all and perhaps therefore we were more focused on our after lives than on this one?  We were focused not too long ago on nothing more than basic survival.  One generation's "functional" practices are often the dysfunction of the next.  Context changes and so does what is acceptable.  Perhaps we have the relative luxury now of raising our standards? Perhaps our standards are just different not even better or worse?  Ok I am getting way out into territory best left to non-mortals.   :shock:

I am glad to note that (thanks in large part to discovering this board, & posters like ...well too many to name, my ownposting like crazy, and having a protracted period of unemployment) I am finally too busy living and enjoying doing so to ponder more on this topic.  Perhaps a generation or two from now people will do a lot more pondering still!


XXXOOO  LOL (lots of laughs, love and lettuce?)

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