Life on a rollercoaster, on the down hill with 13 yr old D

[onlyrenting]

Life has its ups and downs today Im just having a sad day.

It appeared things were going ok, then today my D's Cheer teacher called and said she was in trouble for a complaint from the other team they played last week. Her team won and a few of the girls were making remarks so the other team could hear and she was just being rude to have said any remarks. Because she was a team captain they have now made her step down as captain. She is writing a statement to the school and must sit out the next game along with the other girls.

Then I get a call from another teacher her 1st part of a major project was late and she will only get a 70 at the most. I made her quit basketball tryouts so no excuse for not getting her home work done.

Then her friend'S  mom just called me to tell me  my D had said on IM she tried to committ suiside. The message is being e-mailed to me I will read in context what was said.
I hear her talk sometimes about some one she knows from school who claimed he wanted to commit suiside and he cuts himself. I know the kids say things that might not be true. I will feel better after I read the IM she sent.

D always has a smile and teachers say she is a joy to have in their class, I don't know what to think and have
never know her to be the depressive type. She seems happy most of the time.

Im a bit stuned about all of this and had made a phone call to her T, with me getting leagal cusotdy I called her last week and she just returned my call today. I told my D  I would be making her an appointment, but she now doesn't seem real happy about it.

Just wanted to vent ....................

[longtire]

((((((((((((((((OR)))))))))))))))))                        ((((((((((((((((((((OR's D))))))))))))))))))))

OR, it sounds like you've had one shock after another recently.  Hang in there.  You have a lot of people here pulling for you and your D and I'm definitely one of them.  Remember, this WILL pass.  Make sure that you take care of yourself through this so you can be there for your D.  Let your D know that you love her and want the best for her to be happy and healthy.  Keep venting here and let us know as the feelings come and go.

[mum]

(((((((OR))))))):
Boy, I know life can be tough with a 13 year old girl, even under the "easiest" of family circumstances (what that would be like, I'm sure neither one of us know )
You have a level head, and are a good mother.  If she is being called on her behavior at school and elsewhere, it is not the end of the world, and good for you, for not feeling she is incapable of handling the consequences of her actions.  You believe her capable of learning from this experience, and in turn will let her know how strong she can be.
When you get a clearer picture of things, you will know what to do. 

It is never easy....the drama around my 13 year old is just one little "offense" (usually mine) away (and half the time I have no idea what my "offense" is exactly).  This is not to say AT ALL, that you should not be concerned about things you hear. It's just a show of solidarity.....the "rollercoaster" is exactly what this is.  Add a nutball dad to the ride and boy, it's tough.
But you are a remarkable woman and your daughter sees that.  YOU model for her, what strength under adversity is....
Bless you both, OR....sending clarity.
Mum

[Marta]

OR,

It's gotta be tough for her, with the upcoming divorce, talking to the mediator and all that. Then to face this truth about her dad can't be easy either. I hope that you can start counselling for her asap.

The only thing I would suggest you make sure is if somehow your ex is not enginerring and orchetrating all these scenarios by pulling strings with your D. Also, would this behavior have any impact on the custody issues? Could he use it against you for custody?

You sound like such a loving and competent mother, plus your D sounds like a sweet gentle soul, so things will fall in place. Why is she not happy about seeing the therapist? Does she not like T? May be then its time to look for a different one? Or is it that in general she's just being difficult?

Love, Marta

[onlyrenting]

Marta, Mum, Longtire

I wanted to thank you all for your support.
Today I was feeling so sad to think that my D would be that depressed to say she tried to commit suiside.
We talked about this today when we were in the car.
She said she never would try and commit suside, how it would be a great sin. Im still waiting to read the IM her friend said she wrote. My D said she did not say such a thing and has never tried to commit suiside.

I told her how much I loved her and want her to talk to me about what makes her sad. She said she missed her friends in CA and now she made a big mistake in her conduct, and feels bad  to have lost her Cheer Captain title. She said her teacher said she has to aplogise to the team and explain to them why she will no longer be Captain.

I asked her why she didn't want to speak with a T, she thinks she can can do better with her friends.
She liked the young woman she was seeing a few months ago. She called me back but is out of the office until next week. I have called 3 T's and may have her see all of them to find one that fits her.
Next week I should be able to have her in someones office.

I asked her if her dad was sending her e-mails she said it's been weeks since she has even checked.
He continues to send her letters, one mentioned how she would be speaking with a T and make sure she tells the truth. I believe he is being more careful now about what he writes her. The mediator cautioned him not to tell her things about his health. I found some letters after his warning that I want the T to review.
Because I have kept the bad letters from her she doesn't think his letters are a problem.

I felt she opened up a little today, I feel better.
Im using the difficult times  as training tools and teachable moments and try not to make too much of all of it.

Thank you all for your support and advise... OR

[mum]

Hi, OR. I think you know I feel a kinship with you, perhaps because of our 13 year old daughters.

I had a couple of thoughts that may or may not apply, but what the heck, food for thought.
My daughter WILL NOT open up to any therapist. Anyone she has seen, either because I practically forced her, or she chose to go, she has never really talked to. She told me she enjoyed making one of them "sweat, trying to get at me". She won't crack. She says she talks to me, her friends or no one, and that's fine with her. I think she might have an ulcer some day, but she is very tough and to force therapy on her, when it's really her dad and I who have the issues, feels abusive to her....I mean what 13 year old wants to talk to a stranger about crap that, essentially, is not hers......
Plus, it is kind of a waste of time and money , as well as damaging to some extent. It's like she builds the wall higher and stronger the more it's pushed.
I leave it alone, mostly. She talks when she wants, and I let her know that I can only help her so much, as talking to me about her dad, does not really change anything, as he (and the courts) will not listen to me. That her father has rendered her voiceless, is something she will have to face someday, but it will be on her own time. In the mean while, she acts in a theater group and I think part of her amazing ability on stage IS her pain and this is how it will serve her in this life....she has an outlet.

When she screws up, like your daughter did, she will face it down, just as your daughter will. She may cry about it, but to deny her the amazing learning from going through with it, would be like saying " oh, yes, I know you cannot handle anything...let me get you out of it...". well, you know this already OR.

The other thing is that the DRAMA that 13 year old girls create around just about everything can be incredible. My daughter screamed "I hate you" at me for something so ridiculous the other day (like asking her to shut off my computer when she had already done it)....and two hours later was cuddling with me like a small child, all smiles and love.
 I also recall, myself, contemplating ending my life, oh, for about ten minutes when I was that age.  The important thing is, she knows you care, she has you as her emotional rock, so when she swims away into the big sea of teenage drama, she knows she can come back to the rock for safety. 

There is a great book, by a Dr. named Wolf, called "Get out of My LIFE, but first will you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?"
It sounds very irreverent, but it's extremely well written and to the point, about teenagers. He backs it with lots of research but tempers it with humor (obviously).  I would recommend this book to anyone who parents a teenager.

You have shown your daughter amazing things about a woman's power. 13 is confusing for girls and parents.  Stay connected, as you are, when you can, and have faith.  I hope this doesn't sound dismissive, as it's not meant to be at all. My sister was in denial about her 13 year old when she was busted for pot.....thought it was not a big deal, and now that young woman is a full blown addict, in recovery all the time.  So, although no one can know if things would have turned out different for her daughter if she had paid more attention, I think you are not dealing with something so awful, and I'm certain you wouldn't dismiss anything important.

You are concerned enough , I think, and you can trust your good mothering.  She'll be ok with you as a model.

Oh, and one more thing, if you are told advice, consider the source (even me).
I have a friend who is pretty N, and single, and not a parent, who was and is a brilliant person and admits to (it's obvious) having a real B**ch of an N mom....anyway she keeps telling me I MUST see the film "13" because I have a 13 year old daughter and it's a "must see for mothers because your daughter can go down the hole in an instant".  I refuse to put that kind of trash in my brain, or on my radar screen. She says I am in "total denial" and to not see this film (about a girl who gets in with the wrong crowd) is to INSURE the inevitable screw up of my daughter.
And she wonders why my own daughter can't stand her.....she has all the answers for everything.
But considering the source, she also thought "Fight Club" (another I won't see) as the best movie ever made.

OR, you are doing fine....keep it up.