Love you forever

[SurviveAndGrow]

Did any of you ever read the illustrated book 'Love you forever'?

We received it in the mail at some point in the past from our N's.  For no particular
reason, without any indication if it was a gift to anybody in particular, no indication
of a particular sender, ...

...

SurviveAndGrow.

[write]

it's a popular book, and one I've shared with my son and other children...I saw it as an inter-generational thing, illustrating that the people who once take care of us sometimes become later themselves helpless and dependent on our care in turn...

Because of the strangeness of grandparent behaviour in our families I have always tried to find things which to me portray a more 'normal' depiction of unconditional love and emotions. It took years for my childrens' grandparents to want any kind of contact- the slightest thing would send any of them into a huff or a rage, I realise now they couldn't handle anything they saw as a rejection, eg. a child refusing to hug on demand, or having a tantrum, or misbehaving.

But I can see why some people who never felt that care in the first place might be spooked by the book, especially anyone who has had abuse which was sexual or involved inappropriate intrusive behaviours.
I don't think it was written to be that way, but I can't know whether it was sent to you with the intention to upset you.
Only you know what other people on the outside of your family may never have seen or see.

The fact it has upset you and given you questions is something you can work through though, and especially accept that these are your feelings, and valid.

Many things upset me or make me cry, touching on a particular nerve.
I've learned that I can't always explain them fully even to my closest people, for a long time I took them to the therapist;
you can always bring them here.

The hardest thing for me in "love you forever' was the knowledge that not only my parents couldn't possibly do that- but their parents, my childrens' grandparents, and now even my siblings cannot feel a love which puts their babies or anyone before themselves.

I don't expect anyone to take care of me unconditionally when I'm old- but if the kids I influence can love and want to if it were possible ( which it isn't of course ) then that's the hidden message for me, and something which has been missing in my family for a long time. I hope it helps them realise that love is not a control mechanism, or a trap, but that we can love and still have to let go, except in our ideals and our hearts.

[miss piggy]

Hello S&G,

I am sitting here reading this post about this post with a look on my face like I just bit into a lemon.  I am familiar with this book.  Funny, my MIL gave it to us also and it made me feel like a third wheel, let me tell you.  I think it is the most inappropriate example of love between a mother and son I could ever run across.  And not because I am the DIL.  I thought it was just plain weird (sorry, write).  A better book by comparison would be The Giving Tree, despite the fact that the author photo of Shel Silverstein makes him look like an ax murderer. 

I think your ILs are sick if they are lurking outside your bedroom door for crying out loud.  Post a sign saying "seek help now" with the yellow pages open to the appropriate page and cell phone in the hallway.  Jeepers.  If I do that to my kids, I hope I am in the rubber room within 24 hours.  Talk about boundary violations!

MP

[Gail]

It's funny how different books speak to people differently.  I didn't like The Giving Tree because I thought the tree was masochistic and the boy was utterly selfish.  The "boy" had no appreciation for the tree's love, and I think the tree was cut down in the end, so it was destroyed.  (I may not be remembering it correctly.)   I thought it sent a bad message that we ought to give our all to someone even if they treat us terribly. 

[miss piggy]

Hi Gail,

I had that reaction to the Giving Tree on a few readings and other times I thought it was great because the story allowed the boy to grow into a man and have a separate life.  He did seem a little selfish, but he had a girlfriend, so maybe...and the tree, well, it is called the giving tree.    but maybe it was about finding new ways to give (I always felt the tree was a substitute for mother) as the child grew older.  Yes, it does seem like a one way relationship, but at least it was flowing parent to child rather than the other way around.     Having never had a parent who gave freely like that, well........BTW, I was conditioned to give until I was chopped down too and I still liked the story.  Maybe I'm masochistic too?     Just kidding.  I usually identified more with the kid in the story and wanted someone to give to me like that...and permission to be a little selfish.

Thanks for your note on the other thread, too.    MP

[mum]

Hello, Survive and Grow: well, considering your wacked out IL's gave you that book (do I have it right?) I would be creeped out. Actually, just from that example you gave of their behavoir, I would be creeped out by anything they do.
I think both of the books being discussed here have elements of unhealthy dependency in them....yet, altruistically, I doubt that was the intent.
I always felt sorry for the abused tree, and felt a bit of smother/mother in the other one.
But that's my take. I don't like WAY mushy children's books.....I think they were written for adults/by adults dealing with their own crap (oh, wait that's every book ever written!) and not necessarily for the "target" audience.
Survive and Grow: I think your IL's are nuts. Grown ups don't pull that drama, especially as a guest in another's house. Yuck, ewww and barf (to quote a more grown up person I know).

[Plucky]

Il am now intrigued my this book and will have to run out (I mean log on) and get it.   The Giving Tree did always bother me.   I felt so sick for the tree.  It was so doormatty.
Plucky

[miss piggy]

Ay Ay yi, 

I take it back!  Pleas-ease-ease, let me take it all baaaack!  I give up on the Giving Tree!  Giving Tree, Schmiving Tree.  Uncle, uncle!

Heidi, Bambi, Goodnight Moon, um, Love You This Much, The Little Engine That Could, Peter Rabbit, uh, uh, gasp!

yours truly, Dumbo.

[Chicken]

I don't like WAY mushy children's books.....I think they were written for adults/by adults dealing with their own crap

I agree.

Just tell the story, and let us give it our own emotional meaning.  I hate being spoon fed emotion. 

[mum]

Ay Ay yi, 

I take it back!  Pleas-ease-ease, let me take it all baaaack!  I give up on the Giving Tree!  Giving Tree, Schmiving Tree.  Uncle, uncle!

Heidi, Bambi, Goodnight Moon, um, Love You This Much, The Little Engine That Could, Peter Rabbit, uh, uh, gasp!

yours truly, Dumbo.

Miss Piggy: you CRACK ME UP!!! Thanks for the laugh!  Seriously, though, just so you know, I've read all of the above to my kids....sans the editorializing!!!  They still haven't killed anyone and so far, seem fairly normal