Really confused!!!

[Healing&Hopeful]

I was looking at th3
website that bio dad posts on... this is his most recent post....

"Anyone who has had teenage kids will know this. In 1992, my daughter
who was then 16 asked to come and live with me.....she did for 6
months. One night when she was about to leave and asked where she was
going, the answer was "Out".

Well that's where I am going "

Well, apart from the fact that I was 17 when I went to live with him is
by the by.... but I can't remember this at all. I'm really scared
because I really don't have any knowledge of this.  Not even a vague recollection somewhere in the back of my mind. Is he re-writing
history or maybe I was a rebel child after all?

[spyralle]

Hi Healing,

I'm not up to scratch on all your story, but I will say this.  I have a daughter who is now twenty...  if I had a pound for every time she has given me that answer to the very same question I would be a very rich woman now.  Maybe you have no memory of it because actually he is making a big deal out of something that is extremely normal and happens in households where there are teenagers on an hourly basis.

Teenagers are generally rebellious.  That is what makes them teenagers....  they are stroppy and selfish and generally angry at nothing....  he needs to get over himself...

Spyralle xxxxxxxxxxx

Oh by the way...  My daughter is now a beautiful, caring and sensitive young woman...

[mum]

Hi, healing: maybe I am missing something too, but I agree with Spyralle> um, what's his point? Teenagers are always like this. Who remembers this stuff?  And if he's making it up, will it effect you now in any way?
He must have a pretty boring life. What an N.  He's probably just tring to sound like a dad in the know, like he's such an in touch kind of guy....yeh, rewriting HIStory.  Can you just say "Whatever..........(and add a few nasty names)"?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Mum & Spyralle

Thanks for your responses.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this but from what I remember I was really shy, meek and mild.  I suppose I thought if something like this happened I would remember it, but I don't, not even a vague recollection.  All I can think is that maybe I said it once after an argument, but I wasn't your standard teenager.  I didn't have major strops because I hadn't been allowed to show emotions for so long.  I would spend more time in my room reading than anything else.  This is why I find it really hard to get my head round.  It's bizarre but it just doesn't sound like something I'd do.

Mum, you say who remembers this stuff?  Well, because my memory is so patchy, I don't know if it is the norm to remember this kind of stuff or not.  And it is kind of effecting me because if I didn't do this, then why tell his mates that I did.  Why lie?

I don't understand why this has bothered me, but it has.

H&H xx

[mum]

It bothered you because you are a kind person, who would not fabricate things for jollies. And because, if you were a shy kid, it smacks of his not even knowing you, but acting cavalierly as if he did.  That is sad. He is not a nice person and has probably made this up to be "cool' (in whatever circles this is "cool" must be pathetic, I would imagine). Whatever the case, chalk it up to his N ness....they always lie.
And,,,, I'm sorry, I get why it would hurt. Stupid jerk.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thanks Mum

This one comment made me feel exactly like a child again, questioning myself, doubting.  It's like I've got this image of how I think I was as a child, and this was so far away from it that it totally threw me and then I doubt everything and think well, maybe I was like this and I can't remember, and how much other stuff can I not remember.  Maybe the whole memory of my childhood is distorted.

[DifferentDrummer]

Hi H&H,
I see how this can be very disturbing.  I too have very patchy memories of my childhood but I would never believe it either if someone had said I had made a comment like that (though in retrospect it would have been totally refreshing and liberating).  I suspect it is his memory which is blurred, however -he has probably gotten the impression from external media that this is what teenagers do, since he doesn't really know what teenagers ldo, so he was waiting for you to say something like this.  I think he would tell this story irrespective of reality and irrespective of what you had actually said past, present, or future because this is the expectation he has programmed into his head.  It is very frustrating, though, because when you can't actually remember the way things were (besides a few traumatic events) you are dependent on family lore, which is so often twisted.  His impression of reality is his problem, however.
DD

[Sela]

Hiya H&H:

Well, apart from the fact that I was 17 when I went to live with him...

You were 17 when you went to live with him, right?  But he told his cyber friends that you were 16.

Was this a lie?  Or is he losing it?  Is his memory less accurate than yours?  It's a possibility.

Or.......he is just making stuff up so as to sound something close to normal.  Maybe others are talking about some of the trials they've had raising their children and good old pop wants to fit in, so he creates trials?  Rewriting history......just as you might guess....to look like a "normal" parent with "normal" trials????

I think your own perceptions are reliable.  If you don't remember......after racking your brain like this.......it probably didn't happen.  Trust your own head because it's not out to twist reality.  It wants the truth.

May I ask, why do you go and look at the website where your biodad posts?

How is this helping you?

If you feel like answering.  If not...that's ok. 

Sela

[stayhuman]

Hey Healing,

I can understand why this would bother you. It seems like he has treated you badly in the past (assuming he is a N) and now he is off posting about how hard done by he was. Almost like he is transferring the blame to you right?

I agree with the others about the specifics of what he said-I do not really understand what he is trying to get at. (I used to say the same thing to my parents when I was a teenager when they asked me where I was going). Regardless if your memeory of this issue is or is not distorted, it seems like he is doing a typical N thing-transferring blame onto you. The fact that he is doing it with such a stupid story just proves he doesn't have a good grasp of reality in the first place.

 

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thank you so much for your responses.  I was worried about posting something that is really trivial, but made such a large impact on me.  I think you're right StayHuman about the blame... my daughter did this so I'm saying the same thing but it's ok because my daughter did it.... and he does seem to really like to blame me.  Earlier this year he said in an email and I quote "When I visited, I thought things were now ok between us. I was very wrong of course. Because of this I also mistakenly thought you may like to right a few of the wrongs that has befallen me in the past. However I do now realise how this will appear to some, and how you think you were being reasonable."  The above post was in reply to someone asking where he was going last night and completely off the topic of conversation, but that's quite usual with him.  Thanks for also saying that you think he doesn't have a good grasp on reality in the first place.  Because of being an only child with him, I have no one to gauge stuff he says against.  When we were emailing, I did once show a couple of his e-mails to a friend of mine who didn't know him to get another reaction.  He then told me he showed all my emails to a couple of people and they couldn't understand my reaction at all and totally agreed with him.  If I question anything at all, the response is "I always tell the truth"... and then he spouts some story about when he was 8 and lied about breaking the birdtable he got spanked for lying.

Sela... regarding my age, well he always gets that wrong.  Earlier this year in one of his emails he said that he never had these kind of problems with his grandparents and he lived next to them for 26 years which was almost as old as me (I was 29 at the time and I'm 30 now).  The last time he came round he said to me "Oh you're looking a lot better because you were looking a bit haggered a few years ago" and then looked at me really expectantly so I said "Thank you" taking it as a kind of compliment and he got this really satisfied look on his face.  I said to hubby afterwards, well, if he thought I was only 25 it's not surprising I was looking a bit haggered and we laughed about it.  To be entirely honest I'm not sure why I check the website... I tell myself it's to check that he's still alive as he doesn't have anyone else, but in all fairness it's probably because I'm not ready to let go and leave him to it.  My whole mindset has always been about him, is he ok etc etc, so I guess I'm still in that.  How does it help me?  Well that's a question and a half.  My husband thinks I shouldn't bother and should leave him to stew in his own juices.  I suppose I can only say it helps me because I know he's ok.  It's like with the e-mails he used to send... I haven't deleted them.

DD... thank you for understanding and thank you for pointing out it is his problem.  This has been a huge help as because I'm blamed so much, I lose the grasp on reality sometimes what is his responsibility and what is mine.

H&H xx

[Sela]

Hi again H&H:

...and we laughed about it.

Good!  Keep doing that!  If you can laugh at his silliness......at least you won't be crying.

....in all fairness it's probably because I'm not ready to let go and leave him to it.

Thankyou for answering.  It's good that you are aware of this.  I did a similar thing, years ago, when my father was still alive.  I used to call his residence, every once in awhile, to make sure he was still alive (or so I told myself).  When I think about it now.....maybe I called also.....to make sure I knew where he was and to maintain some control about being able to contact him/stay away from him.  After all, if I didn't know where he was.....I would have to let go completely and I guess I wasn't ready to do that either plus I might have worried that he was near me.  It seems weird to me now......wanting to keep a connection with someone who abused me so much.  I don't know really why that was?  Ofcourse.......I was afraid of him, so maybe I needed to know that he was at least an hour away???  Hearing his voice....when he answered the phone......always sent shivers up my spine and evoked some really strong feelings.

I suppose I can only say it helps me because I know he's ok.

As long as you're ok.......that's ok.  If reading his junk upsets you.....maybe you could check...less often??
Or get your hubby to check?  Wish I had thought of asking someone else to do that for me.  I might have avoided a few unpleasant feelings that way.  That's for you to decide ofcourse.

Sela

[miss piggy]

Hello H&H,

I could really relate to your post.  My Ndad told me in my late twenties that I was incredibly "willful".  I stared in amazement because to my mind, I was so obedient to such strict parents, my few friends had to convince me it was OK to go to dances, parties, sleep over, go to the beach, etc.  Thank God I had these few friends.  They never criticized my parents or tried to tell me what they saw going on, that's how brainwashed I was.  My mother, too, snickers when my teen years are mentioned.  Honestly, I was the most invisible teen at our high school.  Quiet, shy, a very good student.  But to their mind, I was such a problem--because I existed, you know?  I was so alien in my own family.

Only now with adult ears can I hear the craziness of my Ndad and Nbrother.  My Nbrother just related the story of how he moved in with a friend (in reality to save rent) to do the friend a favor by paying him (the friend) rent instead of paying rent to someone else.  My Nbrother is addicted to anger and couldn't understand why this friend didn't act totally grateful for this opportunity to take someone in and put up with their demands so they could save rent.    I was speechless because I knew he truly felt this way.  My Ndad goes off on how blacks, chinese, and latinos have nothing on the cubans (who vote republican BTW) and the abuse they (the cubans) have suffered in this country...wtf???   

You are probably bothered to know that your dad is out there making up a lot of BS about you.  Just remember, these people don't know you probably and it doesn't matter.  He's just doing his thing and it really doesn't have anything to do with you and your life now, does it?  I think I might limit contact who tells me I looked like crap the last time he saw me.  That's just plain uncalled for.  He may also jealous of you simply being younger than him.  At least, my Ndad has this particular problem.  Jeez.  Poor dad.

It is truly shocking when you realize that truth can go into someone's ears & eyes and come out their mouth completely scrambled.  And more shocking when it's your own parent who is supposed to "teach you well".  I'm glad you are laughing.  Keep laughing.    

ciao, MP

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya again

Sela... I probably check once a day.  I did try a while ago to delete it from my favs, but I ended up just searching it again and putting it back in there.  It's too easy for me to check if you know what I mean... a quick look while I'm on the internet.  I don't really want to rope hubby in too much with my screwed up family.

MP... I can relate to everything you said... especially about how he goes on about the blacks, chinese etc.  With my dad it's about money... about people who get new stuff.  And I know what you mean about it being shocking, the truth going in and coming out scrambled.  This is a post that he posted today and I have heard this so many times you wouldn't believe!! 

"In reading the posts of Canal World forum and Yachting and Boating World forum, it has struck me how my opinion differs from many, yet here I seem to agree with most of what has been said.

I think to some degree, it is because the cost of DCs (Normans etc) are only a few thousands, instead of tens of thousands. This is not meant to be a money issue i.e. rich against poor. Just people with more money to spend have different values, or rather value different things.

I am not in 'the real world'. I have never been in 'the real world'. Nor do I wish to be in 'the real world'. One where people spend their lives travelling to places they don't want to be, doing something they don't want to do, at a time they don't want to be there, to get money they don't want, to buy things they don't need. They borrow money, to buy a car, to go to work, to wear out the car, to buy another.

And people say I'm the one in the wrong.......sorry, but I'm not.

Anyway, it's propably why I agree with more of the opinions written on here than at other places."

It's very bizarre... he went on and on about having a bad back, coccyx issue, degenerative disc in his lumber spine... you know change it to suit himself with whoever he's telling and because he can't tell you whats wrong or that what he does tell you changes, I asked to speak to his doctor.  You know what, I have trust issues because I should believe him.  He hasn't worked for over 10 years now because of his back apparently, however doctors couldn't find anything wrong.  Then he let slip that the doctor spoke in depth about his beliefs and thoughts and that he thought they exaggerated to keep him on the sick.  Because of not working, he has very little money but because he can manage, then everyone else should be same.

Incidently, I bought a new car a couple of years ago, on credit which is paid off next year.... I also work full time and have holidays.  You have to laugh, don't you?

[Chicken]

H&H

Go with your own feelings about this.  Go with your instincts.  It sounds to me like he is playing a role on that website, trying to fit in, trying to belong. 

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya again

He has had a reply with someone agreeing to part of what he said... and then replied that this guy should be careful as he could be locked up in an asylum for agreeing with him and put a ROFL.

I have a dilema that I wonder what to do about... Like I have said previously, being the only child of his, I have been very much on my own with this (no siblings, his sister cut contact and his dad cut contact, so I really do not actually have anyone to ask) and although people have said he's odd, being odd necessarily doesn't mean that you have a mental illness.  I have a few things that I copied and pasted from his e-mails, so that if I start to feel sorry for him, I read these and it stops me from contacting him.  I also have a few bits that were my responses to him.  I have been wondering whether to post these on here because it would be helpful to me to gauge the reactions from people who have dealt with this kind of thing.  Even counsellors that I've spoke to have said they cannot diagnose over e-mail when I was trying to find help for him.  I have the problem though that I know if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be very happy if he had posted stuff I'd sent him in an e-mail... but then I know he would never find out this as he doesn't see that he has any kind of problem.  The other thing is this would leave me very open and vunerable.  I keep feeling very confused and having problems letting go.  The other night I was watching TV about a man who's Mum was dying and I actually starting crying.  I sobbed for about half an hour which anyone who read the "Can you or do you cry" post, will know this is a huge thing.

What do you think?  Would it be helpful if I posted some of this?  Would anyone feel uncomfortable with it?