Just Need Some encouragement

[dhodg]

I just found this page tonight.  I (30 years old) am the codependent and my wife (34 yr. old) is the NP.  Most of the people I work with think I am the luckiest, happiest, most easy going person they know.  Right now I am so sad, lonely and can barely finish this post.   For my own health I want to leave her so bad, but I feel like I can not because of our 1 and 3 year old.  I love my kids so much.  I spend so much time with them and I absolutely dread the thought of having them grow up with divorced parents.  No matter what I do it is never good enough.  Finally tonight after going two months just trying to get through the day I told her that I felt awful and about as bad emotionally as I ever have.  With my face in my hands I told Her I really needed her to just be nice to me.  Her response to me was that I need to pull my self together.  She said that I need to try being nice to her.  Yesterday I bought her a bouquet of flowers.  My wife has been in rehab twice for a 3 year addiction to pain medicine.  She has lied to me and stole money from me.  I have all of these moral convictions about divorce and don’t want to hurt my children.  My wife goes to group sessions every night and get to see a counselor twice a week.  I go to work and come home to the children week after week.  I no longer have many friends and I have lost a good part of my relationship with my family who only live a few miles away.  I am so sad.  I am very much against “cheating” on a spouse but at age 30 I can’t imagine not having a healthy emotional relationship with a female.  I am so sad.  I have never written or really talked about this – even with our couples therapist.  I don’t talk to old friends because I hate my situation so much.  I need some   encouragement so bad.  .I am sorry that I sound like this.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya dhodg

And welcome to the board.... I am the same age as you.

Don't be sorry for sounding like you do.... you have every right to feel like you do and I bet most of us here can relate to how you feel.  I also guess that you don't talk to anyone partly because you feel ashamed, but I can say honestly, hand on heart, you have nothing to be ashamed of.  This is not your fault.

I would advise that you do talk to someone, whether it be a family member, friend, GP or counsellor.  I can see from your post how much you care for you children.  I am also a child of divorced parents (I was 3 when they divorced).  My bio dad is the one with NPD, though Mum has very much narcisstic traits, she is not as bad as him.  She remarried when I was 5, and my stepdad is a lovely man, although he never stands up to Mum.

What is best for your children?  To stay in an unhealthy relationship.... what would that teach them in the long run?  My advice would also be don't do anything rash at the moment... maybe you can see a solicitor and find out your options, and the options for getting custody of your children to start with?  Arm yourself with information.

Take care and keep posting.

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

So sorry Dhodg,

Someone here posted recently about research showing kids can grow up non-N if they have one healthy parent.

One N plus one heartbroken, crushed, depressed and despairing parent wasn't the idea...

It is SO painful, your realization. But you do have it. Please, get yourself to a compassionate supportive therapist (and brisk, protective lawyer). Do those things.

You can collapse and let it all out with the T, and get started coping with the meaning of your feelings. You will surive this, as will your children. First, if you're depressed you may need some Rx for that (kicks in in about 4-6 weeks). Then talking things through starting--now--with a therapist.

You will find your way to what to do. And as you heal your own life, in whatever form that healing takes, you willl offer your children a whole, stronger father who can teach them many things they need to know...not just love and adore them, but demonstrate for them how to live through change.

Just free-associating on your dime, here, but I hope it helps.
Keep posting...that will.

Hopalong

[Marta]

Hi Dhdog,

The best gift my dad could have given me was to have divorced my mom and taken me with him. Unfortunately that didn't happen. So don't worry about your kids, there can be no fate worst for them than to be trapped with a severely disordered N mom under the same roof.

When you first think of leaving Ns, so many fears crop up. Partly, this fear and dependence is their legacy to us. Work on yourself slowly, very slowly, think of gettting a therapist for support. DOn't feel sorry about how you sound, I and most others on this board have sounded so frustrated and hurt at some point in our lives.

Take care, Marta

[daylily]

Hi dhodg:

Please get yourself some help.  That could take many forms--talking to a therapist, talking to a clergyman about divorce, talking to an old friend.  It could also take the form of not talking at all, but doing something that you have denied yourself for a while, such as working out, playing a sport, or going to a movie.

My point is that you can't be an effective parent if your life is getting you so far down.  Whatever else is going on, your kids need you.  You've got to take care of yourself so you can take care of them.  If that involves finding a sitter or reaching out to your family for some help, then so be it.

It seems quite possible that your wife has made your lives all about her and her (admittedly significant) problems, and that won't do.  It might be more helpful to ask her for specific behaviors or actions than to ask her to be nice to you.  What would it take to make your life more bearable?  Is it possible that she can give you that?  If not, can you get it without her?  And if not--if what's really the trouble is HER--can you get help sorting out your tangled emotions about leaving?

Please don't dismiss the idea of caring for yourself.  Sometimes it's very hard to do, but it's essential to being a healthy person--and I think a healthy parent, too.

best,
daylily

[mudpuppy]

Hi dhodg,

You really need to spill your guts to somebody about all this. Most importantly because if you don't you're liable to make a very bad choice.
When you just run over this stuff in your own head again and again you can begin to see things that aren't there and not see things that are. You need a semi independent third party to help you sort out your options and what is really going on. Whether its a pastor, therapist or friend probably doesn't matter as much as its someone whose judgement you trust.

You can get advice here, but its necessarily pretty limited in its knowledge of your situation. So take it with a healthy grain of salt. A board like this is helpful for support and just tossing ideas around, but for something like your situation make sure you consult with some wise flesh and blood people in your life.
Your old friends will understand if you open up to them, and so will your family if they're not a bunch of flaming Ns themselves. Don't let fear of being shamed keep you from seeking help from the people who care the most about you.

mud

[HeathMcFar]

Hi dhodg.  Your story sounds SO familiar.  My husband went through much of the same while married to his ex, right down to the drug abuse.  He left her when their children were 1 and 3, and she got custody.  Most N's are really good at putting on a normal, pleasant, well-adjusted face and lying to ANY one to get their way.

My advice to you is to visit www.deltabravo.net where there is a wealth of information that you can use.  It's mainly for non-custodial parents, but it gives tons of tips on what to do BEFORE you get a divorce, as well as a message board you should look through. 

Going to the doctor for your own depression is a good idea, too.  There may be an anti-depressant you can take for a little while to help reset your brain chemistry.  Living with, and being abused by, an N for so long takes its toll on people mentally AND physically.  I've heard it compared to post-traumatic stress disorder.

And you're not crazy, you're exhausted.  You're doing everything and being everybody in your marriage (wife, husband, mother, father, housekeeper, doctor, chauffeur, etc.)  You're getting no support whatsoever.  But therapy is a great idea, just for you, to maybe help you learn some coping techniques you'll need whether you stay married to this woman or not.

Most important:  take your time.  Learn as much as you can about your chances of gaining custody.  Get your emotions straightened out as best possible.  Research attorneys in your area to find the best for divorce/custody litigation.  Reconnect with your family; you'll need their support.

Hang in there!!!!!

-Heather

[miss piggy]

Hello D,

A big hug and a welcome to you.

You know, just telling us you have two toddlers in the house is enough to get you several hugs from me.  It's hard!  All the diapers and cereal on the floor, laundry, crazy schedules AND a job?  Wow.  Been there.  At least that part is temporary.

It sounds as though you are a single parent of three.  Although it's way more complicated because one of the "kids" is pretending to be an adult.  I am encouraged to hear that you both at least acknowledge that there are issues to be addressed.  So score one in the health column. 

It also sounds as though you do have a support system in place.  So use it.     Tell them how you are feeling.  Tell them what you want and/or need.  The addict's needs are not more worthy of attention.  You should be allowed to state your needs and have them met.  This isn't a matter of one set of needs "winning out" over another's.  You both deserve love and attention (as do your kids).  Agree with folks above that you may not get your emotional needs met by your wife.  EG if you need a night off, and your wife is not up to watching the kids, can you get a reliable babysitter? 

Divorce is not the only solution.  Although if your wife is abusing the kids that's another story.  Perhaps it would help to take a "mental health" day off from work when kids are elsewhere, go to a coffee shop, write out your needs and goals and possible solutions.  Don't think in terms of what it should be like, but what will work in your particular situation.  Get it out of your head and look at it from the outside a little. 

Hope this helps a little.  Take care, MP

[dhodg]

When I woke up today my wife messed with our usual schedule sitter so I could not go to therapy. When I called her she said to bad, that I could work something out. I told her that I think we need to separate, that this is not healthy. She asked when could I get my stuff packed up. While at home a few minutes ago she called asking me when I could be gone, she said "I don't want the kids to see you packing." This is the same person who yesterday left her one year old in soaked diapers in bed for a couple of hours yesterday until her mom came over and got him. I called our family therapist to cancel and told him what was going on. He is also one of her addiction therapist. He just rescheduled for Friday but did not tell me I should stay and wait. He tried to be supportive and said he is not disagreeing with my assessment of the situation. She wants me to leave the house with the kids here so she can play the victim of an abandoned spouse. I know legally I should stay and try and get separated from her, but emotionally I cannot do that. This is tearring me apart. She finds it so easy to be mean spirited and I just cannot do that. I am fixing to go pick my daughter up from mothers day out. I am scared that when I see her I will not be able to go through with it. This really stinks.

Thankyou for responding to my post.

[LostSurvivor]

I feel so bad for your situation. I recently joined to get some direction in dealing with my nHusband who is getting worse with emotional and verbal abuse as time goes on and this sounds familiar. You are right in facing this now, for the sake of your children. I have made an appointment with a support group for emotionally abusive situations, finally. I am hoping that I actually go as I have never been to a support group before and have know idea what to expect. I may get too apprehensiive and cancel. For me it's been enormously difficult coming to terms with what he is and also taking action. I read somewhere that Ns follow a cycle of abusive behavior where they are tolerable for a while, then it starts all over again. This is the hardest part for me in dealing with him; the epsiodes of emotional abuse followed by calm for a while. As I'm just starting this phase, I have no specific advice, but I understand and encourage you in this terrible situation.

[Sallying Forth]

Hi dhodg,
So sorry you are going through such horrible circumstances.

Do get to a therapist. I would recommend someone who is NOT also seeing your wife as N's have a tendency to twist every bit of truth. They can even get "under the therapist's skin" and the therapist may not even know it is happening. And they will use therapy as a weapon.

Also from what you have described about your feelings and deep sadness you might want to see a doctor about antidepressants. They can help you get through this trying and stressful transition especially if you are exhausted, tired and profoundly sad.

If you can, purchase and read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Although it focuses on abusive men it applies to any abuser. Lundy's information is invaluable. Abusers despise the man because of his informative and groundbreaking book. Also read Dr. Irene's website, http://www.drirene.com from top to bottom and sideways. Excellent information on how to get your power back and stand strong.

Keep reading and posting here.

((((((((((((((dhodg))))))))))))) Gentle hugs

[Plucky]

Hi dhodg.
Please know that you are not to blame for your situation.  There are many good, intelligent people who find themselves in similar straits.   You have tried for so long to make it work that you now feel almost too depleted to do anything about it. 

Coming to this board and talking to your T are good steps that can provide you with the hope and energy to start to dig out of your hole.  You know that the children need to stay with you.  Don't even consider leaving them with her.  If you do it once, you may face a long battle to get them back.

I know it may seem  too tiring to face, but start to document everything she does, especially with the children.  You can do that be writing yourself an email, or just posting here.   That way you will not have to worry about losing the children.   Try to take over the sitter communication or organise something she does not know about, so she cannot sabotage you.  And I agree that you might need a separate T. 

It probably looks overwhelming to face such a major life change, so just look at each detail on its own.    First take over organising the sitter, so you can go to appointments when you want to.  Then start documenting.  Just do that much.  Then look for a new T, or convince your T to drop her.

I am wishing you strength and I know things will work out for you. 

Plucky

[dhodg]

thank you for the responses.  I did come home today at 3:30pm, and hung out with the kids and sitter until 9:00pm, them put my 3 year old down and went to bed.  My wife was asleep from 4-7pm then went shopping and to AA so I didn't really have to see her.  This is her normal pattern.  If I could truly realizes that she is a N then gather the strength and motivation to get through this.  I came home after I had a really good cry - first one in almost two years.  The inner pain I have had for the last two days has finally subsided.  Let me say this real quit; I was sitting there today all sad and depressed, like if I fell into a step ditch I would rather lay there then crawl out and I knew I need something to make me feel either better or worse, because no matter what situation I thought about between my wife and I there was no anger in me, just sadness.  Sometime about noon I decided to call her at work with just an open ended, "do you want to talk about things."  She just wanted to know when I was going to finish getting my stuff out.  This helped me to accept the loss of her emotionally and cry about it and then go home to take back control of my life.

I lot of you recommended seeing a doc about depressants and I did that a year ago.  I will make an appointment to adjust them. 

I am going to call the sitter service tommorrow so I can at least not have that situation again.  I will also stay in the house, she is not around that much anyway, and go talk to a lawyer next week.

Also I am going to start doing social stuff with other people.  For to long I have been isolating myself.

I read all of your responses and appreciate the concern and advise, thanks again.

[Hop as guest]

HI Dhog,
Hope you won't boil down the advice to just changing your Rx dose.
It think THERAPY, the talking kind, week after week...is equally important for you now, if not even moreso.

Just the pills aren't enough in some situations.
Hope you'll go in for real, extended, supportive counseling.

Hopalong