How to let go? Very very long....

[Chicken]

Hey H&H,

What do you achieve by reading his web rants? 

It seems like it's luring you in and you don't want that!  I really don't think it's good for you to be reading his tripe.  It's not real.  It's his perception.  It's not even that in some cases, it's all a show or something, either way, I don't think it helps you in your goal to let go. 

It's obvious you have so many questions that need answering, and so many unresolved issues with him, but those posts on that website are not going to give you the answers you are looking for!  You aren't able to defend yourself in this situation!    He is able to rant and bullshit his way through these online posts...  there he is having his freedom of speech and re-writing history and you are there voiceless and unable to protest.  Why do you insist in putting yourself in that position?  It seems like you are recreating this atmosphere you grew up in?  It's obvious it is not making you happy...You deserve more than this.  xx

[Healing&Hopeful]

Wow... thank you for being so honest with me.  Gosh.  To be honest I actually thought I was just pondering his words, however.... errrmmmm yes.  I will reply more indepth once I've really thought about your questions... however in response to your post Selkie, I have one more question

It's obvious you have so many questions that need answering, and so many unresolved issues with him

How?  How do I get my questions answered?  Patient confidentiality means the doctor's can't talk to me, counsellor's think I should let it go, there's no other family or siblings I can talk to.  Sorry I know this sounds incredibly negative.

[Plucky]

How?  How do I get my questions answered?  Patient confidentiality means the doctor's can't talk to me, counsellor's think I should let it go, there's no other family or siblings I can talk to.  Sorry I know this sounds incredibly negative.

Hi H&H,
thanks for the hug.  I needed one!

I know you want answers.  But your NBD cannot provide them,  You can wade through his swamp for the rest of his life and yours.  You will never, ever find the answers that way.

He most likely has no idea why he behaves the way he does.  You think he is intellligent.  I think he can't reason his way out of a paper bag.   Everything you read from his web of lies (cute pun, huh?) just creates more questions, not answers.  Do you feel any more resolved since you found that cesspool?  I rest my case.  Don't go in any further.  You could drown.

The answers you are looking for will come from talking to people who have been through a like experience before, either personally or vicariously, such as an N survivor or a therapist.  Some are both.

Don't apologise for your feelings and desires.  I think Selkie's comment was brilliant.  You are collaborating with NBD to recreate a situation of voicelessness as you had when a child, and you think that you can find your way out this time.   If this is pride, then let it go.   If you are just stuck, stop and free yourself.

Plucky 

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thank you (((((((((((((((((((((((((Sela)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Selkie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) and (((((((((((((((((((((((Plucky))))))))))))))))) for taking time to reply.

Sela, I will always try and answer your questions... if you can take the time to ask me a question, the least I can do is take the time to reply to it.

What do you care?

I'm not sure why I care but I do.... for some stupid reason I do care.  I do care that he is lonely and hurting.  I am well aware that he is not thinking the same thing about me, instead he is sat there blaming and grudging, but I also care that he thinks it's all my fault, I care that he doesn't take personal responsibility, even though I know there is nothing I can do about it.

What's in it for you, do you think, reading that website? 
What do you achieve by reading his web rants?

I do get some comfort knowing that no one has replied to him.  Because no one has actually said "Yes, he has a mental illness, he has whatever", this is one question which has been answered on here, by this post, and I still don't think I have fully accepted it.  I think the only thing I achieve is proving to myself that it is him, he is the one with the problem.  Reading his weblies can prove this to me again and again.  I also think there is alot of truth with what Hoppy said earlier about delaying the grieving period, and looking at the website does delay this.  However really I know that Nothing is in it for me and I achieve Nothing by reading, just delaying my own healing....but nothing was in it for me when I was in contact.  However when I think about not reading, I feel quite scared.  Also I kind of think I have some control.... I worry that if something happens to him I won't know... if it's something serious and he's in a coma or something, will the doctor's still call me?  And would I want them to?  Does anyone still get in touch with you if they are unable to speak for themselves?

You aren't able to defend yourself in this situation!     He is able to rant and bullshit his way through these online posts...  there he is having his freedom of speech and re-writing history and you are there voiceless and unable to protest.  Why do you insist in putting yourself in that position?  It seems like you are recreating this atmosphere you grew up in?  It's obvious it is not making you happy...You deserve more than this.  xx


I'm very impressed with how you saw this Selkie.  Because I have been continually wrong and it's always been about him, I am still very much in that mentality if you know what I mean.  His needs first and then mine and I do 100% agree with you.  I think on a subconscious level, this is exactly what I've been doing, recreating this atmosphere.  I think it's also because it's what's always happened so I kind of feel safe as well which could be my reason for putting myself in that position.

Plucky, I didn't really explain the intelligent comment very well.  He is very intelligent, however he is also emotionally very immature.  This is a weird combination.  You are right he doesn't have any idea why he behaves the way he does.  He knows he is different, but doesn't know why and if you try and explain why, he goes straight into blaming mode which is part of the problem in the first place and then he is always right.  He's like a hurt child, but without the emotional intelligence to learn to correct that hurt and find ways to resolve problems.

I don't think it's pride that I can't let go... I wouldn't class myself as a very proud person.  Yes I am stuck, but I am also scared.  What am I scared of?  Well that's another question that I don't know the answer to yet.

[Hopalong]

((((((((H & H))))))))))))))
I know in relating to my Nparent, I'm often like a well trained pooch. Even though I rationally, up-in-the-head, know so many good reasons to draw fiercer boundaries to protect myself, I'm also reflexively concerned about her wellbeing. It's very hard to cut that out of myself. She bleats so loudly for attention that I can no longer hear my own little exhausted grunts. I find myself foggily going into hypervigilance about how she feels, because she's always trumpeting alarms and bulletins and emergency-sounding calls to action (like, in a voice that ought to be announcing an anthrax attack, "I dropped my earrings!!!"). Meanwhile, I've dropped my work or my attempt to relax to leap under her bed to hunt for them like a trained ferret. Telling her NO, or LATER, often feels like harder work than just doing it.

Sorry, hijacked (inner N spot, damn)....

I wanted to say that I understand, I think, the fear about stopping your monitoring of him. And the worries about how will you know if something happens. For one thing, hypervigilance about this disturbed, never-to-get-better and never-to-truly-father-you father is part of your identity. A big part. And if you begin to substitute other things for that hyperattention to him, there will be a stillness in you that you might confuse with emptiness, and that might be really scary. I think I really understand this, from a different setting, but I think I recognize a lot of what you feel.

I have a book to suggest, enthusiastically. When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. Other folks here have mentioned her too... I don't think the theology of it is important but the insights, the walking-through-that-fear to the other side...is really remarkable. It's kind of an experiential book that I think might be really helpful to you, in what you're experiencing, right now.

I think about compassion, since that's a big value for me (and clearly for you). Somewhere, I feel I get tripped up. I wonder if you also feel that frustration between: what is reasonable compassion one might offer a parent, even an N parent....and what is proper detachment?

I think the fear you mention makes a lot of sense...and I think you really, really are facing the question of what would your life be like if you faced that fear and got free of it.

This is a brave challenge. I can understand why it's not as simple as one day you do it as usual, and one day you stop. But I think you're bravely examining it, and chipping away at it. I really do believe it is beginning to loosen its grip on you.

Kudos, kind one. I'd much rather keep rambling than get back to work, but it's time for me to face that again too. I will be cheering though!
Hopalong

[Sela]

Thanks again for the hugs H&H.

1.  Wonder if another thing might be to look at it as kind of like trying to break an annoying habit?

It sounds like you want to detach but are just finding it soooo difficult (like breaking any habit).  Often changing behaviour (breaking a habit) comes about in little steps.  If it were possible for you to consider taking wee tiny steps and making small changes......things might not seem so drastic.

For instance......at first......let's say you read this website daily......maybe you could skip one day??
Maybe you would keep reading for a couple of days and then try to skip reading one more day?
After awhile........you find you're only reading every second day?  Then every third?  Then weekly?
Pretty soon.......it just doesn't seem necessary to read there much at all?

2.  Also......another idea that might help........what if you were to think of this as temporary?
If you don't read for a day and you find you feel ok afterward, fine.....but if you feel totally freaked...you can go back to reading every day, until you work more on changing your thinking...and getting to a point where you can comfortably skip a day?  (as an example pretending you read the thing daily).  You could decide to stop reading for awhile.........and possibly resume......later.......if you so choose.

3.  Another thought.........moving away from reading this web site does not mean giving up your feelings of caring.  You can still care about this man without confusing yourself by reading his mixed up postings.  You don't have to stop caring ever.  But it is your responsibility to look after you and if reading this stuff is upsetting you, interefering in your life at all, or messing you up in any way.....then maybe it is something you could decide to work on changing?

As to worrying about him becoming deathly ill and you not knowing about it......I understand that worry but my question to myself (when I was worrying about the same thing) was:

If I can't share his life.........why am I so concerned about sharing his death?

I had no contact with my father for 11 years but the hospital managed to contact me when the end was near.  If it is meant to be.......so it will go.

I could only pray for him and take care of me, the rest of the time.   

Sela

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((((Hoppy))))))))))))) hon, I know what you mean about you Nmum.  One thing I always say about mine is "Why do something calmly and rationally when you can flap about it for a few hours beforehand" (note the sarcasm) )  I will check out the book you recommend.  And of course.... a parent is part of you, like if your in a relationship for a long time with a boyfriend, it is hard to let go, you feel scared etc, so I guess this is a similiar kind of thing.

One thing I have to say I'm really beginning to see from the website is what it is... all it is for him is N-supply.  If people don't answer one post, he will just post another with something about him.  All it is, is like an attention seeking child.

(((((((((((((((Sela)))))))))))))) hon, you are right... it is a habit.... but I don't know if now I'm beginning to see his posts for what they are, then it may be easier.  One plus thing is that we go on holiday in just over a week for two weeks so I won't have any access to the internet.  Maybe I will look when I get back, maybe I won't but I am going to try when I come back to say "I deserve better" and to change my way of thinking.

Very interesting question.... if I can't share his life.... why am I so concerned about sharing his death?  For me this would be closure I think.

Take care all

H&H xx

[Sela]

Hiya H&H:

Hey!  So glad to hear you're going on holidays soon!!  Hope you will have a fantastic time!!

I am going to try when I come back to say "I deserve better" and to change my way of thinking.

You do deserve better!  Sounds like a good plan.  Take care of you H&H.  Good for you!

Very interesting question.... if I can't share his life.... why am I so concerned about sharing his death?  For me this would be closure I think.

Closure.........how do you mean?  (if you feel like saying).

Would you visit him on his death bed, do you think, and hope to connect with him, finally, before he goes?  Would you agonize over whether or not to visit him?
Would you just be glad that he's finally on his death bed?  (maybe not nice but.....hey.......depending the amount of abuse a person has sustained.......understandable).

For me........none of that happened (except maybe a little of the last one......because I was glad he could no longer hurt anyone).  But there was no contact.   I made decisions in the background.   It felt weird and I was confused when he died.  Very strange....like I should be sad for him going but I wasn't.  How can you mourn the loss of someone you never had a connection with in the first place?  I was sad for the father I could have had, the one I didn't lose ......more for my own loss of living my whole life without a connection with my father, than anything truly involving him.   I think I might have been willing to visit too.......because I was curious about a possibility of him owning his behaviour, or trying to connect with me.......but the nurse told me, on the phone, that she had said to him:

"Sela's Father!  You have two daughters and a son!"

and his response was:  "And I don't want to see any of them!!!  It's none of your business!"

AS IFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.............................

we had done some wrong to HIM and deserved to be banished!!!!!!!!!!!!

I felt embarassed and insulted........shamed.... when the nurse told me that.  I didn't know what to say to her.  I just said:

"Ok then."

"Why do something calmly and rationally when you can flap about it for a few hours beforehand" (note the sarcasm)

Well........they say sarcasm is passive agression and maybe it is......but sometimes, it is funny.

Like when someone would ask:  "Where's the milk?"

And my mother would answer:  "It's in the oven!"

  Sela

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((((((((((Sela))))))))))))))))))))))  I am so sorry to hear of how your father behaved on his death bed.  It's appalling but it wasn't your fault and there was no reason for you to be embarrassed or ashamed.  It was his problem.

By closure.... I mean to say goodbye.  The last thing I have said to him is "Have a nice life" so this would mean I could say goodbye for good.

I would see him on his death bed, but not to try and connect with him.  There is no way I can connect with him, however his dad refused to see him on his death bed.  This hurt him a great deal and because he has no emotional personal responsibility for anything, he doesn't make decisions.  I think he will just whinge and blame and complain about the problem until you make a decision.... and then he will go along with whatever decision you made because it's all your fault and there's nothing he can do about it.  Make any sense?  There is also the possibility that he could decide to be like his dad and choose not to see me in which case it would be his decision.  At the end of the day, whatever happens, I do think I will still be the one clearing his house out and sorting out his affairs because there isn't anybody else.

Going back to his dad it was weird.  He didn't have much contact with his dad and then no contact for the last two years because his dad decided to cut contact and not see him again (however this is only what he's told me so we don't know how true things are).  However he went to his dad's funeral (as did I, I felt such a fake because I didn't know the man), he cried like a baby, loudy sobbing, big streams of snot hanging from his nose.  I just remember feeling embarrassed.... and it was then that I found out he had a sister.  No mention of her beforehand.

Yes, a part of me would be glad, glad that he's not hurting anymore, not wondering why he's different and coming to irrational conclusions.

H&H xx

[Portia]

Dear H&H, you and your Pa remind me of me and my mother. So here’s a load of my projections on to what you’ve said. Can I just say quickly.... (((Plucky))) (((Sela))) (thanks for the PMs).

You are not responsible for him. He chooses to be the way he is. It’s his choice.

Why do you want to change his choice? He doesn’t appear to want help or advice to me. He seems to know himself what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.

In fact knowing what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ seems to very important to him. I have no idea whether he has a mental illness. Perhaps being a complete bigot could be classified as an illness? Being a spoilt, manipulative adult who uses his daughter for his own selfish needs – maybe that’s an illness? Does it matter what label we apply to him?

Whatever he does or thinks is his responsibility. Nothing he does or thinks is your fault or your responsibility. Nothing!

Is he the one with the problem? He might be getting some sick, warped needs met….does he have a problem? What exactly is the problem….how would you define it? (Please think about it. Write it. Be as precise as you can.)

If you stop reading his website: if he had died yesterday – how would you feel? What are you afraid of?

Also I kind of think I have some control.... I worry that if something happens to him I won't know... if it's something serious and he's in a coma or something, will the doctor's still call me?  And would I want them to?

 

Maybe you harbour a deep and understandable human wish that he will turn to you on his deathbed and look at you with a love you’ve been waiting for all your life. He’ll say what you want to hear “I’m sorry, please forgive me for hurting you, I love you” and you’ll be able to accept his love and forgive him. You can try this now, in your head, but in reality........
Would this be the grieving you might need to help you separate from him? He doesn’t have to die for you to grieve the relationship that never was – and never will be. It’s not fair and it’s all by chance; it’s not our fault that some of us were born into families where there wasn’t any love, or not enough love. It was just unlucky. Grieving is necessary.

He's like a hurt child, but without the emotional intelligence to learn to correct that hurt and find ways to resolve problems.

You’re probably correct. But he’s an adult and he’s your parent. You’re not his parent. He was supposed to nurture, protect, love you and give you the confidence and independence to leave him to pursue your own happiness. I’m very very sorry that he was unable to be a Dad to you. He’s simply unable. There’s no right or wrong here, it’s just the way it is and it won’t change. Nothing you could do would change him.

But you do have the power to change your own mind. You have a great mind!

I feel for you H&H. What you’re trying to do must be one of the most difficult things in the world to do. I believe everyone must find their own way to do it. Books might help on an intellectual level. And if the rational part of your brain starts to believe something, it might help the emotional part. Grieving is all emotional: it’s not logical, it can’t be planned, it can’t be hurried along and you can’t make yourself do it. But that hurt, confused, unloved, manipulated little girl inside you needs to get soooo angry with her Dad before she can grieve the love never given.

You burden nobody by posting your stuff. You have every right to speak and be heard. You are a lovable, very intelligent (IQ) and empathetic (EQ) woman. Were you too hard on him? Do I think you did the right thing? I want to know where your father gets off making his daughter feel responsible for him. Maybe he thinks you’re his mother? Whatever.

Anyway, did you say this? “Letting go of your sense of over responsibility for others.”

Way to go H&H! You know it, but knowing isn’t feeling. Feeling is very difficult, or at least I have found it so.

(By the way, nobody dies if they don’t honour their mother or/and father. I’m living proof.)

Take care of yourself. You deserve lots of care. And love. (((H&H)))

[Moira]

Dear dear Healing and Hopeful! You are right on in my opinion. What I read from his responses is so typical of Ns. He is abusnve and manipulative. He has clear choices and he is CHOOSING(operative word) not to excercise them. In no way your fault and responsibilty. Again, so typical of Ns! You don't owe him anything. Hang in there and keep posting. I so admire your courage and strength. I know it's so difficult , but please believe in yourself and make use of all your healthy and supportive friends etc. Hugs and prayers for you, Moira

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thank you very much for replying (((((((((((((Portia))))))))))) ((((((((((((((((Moira))))))))))))

I didn't really see it as changing his choice, I think I was just trying to get him to see where I was coming from, why I believe what I do.  I thought more along the lines of he can think and believe what he wants, if he would allow me to think and believe what I want.

Regarding a label... in some respects yes it does matter.  If you know whats wrong with a person you can read up about it, find out why the person is the way they are, why their responses are like they are, find out if there is anything you can do about it, and mainly find out that the problem is them and not you.  I'm not the one with trust issues, I'm not the one who should believe what he believes just because I'm his daughter and I'm not the one being disrespectful.  I never asked for his or Mum's love and I never asked for them to be there for me.  All I ask is that they respect my choices, my beliefs and my values and one better would be to be happy for me.  Mum can do this to a certain extent and at least she doesn't berate me for my choices.  I do believe they love me in their own way, it's just different from mine.

Regarding the problem, that can change daily.  I don't think I can define exactly what the problem is...

Is the problem that he has NPD and is unable/unwilling to do anything about it?
Is the problem that he is just a git?
Is the problem that I don't accept him as he is?
Is the problem that if I was more caring/kind/helpful then I would be able to do something about it?
Is the problem just me, that I'm a cow?



If he'd died yesterday, how would I feel?  I find it so difficult to put myself in this mindset that I just don't know.  Sad I think would be my main feeling.  I do believe that life is too short and you should make the most of it... I do believe that life is too short for fallouts/disagreements and I do believe that you can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself and your reactions.
What am I afraid of?  I suppose deep deep down I am afraid of him dying thinking so badly of me.... thinking what a horrible, uncaring daughter I am for disowning him.  I am not under any illusion that he will suddenly turn on his deathbed and said "I'm sorry, please forgive me for hurting you, I love you"  I cannot even imagine him saying this in my head, I am well away this will not happen.  But I do think I've put up with him for years, so if I can't put up (yes you read that right, put up, not liked, not enjoyed his company, not loved) with him on his deathbed then that would make me a very poor individual.

Sometimes I do feel so angry with him... I feel so angry that if I saw him I would just go crazy and pummel his face with my fists.  I am very careful as well not to take this anger out on my husband.  Most of the time it works but I'm not perfect.  I release my anger by singing at the top of my voice along to the radio in the car, I release it by screaming sometimes, in the car down the lane.   Sometimes I just feel sorry for him and sometimes I just feel sorry for me.

It really does help me to hear that I did do the right thing.

Thanks for listening to me again....

H&H xx

[Portia]

Hiya H&H. Some more questions for you.

he can think and believe what he wants, if he would allow me to think and believe what I want.

Is he stopping you thinking and believing what you want? Very serious question.

All I ask is that they respect my choices, my beliefs and my values
This would be good but it may not be possible with your Dad. You may have to accept that he won’t do that.

Is the problem just me, that I'm a cow?I don’t think so! No!

Is the problem that if I was more caring/kind/helpful then I would be able to do something about it? Do something about what? If you were different......he'd change?

Is the problem that he has NPD and is unable/unwilling to do anything about it?
Is the problem that he is just a git?
Look at it this way, if the ‘problem’ was that he had purple eyes, what could you do? Get an eye transplant for him, or coloured contacts? Suppose he didn’t think having purple eyes was a problem?....that’s simply how different people view everyday reality.

One way to look at the problem is to ask the people around you that know him: “Do you think my Dad has a problem?” Seriously. What do other people think? And why do you think differently, if you do....

Is the problem that I don't accept him as he is? You can’t change him, you know that. So what are the alternatives?

what a horrible, uncaring daughter I am for disowning him
Maybe this is what you secretly think about yourself? You seem to have been conditioned into thinking that you’re responsible for him. And he’s done that to you. That’s called abuse when parents use their children for their own needs. Parents do a great job when they respect, love and help their children. Does he respect you? Does he help you? Has he cared for you, cuddled you, let you cry on his shoulder, protected you, defended you……all those ‘normal’ things a loving parent does without ever expecting anything, anything in return. Parents do do these things. Some parents don’t use their kids. When you’ve been used, that’s difficult to believe. I didn't used to believe it.

You’re obviously not horrible, uncaring or disowning. Quite the opposite: you maybe care too much. That sounds odd? Duty and obligation are not love. Parents who train their kids to obey them, to follow rules, to think this way, to behave that way – that’s not love. It’s training. It’s okay to say you ‘put up’ with him. And you deserve a medal! I kind of agree about ‘putting up with’ on his deathbed. That’s one thing you could do for him, be there. But everything else? You don’t owe him, you’re not obligated even if HE thinks so. You’re both adults and you disagree. That’s what adults do. REAL adults talk about disagreements and agree to disagree but I doubt your Dad could do that.

When you get angry, if you could say just one thing to him right then, what would it be? “Dad………..”

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((((((((Portia))))))))))))))))  I do appreciate you taking time to ask me questions and give me your perspective.  It is really helpful.... thank you!

he can think and believe what he wants, if he would allow me to think and believe what I want.

Is he stopping you thinking and believing what you want? Very serious question.

Ahhh yes.... there is no way he can stop me thinking and believing what I want to believe.  He can moan and groan and gripe about how it doesn't tally in with his, but he can't stop me believing in my own choices and values.  I have the choice to agree with his, or disagree and keep with my own thoughts.  When he was going on about God giving the world to the devil and that my beliefs were wrong, I tried to picture what it was like to believe this.  I was watching the news and it is such a depressive belief.  It takes away people's control over their actions, that everything is pre-determined (not sure if that's the right word or not!).  I snapped straight out of it because it felt so horrendous.

Is the problem that if I was more caring/kind/helpful then I would be able to do something about it? Do something about what? If you were different......he'd change?

When I sent the last e-mail in April I thought that the only way we could have a relationship was if I became him... however over the coming months self doubts have crept in and I wondered if I was too hasty and didn't try enough.  At the end of the day though this comes down to he would need to change which is something that will never happen.

One way to look at the problem is to ask the people around you that know him: “Do you think my Dad has a problem?” Seriously. What do other people think? And why do you think differently, if you do....

I haven't asked people do you think my dad has a problem, but I have asked What do you think of him?

My husband thinks he's weird, but he always tolerated him because of me.
Mum hates him with a passion, and always has done a long as I can remember.  However for years when I was growing up she hated me with the same passion so maybe that's not a reliable source.
My stepdad dealt with him, however only because Mum wouldn't.  I'm not sure what he actually thinks of him.
One of his boating friends thinks he's good boating company, however he did say he can be a difficult person to know, let alone be related to.
My brother in law (who's met him once) thought he was odd but an ok guy.
The neighbours (who are good friends of hours!) thought he was ok (again who he's met once) and asked me last weekend why he wasn't at our wedding.
My friend from home who was there when I left Mum's and also came over, thinks that he is just an oddball.  She said for him to say that the dog had a fallen woman for a mother means that there obviously isn't something right there!

And they're the only people I can ask, his other friends he's kept well away from me (if they actually exist... may sound odd, but on one boating website he did sign in under an anonymous name, although he was a member himself, and start posting about how his friend had a boat (which was actually him and his boat) and being his own biggest cheerleader, then couldn't understand why they barred him from the website!) and his family is me!  I think this is possibly why I feel so obligated and responsible.  All through my growing up, his dad didn't like him or such and such had happened, you know the poor me, I'm such a victim attitude... it would make sense that even as a child without anyone else telling me differently, I tried to compensate for this.

I don't necessarily think differently to them about him, but I think it may be that I don't trust my own mind so don't trust my reaction.  Take a quiz night I went to recently... I knew the answer to a question so I hesitantly said it, however I still asked my husband who said I was right.


Is the problem that I don't accept him as he is? You can’t change him, you know that. So what are the alternatives?
So maybe I do already accept him deep down as I know he's not going to change?... however because I've been told so often that I don't accept him, I believe it instead of believing myself.  Sound feasible?


Does he respect you?   Eerrrrm... No, because if he did then he would respect my opinions instead of just thinking I should copy his, making me feel that mine aren't worth anything.
Does he help you?  He has done once.  When I went through a bad time in 1999, I really wanted to go to New Zealand for the millenium.  In the April time he lent me the flight money and I paid him back in monthly payments til the December.  However if it wasn't for him lending me the money, I wouldn't have been able to go because the flights would have either gone up in price or been fully booked.  Also he classes that because he let me live with him, he helped me then.
Has he cared for you?  Depends what you mean by cared.  If it's come and picked me up every other Saturday and let me live with him when I left Mum's then yes, but it's been sparadic care.
Has he cuddled you?  Not cuddled, however he did like me to hug him.  Never felt very comfortable though... these great big hugs where he'd hold on for a few minutes... makes me cringe just thinking about it. In fact I don't feel very comfortable anyone hugging me apart from my husband.  He is the only person I feel 100% comfortable with hugging.  Luckily he hugs me lots.
Has he let me cry on his shoulder?  I don't think so... not that I can remember anyway.
Has he protected you?  I think this would have to be a no.  I remember when I was about 6, the night before I was due to go there was a house fire across the road.  The house was a complete burnt out shell.  Three children that I used to play with died in that fire.  Dad picked me up as normal and then I remember we were stood by the window with a mate of his, watching all the comings and goings.  Also when I was 17, he used to try and set me up on dates with his mates.
Has he defended you?  Errmmm not sure about this one either.... I remember him and my mum and stepdad having massive arguments on the doorstep to their home but who was defending who, I really can't remember.


When you get angry, if you could say just one thing to him right then, what would it be?

“DAD……….. GET OUT OF MY HEAD/FACE/SPACE WHATEVER!!!!”

[Sela]

Hi H&H:

Thankyou for the hugs (you too P!!  Great to see you posting!! )

I am so sorry to hear of how your father behaved on his death bed.  It's appalling but it wasn't your fault and there was no reason for you to be embarrassed or ashamed.  It was his problem.

Thankyou for thils.  Ofcourse it wasn't my fault but......the nurse didn't know that.  I guess I left out the tone she reported this to me in, which was derogatory, and yep...there was no reason for me to feel embarrassed or feel ashamed except that tone....seemed to generate those feelings in me (but it didn't last......I soon recovered ).

The thing is.......I fail in the speak up and say it how it really is to strangers game.  First...such an exchange gives me the message that I have done something wrong and yikes.......guilt creeps in....even when I know I haven't.    I don't feel like explaining.  I don't want to explain to anyone who uses a judgemental tone like that because some alarm goes off inside me that says:  "This person isn't looking for the truth.  They just believe what they hear."  I guess I truly can't be bothered and I feel like it's an invasion to have to.

I hear their judgement loud and clear but it doesn't stop the guilt.  Maybe I need a new microchip for my guilt button??

“DAD……….. GET OUT OF MY HEAD/FACE/SPACE WHATEVER!!!!”

Ya know.......this is helping me.  Thankyou. 

"Stupid judgemental non-fact-seeking silly nurse..........GET OUT OF MY HEAD/FACE/SPACE WHATEVER!!!"

Hey H&H!  It's only a microchip but it carries a powerful message.  If I can only remember to think.......this type of thing.........first.........I bet my guilt button won't go off so easily.

Maybe you will never say this loud and clear to him....but you can always think it!

  Sela