conversation with father

[write]

well I did call dad, we had a pleasant enough talk.
It is pretty much all about him though: if I mention something about my life it's quickly countered with something about his, there was a really weird thread where I started describing my dog and he was simultaneously talking about his...

Questions about my life are not open but ones where he wants a simple answer- preferably one word! so we can get back to talking about him.

And though it was really upbeat for us, when I end the call there's still this sense of 'sad little boy' wanting something more.
He did that all our childhood- there was always this unspoken message that we weren't giving him something and were letting him down.

But I felt fine after the call, glad I made it, equally glad it does not make me feel like a rejected child or annoyed any more.

Time for lunch!

[Sela]

Hi Write:

This sounds like progress:

...I felt fine after the call, glad I made it, equally glad it does not make me feel like a rejected child or annoyed any more.

Good for you!  You're applying "the technique" very well!!! (I was just thinking ......it's like some special, secret technique that has to be developed....the ability to converse or....mostly listen and nod.....without taking the total lack of receprication personally).

I felt sad and rejected just reading what you wrote (...it reserected feelings from similar conversations with similar types in my life ....conversations that occur regularly).

Really need to work on my technique.

  Sela

[write]

I used to come away each time feeling so empty, I seem to have accepted him as the weak selfish individual who wasn't able to parent, even forgiven him, but I no longer try to elicit his approval or love in any way. I truly don't care what he thinks, and probably wouldn't feel too much either way if we never spoke again. As far as I'm concerned as a father he blew it; if he wants any adult relationship he can behave like an adult...

Funny, how they get those little barbs in regardless though.
I am so pleased with the progress with ex-N-h and how we've managed to work through tons of stuff, and keep the family together whilst living apart, my dad said 'it's not very normal, is it?'!

No it's not...not for our family!

[write]

ps sorry you're feeling sad Sela (((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Chance]

My dad became ill before I had a chance to touch base with him after an angry exchange a few months back.  We are both too stubborn.  Now I worry I won't ever get the chance.  Even though it works both ways, you will never regret reaching out.

The key is learning to forgive the weaknesses, and accept them as they are.  I heard someone once say treat them like your next door neighbor, polite, but remote... not seeking advice, etc.

Chance

[Sela]

Hiya Write:

Thankyou for the hug.  The sadness I was feeling was just fleeting....didn't last at all.

It is sad that such people are so unable to function/relate that alllllll they can do is yap about themselves.
It is also sad to be made small and feel ignored/unheard by their non-interest in us.

But.......ultimately....it is really not worth getting upset about.  Afterall..it's a symptom eh?

Glad you're holding out through all the tough stuff right now Write.  It can't be easy.  Good for you for working through so much with your ex.  So much better than battling it out.  Better for all!  Good for you!

Hi Chance:

Welcome.  Sorry to hear that your dad is ill.  It sounds like you feel guilty about the angry exchange you had with your dad.

May I ask?  Were you the only angry one in the exchange?
Do you hope he also feels guilty?  Do you need him to appologise or will you hold this exchange against him for all eternity?

No need to answer if you don't feel like it.  It's just that I noticed you wrote that you are both stubborn and I am also wondering a few more things:

If he said some things in anger that were hurtful......do you forgive him now? (I bet you do).

So....is he as forgiving as you?  Do you honestly think he's holding whatever words went between you as his final verdict against you?  Or is it possible.....that he would have forgiven you too and not be holding a grudge?

I don't know him or you so I'm just wondering and please feel no pressure to answer anything.  It's just stuff to think about.

Also:  Have you visited him since he's been ill?  Have you expressed your feelings to him?

They say that hearing is the last sense to go.....so why not do so....if you feel like it?

If you did express your feelings to him.....would you be seeking anything?  Forgiveness?  Acceptance?
Would you likely get it?

IMO, if he is a loving parent......you don't even need to ask.  Loving parents forgive their children for not being perfect.  Loving parents do not end relationships because of angry exchanges and they do not write their kids off over such things.

If he is not willing to do forgive......as a parent.........why do you as a child.......have to go seeking what he will not give?  Will it help you......especially if he rejects you?  Will you regret asking?

Are you being stubborn with yourself?  Taking all the blame?  Holding all the responsibility for the exchange?

Ok....enough questions.  ((((((((((((((((((Chance))))))))))))))))))))

  Sela