Hi j_stice,
As someone who has been married to 2 n men, the most recent for 24 years and 2 children, been through the devastating break-up, including infidelity and many other issues, and am now 2 1/2 years later in a very happy and healthy relationship, I would say:
1. Get yourself healthy in whatever way possible. For me it required weekly therapy for 2 years, but now I am down to monthly. Early on, I also needed some pretty strong meds, but I am long over that.
2. Find out why you are susceptible to relationships with unhealthy people. That took a lot of work on my part--very painful, but necessary to the whole equation. There is probably some buried pain from your childhood that needs to be uncovered and healed before you can truly be healthy.
3. Many times my therapist told me that in order to attract a healthy individual, I had to be healthy myself. I needed to stop looking for some man to "complete me" and instead find someone to complement me and give me a partner to share a life with--not another child to raise, but not until I was ready for it.
4. I found some new activities to be involved with and a way to make some new friends of both genders. It gave me a chance to be friendly with members of the opposite sex without any romantic involvements. It helped to rebuild my confidence and to find out that I could do things on my own without a man on my arm. I also learned how to be alone and enjoy my own company.
When I first started considering the idea of dating again, I was so afraid of never being able to trust again--or to trust my own instincts. With a lot of help from my therapist, those fears are nearly nonexistent now because I have the tools within myself to discern the personalities of those I am meeting. It was not true even a year ago, but I have come a long way since then. I set very strong guidelines for any person I would involve myself with and did not compromise when it came time to consider getting closer to someone. Since I have found someone who meets all my expectations, I could not be more happy than I am right now.
I hope that helps a little.
Brigid