Moving on after the breakup to go out and enjoy yourself

[j_stice]

Has anyone got any ideas on how to deal with the anxiety, fear, nervousness and / or frustration as you try to start going out again and socialising?

[Plucky]

Hi Justice,
I don't know the answer.  All I can say is don't force yourself to go too fast.   Do push yourself in a healthy direction, but feel free to retreat if it is not working.
Good luck and courage
Plucky

[mudpuppy]

I've got one idea. Stay the heck away from women for awhile. You're judgement may be a little clouded by that last harpy. There are plenty of decent women out there, but you can't tell who's who while you're still breathing the exhaust from her broomstick.

mud

[mia]

but you can't tell who's who while you're still breathing the exhaust from her broomstick.

mud

 

[j_stice]

Hey mia and mudpuppy,

The exhaust from her boomstick is a little harsh I mean she hasn't completely run over my emotionally, I thought the smoke from her potions and poison might better reflect my attitude. None the less, I was talking about having more female friends around me rather than taking the relationship sorta stuff on.

Thanks for your advise I appreciate it!

[mum]

HI! Might be different for men....N's can smell lonliness and desperation a mile away, like blood in the water to a shark. Take it slow, don't try too hard.  Get to like being alone. I wish I had done that!

[j_stice]

Hi mum,

I actually think it is exactly the same for men but the difference being that female Ns are a little more in tune with finding them and attaching themselves to those suffering loneliness. The problem that I think I need to ask is are there ways to clearly identify not just the Ns but those females with a PD early enough to prevent what has happened to me from repeating itself?

[Brigid]

Hi j_stice,
As someone who has been married to 2 n men, the most recent for 24 years and 2 children, been through the devastating break-up, including infidelity and many other issues, and am now 2 1/2 years later in a very happy and healthy relationship, I would say:

1.  Get yourself healthy in whatever way possible.  For me it required weekly therapy for 2 years, but now I am down to monthly.  Early on, I also needed some pretty strong meds, but I am long over that.

2.  Find out why you are susceptible to relationships with unhealthy people.  That took a lot of work on my part--very painful, but necessary to the whole equation.  There is probably some buried pain from your childhood that needs to be uncovered and healed before you can truly be healthy.

3.  Many times my therapist told me that in order to attract a healthy individual, I had to be healthy myself.  I needed to stop looking for some man to "complete me" and instead find someone to complement me and give me a partner to share a life with--not another child to raise, but not until I was ready for it.

4.  I found some new activities to be involved with and a way to make some new friends of both genders.  It gave me a chance to be friendly with members of the opposite sex without any romantic involvements.  It helped to rebuild my confidence and to find out that I could do things on my own without a man on my arm.  I also learned how to be alone and enjoy my own company.

When I first started considering the idea of dating again, I was so afraid of never being able to trust again--or to trust my own instincts.  With a lot of help from my therapist, those fears are nearly nonexistent now because I have the tools within myself to discern the personalities of those I am meeting.  It was not true even a year ago, but I have come a long way since then.  I set very strong guidelines for any person I would involve myself with and did not compromise when it came time to consider getting closer to someone.  Since I have found someone who meets all my expectations, I could not be more happy than I am right now.

I hope that helps a little.

Brigid

   

[write]

I've taken two years out where I don't want to date.

Partially because ex-h/ family need time for us all to settle down, but mostly because I can see a long past pattern of unhealthy relating and I'm worried as soon as I like ( or want to like ) someone I'll turn into my old self...and put up with all kinds of crap!

That said I've joined a book(reading)club, started a new business and I joined a social organisation where people go out just to socialise, not date. I sing with a large choir, but haven't found a suitable church after I left the last one. I'm with a Brits group, and meet them occasionally.

I have quite a good time when I choose to go out; mostly though I still need to just be home, peaceful and taking care of myself.

Good luck!

[j_stice]

Hi Brigid and write,

Thanks you ideas having given me something to think about and act on. I appreciate it, I think that the problem that I have had is that the anxiety I have had from dealing with the past has caused me to be a little cautious!

You have given me something to think about and work on!

Thanks again

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya j_stice

Sorry for the late reply... I feel the other's have given some sound advice here! 

Have you thought about going to the doctor's to get something for the anxiety?  Maybe they can give you something to solve the immediate anxiety, and then possibly join a class for one night a week.  I would advise to start slowly and don't push yourself to hard.  Sometimes we have to push ourselves a little to get over that first hurdle and give it a whirl... nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Take care

H&H xx

[j_stice]

HI H&H,

Well first night out after the long road to recovery, not rushing into a relationship and trying to socialise and make new friends and I hit the mothership. She (my ex-g/f N) walks in takes her spot in her group and looks around then starts with the "he's stalking me crap." Jeez what a great start, she continues with this for a while and it got bad enough to draw my attention to it.

Fortunately I had already been there a while and was talking to a couple of the regulars and had some other people semi-supportive around me.  Her friends cottoned on to her and told her that since I was there first, I couldn't have known. I was sort of happy and upset about it because now I know what to avoid! She left shortly afterwards. So I guess it was a victory of sorts for me, I saw the true N personality, my team won and I survived a tough night out!

Oh well, I guess it won't get any worse!

[j_stice]

Hey,

This is probably my last post before I leave to Europe, a couple weeks in London then who knows where. Thanks I will take your advice and use it!

j_stice