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A Who in Grinchville? Lost in lostville is where I am.

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Guest - CC:
Hi Acappella,

Just a quick note today, but wanted to acknowledge your post.  I heard so much pain and frustration in your post, and I really feel for you.  We all are there at different points in this journey.  Don't be discouraged dear, your pain is only a healthy part of the process.  

I know I've felt depressed and hopeless like you do, and the next day is always better.  There is hope, and there are good people and good relationships.  

I have a good, solid, fairly healthy relationship with my husband - but admittedly it is not what I would put in a textbook of "fullfilling and voiceful exchanges".  We struggle sometimes, and though overall my husband is thoughtful, supportive and understanding - he is also impatient, psychologically unaware (which perhaps is not such a bad thing! sometimes I envy this) and does the typical male "well if there's a problem we'll just fix it" kind of response sometimes when I come to him with something I want to just discuss (sorry guys, no offense).  But the important thing is, his attitude is such that he is always willing to work harder and for us to be better together.  We've been together happily "working" at this for almost ten years, and still attracted to each other like the first day we met.  Neither of us were very healthy when we met.. but with therapy, book reading and communication.. every year we are better!  In my opinion, this is all you can ask for.

I think to be hopeful of better and healthier relationships is the way to go.. but on the side of caution... no one is perfect, and so if you are seeking real life examples of what an ideal healthy relationship should be I think you may be setting your sights on a false reality.  We all have to work toward it, but even if the "healthiest" person out there says they have a perfect relationship, I think they are lying!

It is good to have high expectations Acappella, and you should. You should definitely lose a full blown narcissist if they are holding you back in life.  But perhaps before we can find those new relationships, we need to focus on ourselves and our outlook and our day to day activities and what we can change.  The rest will come automatically.

Try to find some kind of support group in your area to start - or if you don't like structure, make a couple of new friends..  It sounds like you are surrounded with a lot of unhealthy people.. maybe you just need a little more balance to keep your perspective.  I believe that you have been working so hard you will naturally be more drawn to healthier girlfriends. And if you meet someone new that has red flags, you will recognize it very quickly and remove yourself.  That new job that you are thinking about may provide some opportunities.

Many of the "caregivers" in my life (my massage therapist, my PHD, and my kinesiologist) belong to a non denominational church (not the same one, just by coincidence in different communities).  This is a place that I think a lot of people like us have chosen to go to network for new people in their lives (people in recovery from their dysfunctional pasts).

If you didn't like medication to give you that jump start.. you might explore that kinesiology that I have mentioned before - all natural and no side effects but raises your seratonin.  Works for me.

Keep the faith, sister!

Things will get better soon - take care , CC

Acappella:
Hi CC,

thank you.  


--- Quote ---Neither of us were very healthy when we met.. but with therapy, book reading and communication.. every year we are better! In my opinion, this is all you can ask for.
--- End quote ---
 That is all i'd hoped and worked for - growing while being in the relationship.  


--- Quote ---no one is perfect, and so if you are seeking real life examples of what an ideal healthy relationship should be I think you may be setting your sights on a false reality
--- End quote ---
 I don't think I am asking for ideal.  Was it something I said?  Just better than the ones that we are seeking refuge from here...the one I am seeking refuge from here.....

All I see are red flags.  That is the problem.  A couple of guys have chatted with me at a cafe I go to and no way am I interested no matter how excellent they may seem to me AND I notice red flags.  Same with potential female friends - except I'd like female friends...I mean the same with those darned flags.  Besides my messed up life will likely be a red flag to others so.....arrrrg. I notice red flags all over the place...nothing but.  I am seeking examples of green flags.    We write here so much about sucky relations to get clear so why not about better (better not ideal) ones too?

I wrote more specifics in the "gift of voicefull relations" post.  

I do like structure (yet if I were an alcoholic the AA sort of structure I've heard about would seem so rigid to me.  I have been looking for support groups.

Anyway, thanks for sharing about you and your husband.

Acappella:
Annabelle,  so sorry about your stuggle with being with your (and his?) children.  

Sounds like my husband in that he takes some responsibility about sabotaging the relationship and then amnesia sets in.  Two steps forward and then ten back.  

It is so good that you are providing a safer harbor for your children, even part time if he gets/has custody of some kind.

Take Care

Acappella:
Thank you Rob.  Yup, finding the strength...enough consistent strength I agree that is the challenge.  

I appreciate the whoishness evident in caring responses here.  Thank you.

Acappella:
CC, I'll look into that non denominational church idea.  No disrespect for those that do as there is value and beauty in it that I miss out on - a resevoir of strength etc. AND still I just don't connect with the guy nailed to the cross focus nor a specific view of heaven with rules about who gets in and who doesn't. Perhaps non denominational churches don't focus on such particulars? I guess I see stuff like the 10 commandments as just plain ole healthy social ecology no matter what happens after we die they are a quality of life in the moment issue not a judgement day sort of thing.  What is the one you go to like?  What do they/you do there?

If you reply about what the non denominational church is like would you do so in the voicefull relationships thread?  

P.S. Hows the mommy thing goin?  Where there is smoke is there morning sickness?

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