I thought of posting these separately. However they really do all fit together.
I've been slowly coming back to a relationship with God. I'm not regularly attending church right now. Though I am talking to God like I used to and that feels right for now. I know this is about to change. I am turning a big corner in my life.
After finding an article about pet loss and the stages of grieving I have come to accept my up and down and sideways feelings for that. I am grieving. I am going through all 5 stages at once in different areas of my healing. It depends on the situation or person(s) or animal. They all seem to be catalyst for each other. So I start with anger for my h and that spring boards to sadness for Behr. And so on. Very interesting and quite healthy. Wow! I am healthy! So way cool!
After yesterday's God orchestrated meeting with a very special lady I used to know, my view point has done a 180. God seems to do this to me a lot. I can be wallowing in this crap and thinking what gives and then He steps in to show me what is really happening in my life. This has occurred over and over. This lady has been through a horrible life due to her ex-h's mental illness. However she is now happy, healed and remarried to a wonderful man whom God brought into her life.
We only spoke for about 15 minutes and within that time God took my brain and totally changed my view point. Like I said 180 degrees. I am now looking out at a different direction. I now see with different eyes. I now have a complete understanding of why I must go through this journey of pain, the grieving. Our God orchestrated meeting was a life changing experience.
I am letting go of my relationship with my h. It is a slow process and not an all-at-once deal. After speaking with this lady I knew that my grieving is the beginning of letting go. I am now emotionally leaving my h. And as I emotionally leave him I will mentally leave him. Then I will physically leave him. This lady confirmed for me that it is a process if there has been a lot of trauma. It takes time.
Trust yourself and the process of grieving. That is only some of what I came away with from this encounter. I know it was God orchestrated. The timing was perfect. The woman even knew why I was leaving my h -- his sex and love addiction. She remembered my h's behavior from over 7 years ago. Last time I saw this woman was about 2 years ago. Wow, eye opener.
I told her I don't love my h any more. She said, "that is the beginning. You've already turned the corner."
I said, "I don't live with h any more. We are separated and have been for a year. He comes to visit about every 2 weeks."
She said, "you've made the physical disconnection. It has begun in your heart."
I said, "I'm grieving the loss of my dog. When I went away for 9 months in 1998 I didn't miss my h. I missed my Behr."
She said, "That about says it. You don't love him any more. You're not grieving the loss of love with your h. Rather you are grieving the loss of Behr and his companionship. That should have been what you had in your marriage."
I said, "Yes, I never had real companionship in my marriage but I did with my dog. Pretty sad."
She agreed.
I asked about how do you know when it is time to reconsider marriage or even dating. She said
when you no longer are grieving AND when you no longer are lonely. I got this part too by her sharing:
When you love and accept yourself for who you are. When you have found your place in this world and are comfortable with that.
I told her about the dream I had. Last time I had a similar dream was when Behr died in May and then November last year. I dreamt that I was pregnant. She laughed. I did too because I now knew what that meant. Last November I started living on my own and in the beginning of that time I had my pregnancy dream. I had another one when Behr died. His death began my grieving for him and grieving for what I didn't have in my marriage.
This pregnancy dream is about letting go of my h emotionally, mentally and physically. It is about new beginnings.
After meeting with this special lady I went shopping for groceries. Then I went to a store I never go to any more. I felt compelled to go there. When that happens I go knowing there is something God wants me to see or buy. I did and found a wonderful candle. My favorite colors are lilac, lavender and purple. I found this lilac colored candle and its fragrance is called New Beginning. Written in purple on the outside are some very interesting sentences. It's an aromatherapy candle. That's also something I wouldn't normally purchase. I picked it up and read it. Then set it back down. Then picked it up again. I knew I was supposed to get it. Here's what it says:
Discover what your soul is trying to tell you.
Your soul takes flight.
Clean the slate and gain courage for a fresh start.
Be alert to what is beginning to awaken in you.[/i]Wow! That about says it all. This pregnancy dream is definitely about new beginnings, new awakenings and fresh starts. In the dream and as always, I am in the last stage of pregnancy. In the dream I am nearing the time I will give birth. I am looking forward to another birthing of a new beginning. This time I will hold God's hand through that time. Before He held me in his arms because I could not stand on my own two feet.
