I laid down the law

[Sallying Forth]

My h wants to come here for the weekend.

I laid down the law.

No touching.
No cuddling.
No kissing.

He said, "if that's want you want."
I said, "it is what I need."

Interestingly he's been sick since the appointment with the t who treats addicts.

The strangest part is I know he does things which he wont speak about. He has secrets and hidden behaviors I know nothing about. It will all come out now and I think subconsciously he knows this.

Thank goodness he wasn't here for Thanksgiving Day. And he wont be here until later on tomorrow.


I ready more than ever to cut the ties to this pathetic man.

[Bewildered]

What is in this for you Sally?

[j_stice]

Hi Sally,

I agree with bewildered what is in it for you? But let me ask what are the consequences if he doesn't listen to you? How are you intending to ensure he respects your boundaries and decisions?

[Sallying Forth]

At this point I am not ready to cut off the relationship completely. I am getting closer to that point.

The consequences are he has to leave and go back home. This is the first time I have notified him in advance that he has restrictions. Also I am no longer willing to allow him to do as he pleases. It is usually all about him. I am no longer willing for this to be all about him.

What is in this for me? I am confused by your question Bewildered.

[Chicken]

Sallying,

I was going to ask you why he is coming for the weekend, but you read my mind!  I think that's cool that you are creating boundaries.  This is what you are doing.  Please please please please stick to them.  You will need so much strength especially when "the force" comes back into the picture.  Keep reminding yourself to listen and Protect YOU.  You come first.

Because your behaviour and approach is changing, will he turn on the charm and try to "win you back"?

How is he reacting to all of this?

I am glad to see you have made some moves towards separating yourself from him.  You are regaining your space and yourself.  It's a lot to handle so take it as slow as you like and take whatever route you see fit.  You know best.

Wishing you courage and strength
Selkie

[Brigid]

Hi Sally,
As someone who was married to an n with many sexual issues, which included lying, hiding behaviors, very disturbing sexual thinking, sexual addiction, and keeping me in the dark about all of it until he decided to leave,  I can now be so glad to have him out of my life.  In the beginning, I was willing to help him deal with it, support him and continue our marriage.  Thankfully, he was totally enamoured with a married woman at the time and saw that as his ticket to a sexually healthy life (wanting to believe that I was the reason he could not perform, have an interest in sex, was addicted to porn and only wanted to have sex with himself).  She, of course, never left her husband as he imagined she would, and he will probably forever look for relationships with women who are unavailable.  I know now that had we stayed together, the rest of my life would have been spent wondering what he was doing that I didn't know about and being rejected in the bedroom.

Now that I am in a totally healthy relationship, I can appreciate what I have been missing for the last quarter century.  I realize how much of me was compromised and adjusted to deal with my xh and live within his world.  I was happy because I had my children, but my marriage was a joke.

I am not suggesting that your situation is hopeless, or that you should throw in the towel if you are not yet ready to do that.  However, from your postings, it sounds like you are happier when he is not around.  It took me a long time to get to that point because I couldn't see his lying, hiding, cheating, etc., for the abuse that it was.  I totally get it now.  A healthy sexual relationship is critical to a healthy and long-lasting relationship, imo.

Keep your boundaries in place and go very slowly.  Think about your future and how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Moira]

Hi all- I totally agree with and feel like I could be your doppleganger- Bridget!! I think we've shared this before. I too left an N who was a sex addict. What a total mind fuck- pardon my French but it's accurate- politeness ad p.c.ness just doesn't cut the mustard in my books!!  I thought I had completely lost my mind, my desire and any ability to even think about sex as a concept- let alone contemplate ever being touched in any way by any man the rest of my life. I couldn't even watch T.V. or look at women on the street. It's taken me almost eight months of celibacy and therapy- thanks also to excellent suggestions of books to read!! greatly appreciated!- to get my head glued back on. I will never allow myself to pick such a monster again, will run if i even hear one thing that's remotely N!!!! I agree with Brigid on what she's saying about the importance of healthy loving sex in an healthy relationship. I'm just starting to notice men and have been doing a little pawing and snorting ( bull reference- hee hee) lately!! Feels good actually. i may even club one over the head sometime soon and drag him off to my lair!!! I digress!!!! I also saw a therapist for a few months who was a sex therapist specializing in sex addiction for addicts and their partners. Fantastic!!! Great to see limits are being set- don't beat yourself up for deciding maybe not to leave at this point- the seeds of boundaries, being good to yourself,listening to your inner voice, respecting yourself are all being planted. Nourish them and soon they'll grow wild and find root in the rocky soil that makes up a garden an N has dug up!!! Hugs and light, Moira

[Sallying Forth]

Hi Sally,
As someone who was married to an n with many sexual issues, which included lying, hiding behaviors, very disturbing sexual thinking, sexual addiction, and keeping me in the dark about all of it until he decided to leave,  I can now be so glad to have him out of my life.  In the beginning, I was willing to help him deal with it, support him and continue our marriage.  Thankfully, he was totally enamoured with a married woman at the time and saw that as his ticket to a sexually healthy life (wanting to believe that I was the reason he could not perform, have an interest in sex, was addicted to porn and only wanted to have sex with himself).  She, of course, never left her husband as he imagined she would, and he will probably forever look for relationships with women who are unavailable.  I know now that had we stayed together, the rest of my life would have been spent wondering what he was doing that I didn't know about and being rejected in the bedroom.

Now that I am in a totally healthy relationship, I can appreciate what I have been missing for the last quarter century.  I realize how much of me was compromised and adjusted to deal with my xh and live within his world.  I was happy because I had my children, but my marriage was a joke.

I am not suggesting that your situation is hopeless, or that you should throw in the towel if you are not yet ready to do that.  However, from your postings, it sounds like you are happier when he is not around.  It took me a long time to get to that point because I couldn't see his lying, hiding, cheating, etc., for the abuse that it was.  I totally get it now.  A healthy sexual relationship is critical to a healthy and long-lasting relationship, imo.

Keep your boundaries in place and go very slowly.  Think about your future and how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Blessings,

Brigid

Hi Brigid,

Ditto! That is exactly what is going on within my marriage except the affairs with a live person. He's into cyber sex and I only know this by a trail he left on my email which he neglected to get rid of. And he has molestated his niece ... early on in our marriage I decided to never have children by him. I didn't know about this until years into my recovery. Well now I know a lot more. I know there are other secrets and lies which have yet to be told and ...

I am NOT sticking around to find out about them. As I said in my A Time For Letting Go post and the lastest post Grieving, I am letting go. It is a process, a journey. The lady I met at the grocery store said something which I knew was right for me. "You'll know when to go, when there is no more hope. God will show you the way." I am quickly approaching that place with each time my h says something, retracts a promise, goes back to his old behavior, or outright lies to me.

I went to the joint counseling appointment a week ago in a different state of mind than I am in now. I was willing to see this through. After Wednesday's divine appointment everything changed. I am leaving. I've already left in my emotions. I am beginning to leave in my mind. I am grieving what never was and what never will be. And when I get to a specific point in that grieving process I will be leaving physically. My lady friend was like an angel in the flesh delivering the message that I needed to hear, needed know and needed to follow through.

Like the song says, "You got to know when love is over, You've got to learn to carry on ... You walk away when hope is gone, When your golden road has reached the end ..." I got to know and I do. I haven't loved my h in a long time. I am learning to carry on. Then I will walk away. The journey began last November and accelerated when Behr died and now again when the one year time was up. I have had my three corresponding pregnancy dreams as affirmations of my three new beginnings.


I doubt any person here on this board just suddenly one day walked away from their marriage or a relationship. It was a process, a journey. It is a journey taken one step at a time.

[Hopalong]

Sally,
You're stepping. I respect your steps.
It is a strong impulse to want to "yank" someone away from someone so toxic...but you're right to set your own pace.
You sound very clear about your stages of letting go.
I have faith that you'll keep stepping your way to freedom and peace.

Hopalong

[Sallying Forth]

It's taken me almost eight months of celibacy and therapy- thanks also to excellent suggestions of books to read!! greatly appreciated!- to get my head glued back on. I will never allow myself to pick such a monster again, will run if i even hear one thing that's remotely N!!!!
 Hugs and light, Moira

Hi Moira,
I am doing this right now in my therapy as I separate from my h. I've been working on N and abuser issues (They are not one in the same. An abuser isn't necessarily a N. And my h is NOT a N all the way only sexually.) since back in November 2004. And I've been in therapy with my issues for 17 years.

My head is glued on straight about healthy sex and thankfully was that way throughout my h's attempted brainwash of me for the past 17 years! I say attempted because I knew the truth the entire time. I knew years ago when I first began my therapy that he had a problem and was an addict. One telltale sign was the self-abuse he inflicted upon his body whenever he was rejected sexually. He'd stick long quilting needles into his body where he felt the most intense sexual tension. I even bought books on it to understand what was going on with him. However I never got into trying to fix him.

Hmmm, if he had been fixed this problem would have never continued.   Wahoooeeeee!!!!!!
Lucky he didn't marry Lorraine Bobbitt or he would have been fixed.  

Anyway all these years I focused on my healing and that was more than enough. All these years I was NOT able nor ready to do anything about leaving my sick and f*cked up relationship. I am now. Everyone is different and therefore every journey is different. Healing from a horrific childhood had to take precedence over leaving my h or I would not have the inner resources to leave and live on my own when the right time came.


BTW I am not being defensive and I am not hurt by what you said or what Brigid said. I am stating the facts about my life and how it isn't the same as your lives. I know you have both read my story so we are on the same page about what happened to me. Different histories require different approaches to problems. In my case I needed to become less multiple and less fragmented in order to function and be able to take the necessary next steps in my life.

[j_stice]

Hey Sally,

Let me be the wet rag here if he can molest his neice (for any reason) GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM! I am sorry to say this but he lacks the understanding of establishing true and honest relationship. I would go one step further to say he lacks morals and the understanding for his actions. I fear that you may be trying to protect yourself from him but regardless of what happens I still believe he will be a wolf in sheep's clothing!

As a male that would have to be one of the biggest taboos that a person should have, he doesn't respect the family unit. He didn't respect you (otherwise he wouldn't have put you through what he did). Get that boot ready and kick him to the curb quick because he knows he will be on his best bahviour to have you back, but once he has you this may become a merry-go-round that doesn't allow you the relationship(s) you deserve in your life!

[Bewildered]

I agree with everything said by J stice above - what benefit flows to you right now by NOT cutting him off. I think that you can wait until God tells you to, but do you really need to wait .When do you figure God will get around to arbitrating your problems. You KNOW enough about this man to know that you want him gone .So make him gone!

Are you waiting for the score to be 1000 and right now it is only 950 ?

Grasp your courage in both hands ,get some support from friends and put him back on the bus.

Flinty Clinty.

[Sallying Forth]

I appreciate your concerns and solutions J_stice and Bewildered however since I am multiple this journey is not as simple as a kick to the curb. Being multiple (MPD or now called DID) complicates matters considerably.

My situation is that I do live separately from my h right now. Although he does visit about every two weeks. I am about to change that. That will be my third big step towards breaking free.

The second big step I took was looking where to move. I am clearing out of this state literally and figuratively. There is nothing which holds me here so a move would be perfect. I've located the area and will now get more information about it from the C of C. and their newspapers. My t knows about my plans as well and is excited for me.

The first big step was living separately and staying that way no matter how bad it got. And it got bad! No reliable and heated transportation. Ice and snow so bad I couldn't walk off my front porch. But I found the solutions. I weathered those storms.

And I will weather the new storms coming my way. I now have reliable and heated transportation. I have a plan which can be augmented, altered or changed. It is not etched in stone. I am not waiting for the go ahead because I already received it. I am getting my ducks in a row.

I have zero friends. This board and my therapist are my only support system right now. I jettisoned all the garbage - Nfriends - about 6 months ago. I plan to start going to church again but that wont be until I get to the other state literally and figuratively. I might attend here but ... I'm not sure where to attend. I live in an unusual town where there is only one, local, rigid and structured church. Normally I would not attend this type of church. However since nothing is normy right now it might be great for a local support system. Something I will think about. The other flavors are in another country. That means friendships would be in another country not locally. I hestitate developing those connections especially when I will be moving.

[Sallying Forth]

Hey Sally,

Let me be the wet rag here if he can molest his neice (for any reason) GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM! ...

As a male that would have to be one of the biggest taboos that a person should have, he doesn't respect the family unit. He didn't respect you (otherwise he wouldn't have put you through what he did). Get that boot ready and kick him to the curb quick because he knows he will be on his best bahviour to have you back, but once he has you this may become a merry-go-round that doesn't allow you the relationship(s) you deserve in your life!

This is not about respecting the family unit. This is about a supply. His supply was taken away and he went after what he needed - more of his supply. I finally understand his behavior: he is N when it comes to sex. When I got this I knew it was time to leave. That was Wednesday. He's not going to heal or if he does it wont be any time soon and I am not waiting around to find out when that will be.