How to let go? Very very long....

[Hopalong]

Oh hon, I'm so sorry.
I'm a writer...wacky poet type...and sometimes I don't realize that language, especially in capital letters...can spook people if I overdo the drama. It's an imaginative exercise, seeing you, that's all. I know I can't really. And I don't want to invade your head that much.

I meant to be funny but it must've come out creepy and invasive. I'm soooo sorry if I kind of peeled you open, there. I really didn't intend to do that.

It was a weird exercise in trying to inspire you to laugh at yourself and love yourself.
And it backfired. I was too pushy and invasive (N spot!).

I am terribly sorry. I should know, since I have anxiety disorder, how the wrong words, delivered in the wrong tone, can flip somebody into a panic attack, and I'm terribly sorry I contributed to that.

I just would SO hate to harm you.
Please, forgive me.

I'm so sorry you had a rough night, and sorrier that I helped trigger it.
(I really do "see" only a very dear and very good human being. And that's all I meant to say.)

Maybe the guilt-wave is just a whole bunch of dreck, inner resistance to the actual possibility of loving yourself in a real way. Maybe when you tried out the fantasy of doing that, the big ball of toxic guilt you've been choking on just had to try one more time...

It is powerful. I cant' explain it but I do have such faith in you, that with some practice, some kinder thoughts about yourself, you can shrink it down to a size you can eventually bounce away from you. See it shrink and so forth...

But there I go directing imaginative exercises again and I'm sorry. I presume too much.

Please feel better.
Let me know how you are, and please accept my apology for pushing too hard.

Gently,
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((((Hoppy hoppy hoppy hon))))))))))))))))  Honey, please don't feel bad and don't apologise and you haven't harmed me, you could never harm anyone Hoppy (btw, do you mind me calling you Hoppy?).... you have done nothing wrong and in a round about way your comment has helped more than you know.  I always appreciate your replies.

I know that you can't "see" me.... but because of the image I have of myself, I assume others have the same image.... do you know what I mean?  So when I read that you can see through me, my first thoughts was (sorry in advance for swearing), sh*te, bugger etc... she can see that I'm just pretending to be nice.  Because that is how I feel, I'm not really nice and caring but deep down I think I'm horrible and selfish for the reasons in the posts above, so therefore I feel I play at being nice, I play at being caring and friendly.  Gosh, I have never been this honest in my life and I've never even shared this with myself before now!  Your comment has actually helped me to realise this.

I did wonder if the guilt was actually coming out from me.... that it was a way of getting rid of it?

[Hopalong]

Wow! Thank you ((((H & H)))))!
Sure, you can call me Hoppy.
Heck, call me Happy!

I'm so glad it turns out to be insight instead of harm.
You are making so much sense.

I said you were dear and sweet and good, you know.
Didn't say you were PERfect..
 

Sometimes we DO have to pretend to be nice.
Sometimes underneath guilt is a whole bunch of scary anger!
But underneath that is the original dear sweet good self, that's all.

I think you're so brave. SOOOO brave.
Just unpeeling like an onion and growing in such significant, healing ways.

You make ME feel healing and hopeful.

Thanks, again, for all the inspiration you are.

Love,
Hopalong

[Portia]

Yay. H&H some questions for you to mull if you wish. Ponder! Are babies born innocent? Are babies born selfish, unkind, controlling? What’s wrong with being selfish sometimes? Self-ish, thinking about yourself, what’s wrong with it? Is anyone else going to do it for you?

Sometimes I love being selfish. True! Some of us have to learn to be healthily selfish. Look after ourselves. Not allow others to use us, trample over our wants. Being selfish can simply be asking for what you want. There is nothing bad about asking for what you want! And if you don’t ask…..people don’t know.

Guilt is *just* a feeling.

Anger is *just* a feeling.

Feelings can change. Like thinking can change.

A whole person is so much more than a bunch of feelings.

Hoppy: whaddya think? Is massive guilt what we have before we get angry enough to shove that guilt where it belongs? When we find that anger, and realise it was Never Our Fault – that’s when the guilt starts to lift? And we can get soooo angry. About being made to feel guilty!

I get a fancy to say something in capitals….Hoppy I love your EXUBERANCE!

Bye for now....

[Healing&Hopeful]

I would have to say babies are born innocent.  From reading info on this website it says we are born with about 50% of our personality.  I found that part really interesting.

I'm not sure about being an inspiration ((((((((((Happy)))))))))))

Yes (((((Portia)))))) it is good to be selfish sometimes, however looking at this now I don't see the point for feeling selfish because I'm not like the rest of my family.  It's up to them isn't it?  They choose to be that way just the same as I choose to be this way.

However I'm on a course tomorrow, and then off on holiday on Saturday so here goes.... this is my attempt to see good, and only good.... something to take with me for two weeks.  I know there are things that I'm not... I know I'm not and never will be really out going or the life and soul of the party, however....

I am:-

Happy
Helpful
Kind
Generous
Friendly
Honest
Lovable (well my husband loves me so I must be)

And I am GOOD... I am not all the things that my parents want and I do not have to keep their guilt, I do not have to accept their responsibility.

And you know what... I feel good... in fact maybe we should have a good thread.

Now.... I'll just watch my head as I try to get out of the door!

My sincere heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you who have replied to this thread... what a bunch of amazing people you are! xx

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Mis Portia.
Yeah. I think guilt can be numbed-up anger.
Anger's a tricky dance partner, I'm often scared of it myself...a lot...
but I'm learning it's important to sit down with it sometimes, listen to what it's saying.
Then, I think, one can let it go.

And be happy.
 
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thanks, Mis Portia.
Yeah. I think guilt can be numbed-up anger.
Anger's a tricky dance partner, I'm often scared of it myself...a lot...
but I'm learning it's important to sit down with it sometimes, listen to what it's saying.
Then, I think, one can let it go.

And be happy.
 
Hopalong


((((((((Happy Hoppy))))))))

I think it's normal to be scared of anger.  Especially this kind of anger where it can seem to consume us, however letting out this anger is important and how we let it out is important too.  I have loads of self help stuff saved on my PC and here is a bit of it about anger... this may help yourself or someone else.  Take care hon xx

What is the anger reaction to loss in a dysfunctional family?
· Anger at having to strive so hard and to be so good.

· Anger at living in a family that needs so much and gives back so little.

· Anger at parents for being so critical and irritable when one is trying so hard.

· Anger at self for constantly discounting one's own needs and selling out to other's demands.

· Anger at parents for not caring about me.

· Anger at a troubled person in the family for engaging in a dependency behavior.

· Anger at family members who conspire to belittle and manipulate the troubled person.

Anger at self for causing a problem for self and others.


How is anger often dealt with in a dysfunctional family?
· To maintain a ``good'' son or daughter image  one must not show anger toward parents but must bury the feelings (anger in), which feeds guilt and depression.

· Anger leads to feelings of inadequacy that lead to a belief that ``I never do good enough.''  This leads to resentment that leads to more buried feelings, resulting in guilt and depression.

· Intense anger at self and others can become frozen into a chronic attitude of hostility.

· Submerged anger leads to being vigilant for any attacks (real or perceived) on self. This provides a stimulus to draw the anger feelings to the surface, resulting in overreaction ``Your anger in this situation is disproportionate  to the importance of the event.''

· Self-hatred leads to turning off feelings, which can lead to projection and blaming others for the problems.

· Anger leads to rage that leads to severe punishing of the troubled person or other family members.



What are some ways to redefine anger? 
· Anger is a signal that things are not going our way.

· Anger is a motivator for us to change things or to rectify them.

· Unresolved anger is a block to our emotional growth.

· Anger is a sign that we must take an assertive stance to tune into how we are feeling and why we are feeling that way.

· Anger is directly related to our thoughts. If we have angry thoughts we will become angry. However, if we don't have angry thoughts, we won't become angry.

· Depression is anger that has been suppressed.

· A hostile attitude is often the sign of an individual with chronic, unresolved anger who expresses the anger in passive and/or aggressive ways.

· Aggressive anger, which is verbal or physical, only intensifies one's anger once it begins to be expressed.

· Catharsis of anger, which is the ventilation of anger, usually leads to an increase in anger, and the expression of the anger usually intensifies.

· Anger is usually related to me and my reaction to something or someone. It is controllable by teaching myself new ways to handle the ``anger provoking'' situations, events, or people.

· My angry reaction to a ``current situation'' may be because the situation is a ``trigger event,'' one that drags up ``old'' anger that has never been resolved.

· Anger can be turned into a source of strength to change my ways of acting and reacting to situations, events, or people.

· Ventilating anger directly on people is aggressive behavior and typically benefits no one. I usually feel guilt, shame, or greater anger after such ventilation, and whatever provoked my anger usually doesn't change.

· Harnessing anger into a productive force in my life will assist my emotional growth.



What can I do with anger?
·        Face the anger for what it is and don't avoid it.

·        Identify the feelings at the root of the anger or depression.

·        Use ``I statements'' to express the feelings of anger.

·        Identify the guilt, resentment, rage, fear, embarrassment, depression involved in this anger.

·        Confront the issues that stimulate the anger. Analyze them for what they are: stimuli drawing on deepseated subconscious feelings of anger that indicate unresolved emotional blocks from my past.

·        Use imagery, role playing, an empty chair, or other object to confront past hurts and pains; express the submerged feelings that come out as I deal with this anger.

·        Inform people in my current life of my need to analyze my anger responses; seek their assistance and understanding in this exploration process.

·        If my current anger is not the result of efforts to uncover submerged feelings of old anger, then treat the current anger with rational ``I'' statements: ``I feel angry because ?''

Anger work-out refers to a healthy and full expression of anger on inanimate objects; not on people so as to rid myself of hostility and aggression aroused by my anger. Each of the following techniques could be used alone or in any combination. 

·        beating on pillows

·        beating on a mattress

·        stomping on floor

·        beating a bed with tennis or racquetball racket

·        beating a rug with a stick

·        hitting a weight bag or punching bag

·        physical exertion, i.e., playing racquetball, tennis, hand ball, etc.

·        yelling in a car with windows closed

·        yelling in a paper bag

·        ripping up a telephone book or newspapers

·        hammering nails in a board

·        games in an amusement park that require pounding

·        throwing soft objects

·        beating a pillow or bed with a foam or plastic bat

·        karate or judo practice

·        beating drums

·        loud yelling

·        screaming at a concert or sports event

·        screaming in a vacant field or park

·        using a shovel to dig holes in the dirt

·        hitting balls or stones with a baseball bat

·        hitting a ball against a wall with racket or hand

·        bowling to hit all the pins down

·        writing a letter of anger, but ripping it up the next day - not mailing it

·        expressing feelings by writing in a journal

·        wringing a wet towel

·        using a hammer to smash glass in a bag

·        kneading bread or play dough





What are some steps to work out unresolved anger to resolve past issues?
In handling a ``current'' anger situation you may have come upon a ``trigger'' event that brings up past feelings of hurt, pain, resentment, hostility, or anger. The trigger event is not what you are actually reacting to, but rather it is the past situation, (one that went unresolved) to which you are reacting.

The following steps will assist you in working out this unresolved anger:

Step 1.   Take a pillow or cushion and go alone to your bedroom or to a quiet location. 

Step 2.   Position yourself so that you are kneeling in front of the pillow or cushion, which is either on a bed, a chair or the floor.

Step 3.   Begin to visualize a scene or series of scenes surrounding the situation, event, or person with which you have unresolved anger.

Step 4.   As you are visualizing the scene, begin to pound your pillow and yell out how you ``feel'' about the situation, event, or person. Yell your guts out!

Step 5.   Continue pounding the pillow and letting out your feelings until you feel satiated.

Step 6.   At this point begin to use your  reason and rationality to reframe or restate the situation. Begin to allow yourself to forgive those situations, events,  or persons for what happened to you. Do not proceed to the next step until you can come to a ``healing'' of your spirit at this point.

If you are stuck, repeat Steps 3 and 4.

Step 7.   Once you feel as if you have been able to forgive and you feel healing beginning, write down what it was that made the reframed or restated situation have less blame and thus be able to be forgiven.

Step 8.   If person(s) involved in the unresolved anger situation are still available (alive) and capable of communicating on a healing, non-blaming, feeling level, share your resolution with them and let the forgiveness and healing become alive.

If the person(s) involved are unavailable, let the forgiveness and healing take hold in your heart.

Step 9.   If in the future a trigger event brings up this same unresolved anger, repeat Steps one through eight. For some unresolved anger situations, you may need to repeat these steps many, many times.



Steps to improving your Anger Work-Outs
Step 1:    In order to improve my ability to work anger out of my life, I first need to assess my understanding of anger. To do this I will answer the following questions in my journal:

A.           What is my definition of anger?

B.            What usually makes me angry?

C.            Who usually makes me angry?

D.           What ``hot buttons'' are likely to arouse my anger?

E.           How do I usually express my anger?

F.            How healthy is my expression of anger?

G.           How do I feel when I am in the midst of expressing anger?

H.           How do I feel after I have expressed my anger?

I.             What are the benefits of my openly expressing anger?

J.             What inhibits my ability to express anger?

K.           How do others react to my open expression of anger?

L.            What negative results occur from my expression of anger?

M.           What is the positive outcome of my expression of anger?

N.           Where are my problems with anger rooted?

O.           How can I recognize my anger and then express it in a healthy way?

Step 2:   Once I've analyzed current anger in my life, I need to recognize past, unresolved anger by answering the following questions:

P.            What anger issues in my life remain unresolved?

Q.           Who are the people with whom I still have unresolved anger?

R.            What events continue to conjure up anger for me today?

S.            What attempts have I made to work on my unresolved anger?

T.            How can I free myself up to work on my unresolved anger?

U.           What inhibits me about anger work-out on my unresolved issues?

V.           How can I forgive, forget, and heal the past anger?

W.          In reading the following piece written by Robert Muller, the former Assistant Secretary General of the United Nations, I feel I am ready to do anger work-out on both current and unresolved past issues.

Decide to Forgive

by Robert Muller

·                                                                                    Decide to forgive

·                                                                                    For resentment is negative

·                                                                                    Resentment is poisonous and devours the self

·                                                                                    Be the first to forgive, to smile and to take the first step,

·                                                                                    And you will see happiness bloom

·                                                                                    On the face of your human brother or sister. 

·                                                                                    Be always the first

·                                                                                    Do not wait for others to forgive.

·                                                                                    For by forgiving,

·                                                                                    You become the master of fate,

·                                                                                    The fashioner of life, the doer of miracles.

·                                                                                    To forgive is the highest,

·                                                                                    Most beautiful form of love.

·                                                                                    In return you will receive

·                                                                                    Untold peace and happiness.

·                                                                                    Here is the program for achieving a truly forgiving heart:

·                                                                                    Sunday: Forgive yourself

·                                                                                    Monday: Forgive your family.

·                                                                                    Tuesday: Forgive your friends and associates.

·                                                                                    Wednesday: Forgive across economic lines within your own nation.

·                                                                                    Thursday: Forgive across cultural lines within your own nations.

·                                                                                    Friday: Forgive across political lines within your own nation.

·                                                                                    Saturday: Forgive other nations.

·                                                                                    Only the brave know how to forgive.

·                                                                                    A coward never forgives. It is not in his nature.

Step 3:   I will use the anger work-out for all current anger events.

Step 4:   I will use anger work-out for all past, unresolved anger issues.

Step 5:   I will use the following anger work-out activities for a minimum of fifteen minutes daily. To relieve my built up feelings of anger.

My anger work-out tasks will include:

A.

B.

C.

D.

E.

Step 6:   If I still have unresolved anger, I will return to Step 1, and begin again.

 

[Moira]

Hi all! Don't know if it's totally appropriate to post this here but I'm going to anyway. I have ignored in every wa my ex N for months and he stopped showing up at NA meetings I attend. I hear through the grape vine that he continued to talk about me during his " sharing". In loving, glowing terms, saying he had absolutely no resentments towards me, I'd done the right thing in kicking him out and " anger no longer existed in his vocabulary or a concept"!!! Three wks. ago he materialized at my meetings and alway s shared about " how fucked up someone he still " loved"( !!!! What the f--k??!!!), and how they were going to go out and use again". Blah blah. He then publicly accused me several times during mtgs. of " cheating on him" with a guy who is only a platonic friend!!!! He referred to me as " promisicous, and no boundaries, jumping from man to man" and referred to my friend as " a predator, a sewer rat, and taking advantage of me" He had no idea that all this shite didn't reflect at allon me or my friend, but on him. Several of the " oldtimers" took him aside and told him his behavour was completely inappropriate. He is not attending my mtg. anymore and I hear he isn't sharing about me. He started showing up at mtg. dressed to the nines( in clothes I'd bought him!! Hee hee!!) and squiring a much younger woman new to fellowship and known as someone with a rep. As if I'd be jealous!!! This only lasted 2 times and heard she rejected him. He then gave his cell number to a friend of mine asking them to pass it to me" in case of an emergency and I'd have to call him". When hell freezes over!!! I continue to receive bills for huge phone debt incurred in his ex's name for his phone sex. I return them to her by mail. I get phone mssg. from his shrink booking appts, his G.P., his lawyer about upcoming dead beat dad court appearance- and I erase them all. I am feeling somewhat pissed at my self for even wasting any energy thinking at all about him and have to admit I've thought about something heavy falling on him. At least I'm not up all night obsessing and plotting his torture and death!!! I feel I need to hold up my hand whenever someone starts takling about him, passing on his mssgs. etc. because even that knowledge is negative energy and keeps me thinking- even if it's only for short periods- about him. I think I've made some progress however. Thanks for lettingme vent!!! Sending light and good karma to all! Moira