Ceemee wrote:
Not everyone is wired to go into fight response Perhaps it is an aborted flight response that we experience. We want to run but circumstances don't permit and so we stand there stunned.
For me, it seems to matter how close I feel (or think I feel) to someone. In other words, if the person is a complete stranger or distant co-worker or someone just passing through and seeming to speak without any filter between brain and mouth, I have an easier time responding without any fear, by expressing my thoughts, or completely ignoring their ridiculous words/behaviour (which is probably the best all round response).
If the person is someone I respect, care about, etc, or who I think/thought does/did so for me.....and they behave rudely, inconsiderately, whatever......I tend to feel hurt first.....then fear takes hold, my brain freezes and I clam up. What is the fear???
That worse will come if I speak? That I will say something to expose my feelings? That I will egg on a big blow out?
Maybe this is habit that can be changed? Learned behaviour from the past? Maybe we can train ourselves to think first and feel second.....over time......at such times?? Or to set our feelings aside, if necessary, and ignor.
I think it's easier if I am prepared. If I know I'm going to be meeting with a "difficult" person, I can plan a few responses and psych myself up to withstand attacks, not let them penetrate, and remind myself to think first....not let fear take hold......or ignor without being hurt at all.
It's the shock element that really gets this response from me. When I am not expecting it. When I would never dream the person would say or do such a thing. That's when I freeze up the best!
How to change?? Hmmmmmmmmmm???? Is it necessary?
Some people say and do things for shock value.......for attention........or to gettt a reaction.
For those people........I would like to change. Not give them the value and attention or reaction for behaving like that. It reinforces their behaviour and it makes me feel small.
I need to practice.....for those who speak first and think later......just practice saying what I think and feel.
"That was rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful. I'm shocked by your behaviour! You hurt my feelings. I'm outta this conversation".
Would that be appropriate? It's honest.
Or how about:
"What???"........with a look of total confusion......like I just don't get it......message not received. Hahahahaha!
Or maybe:
"Oh! I must go! I'm late!" with a big, warm smile.......and a wave.....as I skip, happily away??
I think I'll have to practice visualizing these kinds of responses, while reinforcing the idea mentally to myself that I do not HAVE to react like a deer in the headlights. That I can choose NOT to do that. That I can choose to ignor, or state my thoughts and feelings openly...depending on whether or not it seems appropriate.
Plucky wrote:
we as humans have a choice whether to be the prey
I think so but I also think we do form habits of reacting in similar ways, over and over again, until we realize it as something we want to change and until we work hard at bringing that change about. Recognizing the choice is a biggie.....at the time. Maybe remembering to say to oneself: "I can chose how to react now" would help?
I need to work on this for sure!
Mum wrote:
That happens because I am a nice person who would never treat another human being with the kind of rudeness, anger, disrespect (fill in the blank here) that the nasty person is currently doing....or has just done.
I am shocked STILL because it is still not okay, someone just stepped over my boundaries and I am appalled.
Me too. I'd like to move quicker to responding by choice, rather than by habit or reflex or whatever it is. But your words give me something to remember when I don't do that......and just freeze. Nice people don't behave like that do they? They would never treat another like that. So another good thing to remember is:
"I'm not like that!" (and feel good inside!)
Sela
