(decided on a fresh thread for this)
I think my daughter is changing and I do notice some mellowing, but for a good while I've been privately worred that she might be N-ish. There is some extreme hardness in her behavior and attitudes.
I think with my anxiety tendencies I can fixate on the label though, so what would be healthier would be for me to just take good care of myself and set my own boundaries with her and continue to be loving.
At what point, though (and if ever), I'm wondering, would it be fair or helpful for me to mention to her that this is a worry?
I love her very much. She has in the past shown such incredible kindness and sensitivity to the vulnerable and is still quite good to others. She's never been predatory at all.
She's just at times hurt my feelings terribly and been so hard and unfeeling. She describes herself as "irritable" but I've even thought in recent years, my God, I wouldn't want my daughter to take care of me when I'm very old. (I think that was just a transient thought, but it upset me a lot to have it.)
On the other hand, I think that's been her defense against feeling too vulnerable and trying hard, and maybe necessarily hard, to differentiate herself.
I'm not sure. That's it, I'm just not sure what's normal for a 25 y/o who's lived through 3 divorces (mine from her Dad and her stepfather, and her Dad's from his 2nd wife), a very invasive and everpresent Nish grandmother, and the slow horrible death of her father. Plus a personal decision she made while walking on the wild side during her grief that I believe troubles her at a very deep level.
How do I figure out if she has an N-looking shell because of some of what she's been through, or is N where it counts, deep inside? More importantly, how do I help her?
She's my only child. I hope with all my heart I'm oversensitized to Nishness and worrying uncessarily.
Hopalong