My daughter? Or do I see N behind every bush?

[Hopalong]

(decided on a fresh thread for this)

I think my daughter is changing and I do notice some mellowing, but for a good while I've been privately worred that she might be N-ish. There is some extreme hardness in her behavior and attitudes.
I think with my anxiety tendencies I can fixate on the label though, so what would be healthier would be for me to just take good care of myself and set my own boundaries with her and continue to be loving.

At what point, though (and if ever), I'm wondering, would it be fair or helpful for me to mention to her that this is a worry?

I love her very much. She has in the past shown such incredible kindness and sensitivity to the vulnerable and is still quite good to others. She's never been predatory at all.

She's just at times hurt my feelings terribly and been so hard and unfeeling. She describes herself as "irritable" but I've even thought in recent years, my God, I wouldn't want my daughter to take care of me when I'm very old. (I think that was just a transient thought, but it upset me a lot to have it.)
On the other hand, I think that's been her defense against feeling too vulnerable and trying hard, and maybe necessarily hard, to differentiate herself.

I'm not sure. That's it, I'm just not sure what's normal for a 25 y/o who's lived through 3 divorces (mine from her Dad and her stepfather, and her Dad's from his 2nd wife), a very invasive and everpresent Nish grandmother, and the slow horrible death of her father. Plus a personal decision she made while walking on the wild side during her grief that I believe troubles her at a very deep level.

How do I figure out if she has an N-looking shell because of some of what she's been through, or is N where it counts, deep inside? More importantly, how do I help her?

She's my only child. I hope with all my heart I'm oversensitized to Nishness and worrying uncessarily.

Hopalong

[write]

Hi H

well, n behaviours are common in teenagers, maybe because of all the trauma she's a late developer?

I don't think you can help by discussing n-ism at this stage, just being there really and open to discuss things when she is. And not afraid to gently challenge or point out unkind attitudes...though I think we all walk on eggshells with our kids there ( say too much and they shut off etc )

And I agree- since I sensitised to n-ism I see it everywhere. Doesn't mean everyone's an N though.

xoxoxox

[Plucky]

Hi Hoppy,
Would your daughter be wiling to go to a counselor or therapist?   That could be an objective ear for her.  I would not diagnose her to her face, if I were you.  No one would want o hear anything like that, especially if there were some truth in it.  It would probably not help your relationship.

From my standpoint it is impossible to tell if you are projecting your fears or if she really has issues and if so, what to do about it, if anything.  You need some person on teh ground to help you and provide a neutral place for her and you to rely on.

Even if she is an N, that is not your responsiblity.  She is an adult.  You can lend help but you cannot change her or take blame for her.  You can only behave the way you ought to, and that includes protecting yourself and not enabling her.

Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((Hoppy)))))))

Hiya hon.... wow, this is tricky.

From what you say about her, I don't think she is an N.  I think possibly the way to deal with this is to answer this "Who is your daughter?"  This is not going to be a straight forward answer and I do think that it could possibly be answered by spending time with her.  Can you organise to do something together which you both enjoy?

As a child of divorce myself, one thing I will tell you is that the child normally blames him/herself (a counsellor told me this).  As someone who has been through 3 divorces, this could be 3 fold which I feel would explain the hard shell, if you know what I mean at all.  On top of that her dad dying... well, she may feel like everyone leaves her at some point, so has developed a hard shell.  Obviously as I don't know her I'm just speculating, but I do feel could be a possibility.

She's just at times hurt my feelings terribly and been so hard and unfeeling.
I feel that we can all hurt each other deeply in families, normally not intentionally but cause deep hurt all the same.

Even though she is 25 Hoppy hon, I think she might need you more than you realise, but fear, unawareness and feeling unsure of herself may be hiding beneath her hard shell.

Take care and let us know how you get on.

Love H&H xx

[Hopalong]

thanks VERY much, all of you.
Write and Plucky, I know you're right and I will not mention any sort of diagnosis to her face. (I would give my teeth if she'd get into counseling but that backfired because I pushed it too much. So it became a power struggle. I have totally dropped the subject but just pray she will eventually. I think some of her suffering may drive her there.
And H&H, I will keep being available, loving and listening.
She does turn to me, and she's very affectionate at times.
I think the hard shell has been mostly for self protection.

She's definitely a late bloomer. Even at 25, she's a combo of tough and immature.
We do spend time together every few months (she lives in another state) and it's always a joy. We have a lot of humor in common, and can just chill, go to movies, be together... It's SO much more peaceful to be with her on HER turf, instead of here, where NGrandma also lives. (My daughter loves her grandmother but splinters her teeth in frustration over her controlling oblviiousness.)

Thanks for listening, everyone. You've eased my heart.
Time to put away my DSMV IV for a while!

Love,
Hopalong