lack of "intimacy" with my N

[lovedafraud]

   Has anyone else had the experience of the N man in your life actually withholding sex from you, (we had sex twice in two years), only to find out he is having numerous sexual liasons with multiple, promiscuous and undesireable women. One that I knew since we were kids acquired Herpes 20 years ago in High School, but he was still with her, unprotected. Then, after I kicked him out, I found not only the files of papers concerning his lies,etc., but also found bottles of Virucept, (to help naturally combat Herpes outbreaks, Enzyte, {the natural male enhancer}, and Ogoplex which is a natural form of Viagra. I mean, here I am faithful to him always, clean of disease, and he chooses to bed skanky women he barely knows. Then comes back home like all is well, except that he "doesn't have a sex drive" anymore. I didn't question him a whole lot about it, as I had a hysterectomy a few years ago, and sex is not a top priority for me, but I did like to experience that closeness with my spouse. The lies and betrayal. Him turning to those types of women and denying me. Makes me feel like such a sludge.
   Tina

[Brigid]

Tina,
Yes, I certainly experienced the lack of intimacy for most of my marriage.  In the case of my xnh, he always told me that he didn't have a very strong sex drive (that was an understatement), that his work was too stressful, he was too tired, whatever.  I finally found out that indeed his sex drive was intact, but he was watching porn and having sex with himself.  He lied about and hid all of this from me for 22 years.  He finally hooked up with a married woman (just as unavailable as the porn stars) who he was convinced would leave her husband and children to be with him, and they had an affair for however long.  But she eventually decided she didn't want my h and stayed with her family.  For the last 5 years of our marriage, he would need Viagra in order to have sex with me, which happened about 6-7 times a year and only was initiated by me.  I happen to be a woman who loves sex, so I was pretty miserable for a long time, but was never unfaithful or even considered it.  I believed all his excuses and rarely made an issue of it.  I begged him to go with me for some therapy, but he said there was nothing wrong and his "problem" was normal.

You are learning of behaviors and habits which are quite typical of n's.  Withholding sex, I believe, is just another form of power and control--hence, abuse.  My xh knew I loved it, and I now get the pleasure he got from keeping it from me.  Totally sick behavior.  Feel very fortunate that you did not have children with this man.  I hope you have been checked out for any STD's--I know I did.  Thank God the tests were negative.

I am in a very healthy relationship now, after 2 1/2 years of therapy, and it is really wonderful.  I promise it can get better.

Hugs,

Brigid

[lovedafraud]

   Brigid,
   Yes, I had STD testing and,( thank-the-Lord),they were all negative. I was stunned. I thought at the very least I'd test positive for Hepatitis or Herpes, not to mention HIV. Having sex with him only twice in two years did have that one good point, from a health standpoint. Mine also indulged in great amounts of porn and masturbation. It was so strange when I caught him in the middle of "pleasuring himself"; he was so upset he couldn't look at me for three days. It was so weird. I am happy to hear you have found love again. I hope one day it will happen for me,too, but right now I am running scared. I just hope to fall in love with someone who loves me for me and isn't afraid to talk rationally and share and hold hands, kiss in public, etc. My Nh was so damned cruel, it just is beyond my comprehension.
   Tina 

[Plucky]

Hi Lovedafraud,
Your H is horrible and his type antics are all too familiar to me. I'm approaching the year mark and I am fine with it, since I know what risks I would take on, were I to be graced with his favors.

I was with you until you got to this part.

The lies and betrayal. Him turning to those types of women and denying me. Makes me feel like such a sludge.

I have a hard time seeing why you are a sludge.  He lied, he consorts with slags, he exposes you to disease.  Why on earth are you anything but a patient, honest survivor who thought too well of a worm?
Plucky

[write]

once I understood NPD I understood totally why ex-h could not be intimate: how can someone who deep down feels so repulsive and shameful be truly anything open and honest and natural?
'Let the games begin...'

What a lot you have been through, and thank goodness you have no STDs.

First of all you have to stop calling yourself names and start being kinder to yourself.
Nothing you did caused this man's problems, sexual or otherwise, nothing you do will ever be enough to fix him; you've made the decision, now make the break, which can be permanent since you have no kids together?
( you maybe see now why his ex chose to flee? )

Practice a 'broken record' technique with him, but beware of starting an emotionally-charged battle- ns thrive on negative attention, competition and 'winning'.
Work out why you tried again last time- was it him pressing you, or you believed something had changed etc then remain adamant in the face of similar pressure.

Tell yourself, he is one poor, messed-up individual who has spread misery and confusion everywhere he's been, who doesn't know his own kids, and almost dragged you down too.

But he didn't, and though you're grieving and struggling to come to terms with it all now, in the long-term you will go on and heal and make a new life...and he will repeat ad nauseum his old one.

We've had our self-esteem broken by these ns to the point of 'will I ever have a normal ordinary man in my life' you are not alone in your wants and fears, but beware rushing out to meet another man...whilst you are still attuned to Nism you will likely make excuses and be taken advantage of by someone else looking for a vulnerable partner.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi Tina,
Your screen name is so apt and you are so NOT alone in this. I know after the anger and grief and shock and disillusionment pass, you will go through a dawning sense that really does come to people who are lucky enough to identify and no longer be completely fooled by Ns. That's the empowering light at the end of the tunnel.

I think it's utterly CRUCIAL not to blame yourself for the N's rejection. Do all you can to not internalize it, make it about you or your appeal, etc.

I offer that because my Nhusband, with whom I was truly in love suddenly stopped wanting intimacy after 1 year of marriage and would not touch me for 5 more years. It took him two years (me sleeping in an attic bedroom, crying myself to sleep) to mention, oh I don't know why, but I did that with my first wife too, and a fiancee. He let me, all that time, think it was my fault (and I didn't know better). It was excruciatingly humiliating and painful.

But clearly the withholding of affection and sex is part of the N profile. I don't know why.

But I do know it's not, it wasn't, and could never be your fault.
(I also know, in hindsight, that I would not stay five years as I did. In fact, the red flags were nearly strangling me on our wedding night...and what I should have done was an immediate annulment. I lacked the courage and was defeated by shame. But today, if I made such a mistake again, I'd do it in a heartbeat.)

Love yourself. Love yourself a lot, and you will heal.

Gently,
Hopalong

[lovedafraud]

   I do need to start working on my self- image, as it is not real positive right now.  I had no idea how far down I had allowed him to put me. So the withholding intimacy issue sounds to be pretty standard with N, it seems. It's just so abnormal in comparison to that which I view as normal. Normal, loving spouses remain faithful and honor their vows. People who fall out of love and choose to be forthcoming about it explain their feelings and leave the relationship before seeking alternate partners. Normal people don't live secret lives and spin webs of deciet. I guess that is what happens when you don't marry "normal".
   Tina

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Tina
 
I find your post quite comforting because you know what to expect in a normal relationship.  Now is definitely the time to work on yourself and most of all, go easy on yourself.  It's easy to blame ourselves, but N's do seek us out, not the other way round.  I feel that through time, seeing your counsellor and being kind to yourself, will give you the time to get yourself back on track and renew your self esteem.  It is important to remember that this isn't your fault.... your only downfall was trusting your partner, which you do in a normal relationship.  That is the only part you are responsible for, which is normal.  The rest of it was all down to him.
 
Take care
 
H&H xx

[Sallying Forth]

   I didn't question him a whole lot about it, as I had a hysterectomy a few years ago, and sex is not a top priority for me, but I did like to experience that closeness with my spouse.
   Tina

Hi Tina,
When you are in an abusive relationship the desire for sex also decreases. So sex no longer being a top priority for you may or may not be hormonal.

I am in an abusive relationship and have no desire to have sex with my h. My t says that would be a normal and healthy response to abuse.

[Brigid]

I thought I would throw in a little adendum to what I wrote above based on information I have received in the last day.  Apparently, my xnh is still in a relationship with the married woman, but she has still not left her marriage.  He has been waiting for her to leave her husband for 2 1/2 years  .  He apparently shared this with our son while driving him back to school after Thanksgiving break.  He says he is not willing to wait forever, but is convinced that her leaving is imminent and then they can finally be together.  I asked my son how he felt about it and he said the "ick factor" is so high that he tuned out most of the conversation (which of course went on non-stop for the entire 90-minute ride since my x loves to totally dominate the conversation and talk about himself).  I guess I would have to agree about the "ick factor" and it makes him just all the more repulsive to me.  You hear of women being so needy and pathetic that they will wait around for years waiting for their lovers to leave their wives, but you don't often hear of men doing it.  Although my x never was much of a man, so I guess it's understandable. 

Just thought I would mention that.

Brigid

[lovedafraud]

    Brigid,
    My estranged Nh is also involved with,( ahem), a couple of married women,( that I am aware of), one being the dear friend of mine who has been carrying on with him the last few months. What I have read on the subject of N and other PD's seems to say that a relationship with an "unavailable" woaen is just what the N thrives on. No fear of attachment, closeness, etc. Your ex is probably holding onto this woman because deep down he believes she will not leave her husband. Even so, I know all too well how these things can turn ones stomache!
   lovedafraud