Hi Kheng,
I understand self esteem and self confidence are important and many people are hurt by a lack of either one in their lives. And I know you've struggled with this.
But I've found that part of understanding people and myself is to realize that no one has inner peace all the time and no one likes or is deeply proud of who they see in the mirror all the time.
Maybe being around Ns creates this impossible desire for super confidence or pride, or maybe it creates the illusion that everyone else is possesed of some super confidence you don't have. Everybody has their weaknesses and problems. Anybody who looks in the mirror and is deeply proud of themselves is, at the least, probably never going to improve and, at worst, a deluded egomaniac.
Maybe part of self acceptance is accepting that the people around you who seem so confident are just as screwy as you are. Maybe you don't have to overcome your own weaknesses as much as maybe stop overlooking everyone elses.
I know you're fairly young. Part of realizing just how similar and flawed the vast majority of people are comes with age.
Once you realize that just about everyone else is just as screwed up as you are its a lot easier to accept yourself just as you are.
Surely you know people whom like and accept despite their weaknesses and flaws. Why do you think you hold yourself to a higher standard?
Merry Christmas to you too.
mud
PS. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the most important thing. No I don't know of any book or article that will help. I'm sure there are many. But unfortunately the best textbooks are usually found in the school of hard knocks.
