Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

befuddled at jekyl and hyde

(1/2) > >>

annabelle:
Hi,

I'm now separated from my husband - living in my own place - working towards legal separation or divorce right now.  At first when I told my husband I was moving out and getting a job and going to be living in my own space and most definitely (with a teeny sliver of a chance not) going to seek divorce bc he was an N and had hurt me and the kids too much, he appeared sorry and caring, and even helped me move my stuff in a U-Haul.  We talked much about the plans moving forward and he seemed to indicate of course I would have primary custody of the kids - be primary caregiver.  Well when I got to my new place just over a week ago and he helped move me in, things changed immediately.  

He mainly started dictating, threatening, bullying, harrassing with phone calls and e-mail............ with regard to the kids and custody.  First, new to me, he said, "We'll take the kids 50-50.  I take them half the time, you the other."  (They are only 2 and 3 1/2)  Then, the night before Christmas Eve he declared he was taking the kids to his parents' house for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, when we had agreed to go Christmas Eve together for the kids and so we both could share in their excitement.  He told me that there was nothing I could do about it, and when I walked away from him with the kids, he said, come back here and let me kiss my kids goodnight, otherwise I'll present you with a court injunction for kidnapping or holding the kids hostage.  The next evening, Christmas Eve, he told me he would take the kids to his parents that evening and I could forget seeing them on Christmas Eve, (that night.)  Then, when I started packing their things, he said, "oh I'm so sorry, you deserve to be with them on Christmas Eve......" and hugged me, etc. etc. being so tender and penitent (all of a sudden.)  Through all this, he wouldn't let me use "our" car to drive the kids home to see my parents after his parents, as he said he needed the car for business.  When I said o.k. my parents are coming up to see me then, he called me a martyr and told me not to make such a big point of it.   It's like I couldn't get any response right - everything I did was wrong, while he screwed me to the wall!  Then after Christmas weekend, he announced he would be taking the kids full time because "You abandoned the relationship.  You left and you're not taking the kids with you."  When I said, no, it's my turn with the kids, he said "If you don't have the kids back here by 7pm, I'll serve you with a court injunction."  The next night, he told me that he would keep the kids full time, every night, and get a nanny to cover when he wasn't home.

The next day, today, he told me in an e-mail that he expected to see the kids every night, whether they slept at his house or mine, and that he expected the kids on weekends, from Friday night to Monday morning.  

At the same time, he kept writing e-mails asking me why I wasmaking this so hard and couldn't we make time to come to an agreement (when it was he who was dictating to me that he would have full custody of the kids. )  He twisted around his actions to pretend in an e-mail that I wasn't letting us cooperate on this!  (for his lawyer, I'm sure.)  The, tonight, he lets me keep the kids and says "may I see them for a little while?"  I say yes, and then let him up to my apartment to read them some stories at 7 pm, rather than making him stay in the lobby to read.  I tell him if he comes up, he is not to talk about us, that I do not have the emotional or mental energy to communicate with him due to his actions, but that I have to because of the kids.  Of course he comes up, ignores the kids for most of the time, pouts, starts crying, begs for a hug, says he's scared to be here, he feels he's in never never land, who can he talk to, he's so sorry, etc.  But in his e-mails he'd written that we both weren't handling things well, we both needed to communicate better, I was holding the kids hostage and changing the plans, his business was suffering bc I wasn't on time with the kids and changed the plans, etc.   I told him tonight I did not trust him and he'd hurt me very much and I felt like he was trying to take the kids away from me, but that I would hug him.  then, I didn't let him reach out again, even though he stood there (fake?) crying, seeking pity for HIM!  The perpetrator!  He was the victim yet once again, after he was doing the threatening, harrassing, etc.  

Help please, I feel soooooooooooooooooo confused, drained, hopeless, sorry for him, sorry for me.  I want to be non-litigious and work out custody and relate to him healthily for the sake of the kids, but now I truly feel I can't trust him and so I should do anything in my power to protect myself and the kids.  I'm just still finding it hard to believe someone could be that Jekyl and Hyde or that fake (with regard to the crying, false penitence, etc.)  Or, does he just not get the consequences of his actions, and does he see himself as the perpetual victim?

Elizabeth:
Annabelle,

First of all; good for you taking a stand and looking for a better life. You can feel proud of yourself for doing a brave thing in the light of crazy making relationship. You are doing ok! :wink:

Secondly; he is getting what he wants even now... toxic connection, which is better than no connection at all. It is going to be hard, because he wants it to be hard... especially if it is hard for him; it has to be made to be at least as hard for you.

You can do this thing... :D  For you, for your kids, for the sake of sanity and separateness. Decide what you can and cannot handle, set your boundaries and find out what your legal rights are with the kids. This whole thing is more about him holding on to you in his sick way than it is about what he wants concerning the kids.

Hang in there! You are not the confusing and crazy making one. This is his stuff being pushed off on you. Maybe you can take the kids away for a day and find some space to breath, to relax, to take care of you.

Elizabeth

Anonymous:
Annabelle,

You need an attorney. The visitation has to be put in writing. You can't do this ad hoc negotiating with a crazy man. You need a family law attorney, immediately.

Pat:
Hello Annabelle,

First I want to reiterate the last post - you need a lawyer asap!  I believe you're dealing with a powder keg that can barely contain himself from exploding.  (more on that later)

Congratulations - you are so courageous!  Having taken that giant step to getting out is SOOOOO big and you need to be acknowledged for that!  By now you have experienced how very difficult this is (I've had my own experience of this but before children).  The begging and pleading mixed in with the rage and accusing is very confusing.  My experience is that the rage is the underlying emotion and the other stuff is to try and keep you hooked into the relationship in any way possible.  I hope you are getting support from people who love you because you will need it.  

Having been through a similar situation I would like to offer any support that I can.  If you choose to, contact me at elladumas@hotmail.com  The idea that you can get through this without good legal support only serves one person, your husband.  He'll rage on whether you have a lawyer or not because he's losing control and that's all he sees right now.   In order to do the best you can for your children and yourself you need legal support.  

All the best to you,
Pat

hope2003:
I agree with the others. You need a lawyer immediately.  I have been where you are at--Dealing with, and divorcing a crazy person who twists everything around.  

You need somebody who can intercept this crazy behavior, and manage it better.  Plus, it will be documented if there is a custody fight.  

I know that you don't want to be litigious, but you probably won't have a choice.  You have one chance to get divorced and get custody, and you better do it right. Changing things after the fact is nearly impossible because the legal standards for modifications are very high.

I am a lawyer.  I am in the middle of a divorce.  I have small kids, just like you.  My ex is nuts.

Trust me and protect yourself.

You have lots of support.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page