Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
befuddled at jekyl and hyde
Anonymous:
dispassionately keep a record of everything- all the emails/ calls/ letters / threats etc.
Anonymous:
I am in your situation before you left- low level violence and working towards moving out for the second time. Can't believe I went back...
Well done for being brave and never trust him again to have your best interests in mind, no matter how convincing he is or how hard it gets- or he'll just manipulate you back to where he left off.
Acappella:
Hi Annabelle,
--- Quote ---I want to be non-litigious & work out custody & relate to him healthily for the sake of the kids
--- End quote ---
What is it you mean when you say "unhealthy"? :?: You clearly have some vision/reaction to the idea of legal representation.
:?: Who said litigious = unhealthy? (no i am not a lawyer :D ) Sounds like litigious = healthy in your situation (mine too when I get there). Lawyers fill a need, a gap in negotiation skills, in communications skills etc. despite their being the brunt of bad jokes.
Anyway, I so agree with the prior posts about protecting yourself & your children. (and if you must consider him then consider that not enabling his unhealthy tactics is protecting him too actually).
If you are like me you have been working to understand & doing so in the absence of his being even one tenth as CONSISTENTLY & ACTIVELY interested in understanding. If that is the case then i have a few things to say to you:
1) STOP. Take turns TAKE YOUR TURN - meaning take your turn to NOT focus on him. In addition to the wild & crazy self indulgence of twirling your spaghetti on a spoon PAMPER yourself, get some energy back..get a massage, go to an inspiring movie, buy your favorite tea & chocolate & a book. If I recall your husband was crazy controlling & to survive living with that I imagine you've never had much practice at letting yourself be freely & proudly. If that is true then he has undoubtedly depended on your self sacrifice & denial - he'll feed on it not because he lays awake at night trying to figure out ways to hurt you but because he is starved & knows no other way to try & nurish himself.
2) :?: ASK YOURSELF When you cannot do that then ask yourself why...is it guilt? fear? mourning? - Or all of those and/or something else that keeps you befuddled & trying to understand him? Guilt that you shouldn't ever stop trying if you love someone? If that is true then doesn't that apply to him too? Do you have an image of how a wife should be, a mom, a family that you feel responsible for alone? I have discovered that part of why I have been with a N traited man is that I found a sort of security in the image I had of how things SHOULD be - that is fine but when our protection becomes our prison it is like an over active immune system - when it no longer works in our favor then time to search for balance.
3) CONSIDER YOUSELF:?: Is the jekyl & hyde aka either or interpretation coming from you too? Meaning if you don't see the shade of gray between the black & white of his pleasing & punishing then he will seem like two extremes when in fact he is the same guy. I do that with my husband. It is with my own blinders when he is in pleasing mode or punishing mode that I create two extreme ideas of him & of course he gives me plenty of material for that!
--- Quote ---"It's such a fine line between a good man and a bad..." Jekyll & Hyde, The Musical.
--- End quote ---
It is the dichotomy that makes the line fine. Knowing this much about my husband (and thereby human nature in general) I found helpful: It isn't an either or thing...his tears may be very real AND, AND, & the way he is responding to the situation is also very real & very destructive to you, your children (and ultimately i imagine your husband). Your husband sounds to me like he is flailing (symptom of vulnerability) & using very hurtful tactics in response: jekyl & hyde. Some people, my husband with N traits for example, grew up in environments where bullying was an effective & mandated response to vulnerability so he became good at it & uses it habitually to survive. The more pressure they are under the more they resort to those strategies. Survival must now require something else of them or else why would they change? Change isn't easy so we all avoid it until we are highly motivated to. As long as he can use power to get any sort of control he will continue to go that direction is my guess. A good lawyer knows how NOT to cave into that behavior. My guess is he does feel victimized. (And why not if N types are enslaved to an false image not originally of their making?) & what is he doing about that other than blaming you? & that in no way justifies what he is doing to your children! I believe we enable them when we provide an environment that supports their destructive behavior.
3) REALIZE YOU ARE YOU NOT HIM so you will not ever totally "get it" about his behavior because that is not how your mind & heart works. And, you can gain understanding of the relationship without sacrificing protection - in fact with a sense of safety & sources with which to renew the energy he drains from you you will have more strength to get understanding of what happened.
4) YOU ARE YOU so why not believe your experience?
--- Quote ---finding it hard to believe
--- End quote ---
:?: If you believed it then what? You say that you "find it hard". That suggests to me that if you did then something bad would occur. For me I find it hard believe to believe it in part because I don't want to face that people can act that way & that someone in my life can & I don't want to because I don't feel equipped to survive that harsh reality. Of course there are lots of reasons, but love was eclipsed long ago & now it is fear mostly that keeps me ignorant & befuddled.
You have done so well getting out & on your own & I hope you get support & protection for all of the courageous & difficult work you have done - neither should be a threat to anyone who is capable of truly caring about you & neither IS a threat, both are necessary for a whole family.
As you can read from all of these posts, our hearts & thoughts are with you.
annabelle:
Hi Everyone,
Thank you so much for the kind and inspiring and reality providing words and thoughts. I haven't been on the board in a while because I'm a little nervous about posting too much right now - I told my husband about the board - mistakenly - to let him know how much it's helped me and maybe thinking he could read what Nism does to people - but duh, I didn't realize while I was saying this that he would be able to read what I'd written. Plus, do we really want an N reading the board? What was I thinking? I was trying to reach out to him to give him the experience I've received - the help from firsthand experiences. I don't know if he remembered the link or not, or if he's been on this board but he did promise me that he would respect my privacy after I told him I was mistaken in telling him about the board, and please not to go on it. However, a promise from a Narcissist is nothing.
Anyway, I would love to write more as things progress and i feel more comfortable jumping back on it under perhaps his eyes too. Basically I don't care if he reads what I've wrote - I haven't withheld anything I've said on this message board to him. I just don't want him to know how things are being handled on my end.
You say I'm strong for leaving. But I don't know if I'd have been able to leave without the support from all of you. Unbelievable. I've never met you but have shared so much with you and have learned so much, too. Thank you. I'll be lurking and responding to others' posts and will update you on my crap/soap opera/drama that is life with an N, when I can.
Peace to all.
Annabelle
CC:
Annabelle - the irony that is truth -
Sometimes when we are being the strongest ever, we feel the weakest and most vulnerable. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, and believe me, you are stronger than ever.
Love, CC
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