I'm learning here, so please bear with me. Are any of the following phrases typical of the N you know? These are phrases I've heard over and over growing up and throughout the years. I'm not real sure if my parents are N, or if one is and the other isn't (but is enabling)...I'm trying to feel out what's normal and what's not--what might be considered N and what wouldn't; some of these, I realize, really depend on the situation so it's hard to know. But in general, I just can't tell what's normal behavior and what's not, I'm so used to this way of thinking--I haven't adopted it, but I easily accept these phrases, even though some just sound ridiculous and cruel (sister and law helps point out the craziness where I can no longer see it).. BTW, Why is it so hard to know??? These are some favorite sayings in my family:
If you're losing the game, change the rules (on a T-shirt my Dad likes to wear).
(Also, you should know my Dad is a huge flirt and will try to get attention from any attractive woman, from the age of 10 to about 52--my Mom doesn't typically worry or care about his flirting, either--she says, "if I thought he was serious, I'd have left him years ago." Also, he's an instructor so she says--Yes, the girls Fawn over him, they can't help it - like she's proud of it too. He bakes his students cookies, and tries to gain their approval---some love him too-- he gets them on his good side, I think, by being the rebel and always telling jokes. Sometimes I think he goes too far, though--often I think his jokes are demeaning towards woman. Oh - He sends my sister-in-law cards telling her how beautiful she is (she is attractive)).
You should brag a little about your accomplishments (to others outside the family)-Mom.
Family occasions/holidays are for FAMILY-Mom, emphatically. (We're not supposed to invite friends, although my parents are exempt from their own rules--also, I always felt growing up my parents didn't want me to be influenced by anyone else--friends or other adults--so I was taught to Be Careful, people are dangerous. I had a basic distrust of others for a long time I think, for this reason).
You're too independent -Mom, when I was in highschool, over and over.
You need to do what I say-Mom
You need to stop thinking for yourself. -M
You're going to get fat when you're old. -M
You need to stop letting your friends influence you. -M and D
You need to stop letting (ex H) tell you what to do. -M
You need to stop letting (ex H's parents) influence you. -M and D
We should be your favorite. -M and D
We're your favorite, right? (of the two sets of parents between me and my now ex-H) -D
You don't want to get married in the church do you? You two don't go to church- D (we did regularly, I'm not sure why he was clueless when it came to this--later he denied ever saying this to us).
Your friends are jerks -Dad
You don't ever bring your friends over here - Mom
All members of organized religions are hypocrites- Dad
We don't believe in going to church. M and D
When the counselor told my dad, "you know the phrase: treat others as you'd expect to be treated," ? My Father replied --well, we wouldn't say it That Way in our family.
That's not how Our family would say it - either parent.
That's not how we would say it in Our family - either parent..
That's not what we think/believe - either
Go out there and show em you're better than the rest of them! both
You need to be more aggressive (in sports). both
(Once when I complained about a couch not letting me play the position I wanted to) - They can't say that to My kid. I'm having a talk with [that person] to straighten them out. (D went and talked to the couch and the next thing I knew I was playing 2nd base. The couch humiliated me in front of all the other kids though later, by pointing out, angrily, that Somebody's parent complained they weren't playing 2nd base, and they Had to Have what they wanted-so they got it).
Not phrases, but actions:
Vehnemently sticking up for one's kids, even though they've acted rudely. Encouraging this behavior, in fact.
Giving the kids permission to do things that were morally wrong if it benefited them.
Discouraging religious beliefs.
Discouraging "church"
Lying to get out of legal trouble, although the kids witnessed the truth. Later stating "that's what really happened (right)?"..telling the false version so many times that we believed it--
Seeming proud of intimidating others.
Looking up to a grandfather that 'was a mean old bastard and everyone hated him' -D
Seeming proud that they need no one else (financially) both
Obsessing over not being a "burden to anyone when they're old--I don't want to be in a nursing home, I'd rather die than be stuck in a nursing home" -D
Threatening to go on a hike and never come back, when his time came -D
Giving their kids praise if one of them did something outrageous in the name of "not taking any crap."
Looking down on "wimps" - F
Constantly calling others wimpy -D
If you started to cry, as a child my Dad would get very angry
If you complained everyone in the family was selfish, D would get angry too
Never admitting you'd need psychological help (that would be a weakness) - F
Father described counseling with Mom once as "it's like getting a tuneup--you know, every once in awhile we go get straightened" (this seemed funny to me, but I could tell he was uncomfortable admitting he even went)
Father belittled my Mom all the time
Father tried to get the kids to like him better than Mom (by being the funny one and not the disciplinarian)
Mom often raged about "why do I always have to be the bad guy?!" (she meant in the family, not of the two of them)
Father always said that he was "the smart one, she's the dummy" about Mom
Father didn't ever let mother get a job although she completed a couple degrees (Mom said he didn't want her to).
Said: don't thank God for the food on this table, thank me - F
Father yelled at us kids for not remembering Mom's birthday and getting her a gift ahead of time. Said "her birthday is the same day every year. Don't ever forget it and don't be late!"
Mom raged often about "not getting what she wanted out of life--not getting to do what she wanted to do" - called the kids "worthless brats" - all the time. It was like a broken record in our house.
Saying we didn't deserve things- M
Fighting/bickering, constantly between my parents (one always seeking to control every little move the other made). To the point that both became OCD.
Being OCD, not letting you ever finish a sentence, no matter now important without interrupting you with some Really important detail like - Get a plate! I hate it when you drop crumbs on the counter like that. -M
Flipping out (I mean angry yelling) when I leave a coffee cup in the sink rather than put it away while visiting.
Flipping out if you dont' "wipe up the counter" after you eat
Being told through the grapevine that "I came over only because I wanted something" - my sisters, over and over and over, told me this I think they believed it too--after hearing it from my parents so many times.
No matter what I did to seem interested, act like I cared, go out of my way to do for others in my family--always being accused of selfishness (finally admitting I was and I had to be to survive!)
Being accused of "only thinking of yourself" - Mother
Being accused of "it's all about your [now exH]" - my sister, after talking with Mom, I assume-- when I didn't go to her wedding for hear I'd make her look stupid
Being accused that, you never think about anyone but yourself!
Yelling, everyday.
Being called a B--ch when I was cranky, or didn't want to give my Dad a kiss
Don't be such a B--ch! Father to me when I was a little girl
Setting unrealistically high standards of women--like: they have to be both beautiful and highly competent. When the movie Top Gun came out, my Dad asked me--so, are you going to be the first woman fighter pilot?
Later stating that "more and more women are finding out their careers aren't as satisfying as they thought, and they're giving them up for children" (if I had asked my Dad a specific question and he had replied, thinking of me--this would have been different. But you have to undrestand the context of all of these comments are--me, sitting there unsoliciting anything from anyone...them, spouting off about whoever/whenever, all the time!)
Constantly comparing everyone to everyone else- their weight, purported intelligence, whether they're successful or not, if they make good money or not, whether they've graduated in 4 years or not, whether they're using their degree or not..whether they're married, if my N. parents like their spouse, or their spouse's parents...
Constantly making comments about the unfortunate events of others--not in a good way, either. Like: her mother is bipolar. She used to weigh 250 pounds. She can't keep a boyfriend. I wonder if her boyfriend gave her VD... etc.
Constantly judging everyone - saying well "We Like Them or We don't like [whoever]" (always giving some strange reason why like--they broke so and so up, or they're selfish, or whatever)--not what you'd expect though, like: because they're good for you, because I can see you two are happy together, because they're honest and hardworking, etc
Emphatically insisting they're friends with their kids spouses parents, but pointing out every detail about them they think is "wrong" --ie, they're lazy, they watch too much TV, they're always eating, whatever
boy, I could keep going
