Am I becoming my mother?

[relewich]

I'm new to the board and have only just begun to understand my N mother.  I'm an only child and was always close to my mother although our relationship has never been easy.  My husband has pointed out several things about me that remind him of my mother and I'm terrified that I'll turn out like her, or worse, I'm already like her and don't know it...  Am I alone?  Any suggestions of books or other sources of information that might help?

Thanks so much!

[miss piggy]

Hello Relewich,

Welcome to the board.  It's hard to tell what's going on since there are not many specifics about how you resemble your mom, or when or why your H is pointing this out to you...

Post more if you want, or plug "narcissistic personality disorder" in your google bar.  We're hear to listen if you would like to post more.

MP

[Sallying Forth]

Read the book Children of the Self-Absorbed and you should be able to tell if that fits you.

Most likely if you are here asking, you probably are not N but have N traits. And you can pick up a lot of Nish behaviors from your Nparent and not be N. I had a lot but that didn't make me N. You can also be highly N-traited. However that still doesn't make one a N.

And then there is healthy narcissism. Do some research into the subject before jumping off the deep end and allowing your husband to define you.

Here's an overview of NPD:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pattern of self-centered or egotistical behavior which shows up in thinking and behavior in many different situations and activities. It interfers with functioning in their occupations and relationships.
1.  An exaggerated sense of self-importance.
2.  Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brillance, beauty, or ideal love.
3.  Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
4.  Requires excessive admiration.
5.  Has a sense of entitlement.
6.  Selfishly advantage of others to achieve his own ends.
7.  Lacks empathy.
8.  Often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him.
9.  Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes.

NPD isn't about a single trait or a couple of traits, rather a cluster of behaviors presented over a period of time.

[Portia]

Hi relewich, what is your mother like and what are you like? Pick on the stuff you hate first. What do you dislike about her? About yourself?
Do you see any similarities? Differences?

Do you agree with your husband’s observations?

There’s lots of space here if you want to talk!

[relewich]

Thank you to Portia, Sallying Forth and miss piggy for responding to my post! 

I don't even know where to start!  My mother has so many of the traits mentioned by Sallying Forth.  She has a extreme need for admiration and always finds ways to talk about herself.  She is a high level hospital administrator and will spend hours talking to me about things I clearly don't understand (I have no experience or involvement in health care).  She's been told by her employees that they see her as a bully and in her eyes I think she sees this as something to be proud of, she says she "won't take crap" from anybody and if someone can't deal with that they can "fuck off". 

Nothing is ever good enough for my mother, if we go out to dinner, something is always wrong with our table, the food or the service.  She things people are cheating her out of what she deserves.  She paints herself as a victim, IE. no one understands her, no one knows what she has to deal with, her life is so complicated. 

Recently, things at her job have been complicated and in a fit of fury she quit.  She told my father and I that they would beg for her to come back but the next day a letter from the hospital was FedEx to her and they accepted her resignation.

I'd say she fits everything on Sallying Forth's list except lacking empathy.  My mother is a very sympathetic person, at least outwardly.  I think that's a good start. 

Thanks again to all of you for your support and caring!

[Marta]

I'd say she fits everything on Sallying Forth's list except lacking empathy.  My mother is a very sympathetic person, at least outwardly.  I think that's a good start.

This one is a good place to start your explortation.

Relewich, KEY trait of an N is lack of empathy, everything else follows from that. There is however a great difference between outward empathy (which Ns are very good at, since they are masters of disguise, and true empathy) Suppose your mother did something that really hurt you and you confronted her. How would she react? Does she ever say sorry or admit her mistakes? Can you give an example when she reacted empathetically to someone? Did she gain anything out of it, most importantly power or prestige?

[mimi]

Read the book Children of the Self-Absorbed and you should be able to tell if that fits you.

Most likely if you are here asking, you probably are not N but have N traits. And you can pick up a lot of Nish behaviors from your Nparent and not be N. I had a lot but that didn't make me N. You can also be highly N-traited. However that still doesn't make one a N.

And then there is healthy narcissism. Do some research into the subject before jumping off the deep end and allowing your husband to define you.

Here's an overview of NPD:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pattern of self-centered or egotistical behavior which shows up in thinking and behavior in many different situations and activities. It interfers with functioning in their occupations and relationships.
1.  An exaggerated sense of self-importance.
2.  Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brillance, beauty, or ideal love.
3.  Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
4.  Requires excessive admiration.
5.  Has a sense of entitlement.
6.  Selfishly advantage of others to achieve his own ends.
7.  Lacks empathy.
8.  Often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him.
9.  Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes.

NPD isn't about a single trait or a couple of traits, rather a cluster of behaviors presented over a period of time.

[mimi]

Hello everyone! Im new to the board as well and have read alot of your responses. What a great place to be, never new something like this exisited. I have asked myself that same question for YEARS. Am I going to turn out like my mother or am I already like her? most people tell me that considering where i come from i have a developed my own personality with my own morals and values but then again I see that i have traits like her sometimes. I just hope its not often..... I absolutly feel sick when i think of that. My mother has always been a VERY selfish person, but generous with shopping, or materialistic stuff. My brother and I played counselor for both my mom and dad, but more so my mom, throughout their divorce when we were 5 & 6. It went on for years afterwards and I still find myself on the phone with  my mom everyday listening to her ramble on and on about her work, men, money, her appreance or gossip about movie stars. About 75% bores me to death and I have not much advice anymore because I already gave it all up. Alot of times I turn off my phone or just dont answer but feel bad for her. When I have a problem which really upsets me (like when my cat got hit by a car, or when I took my RE test and was nervous, or when someone pulled out in front of my car and hit me so hard it totaled my whole car, her basic attitude was to get over it within a couple hours. I know she thinks talking about herself will make me feel better but it just makes me feel like no one is listening and I have this problem all the time. Its about her work, her current guy, or her problems. She is a office manager and cant stand it when someone treats her like she isnt that. She always says "so and so is such a bitch and so jealous of me", or "I wore a cute skirt or shirt and everyone was looking at me and george said "oh you look good in that". I honestly dont know why I need to know about every single one of her compliments she recieves. She also emails me her horoscope or people  telling her "thanks for settting up this and that". Which is all the time. Its like she is trying to convience me of what a great person she is.
The way we grew up was very emotionally challenging. Their was no voice and she was an extreme perfectionist who was never happy with alot of things we did. I remember her loving my brother much more than I, and she was much harder on me. I had trouble concentrating in school and problems with depression later on, which was always dismissed as to start a hobbie or workout. She would go from guy to guy and get upset when It didnt turn into a relationship after they had sex. She works out constantly, shops, and is obsessively clean with her house and car. Extremely organized and bossy.Mean spirited alot and thinks shes better than almost everyone. Shes very taken back by someone when they have money or a good job.

 When i had problems i would lock myself in my room and never talked about it because that was forbidden that we had problems. I finally moved in with my alcholic father (which to tell you the truth was like being free finally), and just hung out with as many friends as possible. When I graduated from HS, I dont remember her saying what interests you or what do you want to go to school for? No direction.No offers for anything materalistic or emotional.
 Im now 26 and Ive had bulimia for 8 years-on and off. Sometimes I just want to blame her for everything thats wrong with me- like my brother, but I know thats so wrong. My bother hates my mom and calls her a slut and he doesnt want to do anything anymore but go to friends houses or in and out of shelters.He would rather be homeless than live with her, and sometimes I dont blame him. She has moved on after trying to force him to get a job.She dosent ask him whats upsetting him, she just demands.Their has very seldom been compassion, listening, unconditional love, support, and respect from her. Its always a put down or that we could have done better. Im tired and worn out and stuck I feel. In a cycle. My boyfriend(of 5yrs who she always puts down) tells me shes crazy. My best friend thought the same.My father thinks the same. She can never keep a boyfriend for long- isnt this telling? But when I tell her the way she upsets me (in a mature nice way), she tells me Im being to sensitive or she gets defensive. She also always runs over what Im explaining to her when It has to do with someone emotionally sad that Im going through. I guess my first question is- Am I blowing this out of proportion or does this seem like a narssistic mother to you? And please let me know if I seem narssistic. Sorry for writing so much I am upset right now 
Thank You and Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

[Hopalong]

I feel cranky, can I take it out on your husband?
Take this with a grain of bah humbug, and please know I know I don't know him!

So, just letting him stand in for various unempathetic people...I say to him (probably projecting like crazy)--please BUZZ OFF, and DON'T COMPARE ME TO MY MOTHER.

Chances are, every human being walking has some mannerisms, habits or ways of being and reacting that resemble either or both of their parents.

That does not mean you are BECOMING anybody but yourself, and it's immature, in my cranky Xmas Eve opinion, to use that particular slam. It hurts, especially if he knows how you feel about her.

Sorrry, but it's a below the belt insult. (I got the same one at times and it hurt me in a very vulnerable place, that's why I'm being so hissy about it.)

You can't become anyone but yourself, and being conscious and alert as you are, your becoming is going to be somebody who's just fine.

Hopalong

[Plucky]

Hi Relelwich,
I am no expert but your mum sounds totally N to me.   And you're not.
Maybe you can give your SO a chance to hear how bad that comparison made you feel.  After that, there is no excuse for making it again.
I advise you to read around on this board.  There are lots of commonalities among N survivors.  It helps you to relax to see that all is not you, nor your interpretation of things.  It is a real disorder and many have it.  It takes time and knowledge to recover (I mean you).
I hope you feel better soon.
Plucky

[marie]

Dear Relewich,

I do also think that your mother is a N.  My mother when she did work always seem to be getting in to a fight with someone.  She was never happy at work and she always felt like they were picking on her.  In fact if you are not agree with her she is mad and she doesn't like you.  All is fare in her world as long as she is in control and everyone is her puppet and agree along with her. 

I am so glad that I am not my mother.  Thank god I am more like my father and my mother hates that about me.  She thinks that I love my dad more than her.  It is not that I love my dad more it is that my dad is not a N and he doesn't expect everything to be his way.

I do, do thing that remind myself of her and I instantly quit.  I never want to be like her.  I have told myself over and over that I will never be like her ever.

Marie