i need help support and advice :(

[darky]

i have an "n" mum, she disowned me and my sister 2 years ago. ive been trying to support my sister for the past two years whilst she has struggled with ocd,bullimia,self harm, depression, alchoholism. im finaly broken and dont know what to do.
i was woken up last night at 1am by my estranged brother in law telling me my beloved sister had been raped. i was cold, but what is worse is my doubts that she was attacked at all.

my sister went to our local social club,drunk, and had written a suicide note to my estranged enabler/co dependant/"n" sister. it was reported she collasped in the tiolet of the club and when my estranged sister didnt respond, she suddenly jumped up back out to the bar and demanded another drink, she was refused, she hurled abuse at our estranged sister and walked out to the car park, where she is reported to have collapsed again. people were all stood round wondering whether to call the police, but my estranged sis, said no, she just wants atttention.

nothing was heard from my sister until this alleged "rape" took place. the police have been called and its being delt with.

problem is i hate myself right now for not believeing my sister that she was attacked! how could i?? thing is i know in the past my sister has lied about being beaten, and actualy given herself black eyes, she is agressive and unpredictable and i cant help thinking its the same this time.

im lost, im beaten and im broken. ive lost my mum too, i am dealing with that. im trying to deal with my sister to who has three beautiful children who do not deserve to be dragged into all this. im fed up, ive been like a nervous wreck today and i just havnt been able to face my sister. im scared i might see shes lying to me and i cant cope with that and i cant cope with the fact she might actualy be telling the truth.
i dont know whats real and whats not now. i just feel sick and my stomach is just burning and turning over and over. i really feel i cant take anymore

[Hopalong]

Darky, how awful.
What about if instead of agonizing over whether you can believe her, you try to make your judgment only based on what experts say the evidence shows (hopefully, she was examined, in which case they can tell forensicallly what is consensual and what was rape). It's completely understandable that you are tortured about not being able to trust her, with her history of damaging herself. So don't attack yourself for your doubts.

She could be a rape victim or not a rape victim, but in either case she is mentally ill. (And mentally ill people can get raped.)

She is horribly wounded either way and what a desperate time you've had trying to deal with it.
I am very sorry. I think it's really important to understand that YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON BECAUSE YOU DOUBT HER. Mental illness and severe instability DO cause others to doubt, and even if that proves incorrect, there is nothing bad about you for having approached it with doubt at first.

What an understandable response that would be.

I think you urgently need some help in getting more emotional detachment from her. That does not mean no longer loving her. It means loving her with more detachment. And you need help to do that, I think.

You sound kind of enmeshed with her and her troubles are dragging you down too.

For her sake, especially your children's, and your own...I think you need to make a decision that it's not going to be high drama love for you any more. It may be the sad love of a grownup for an abused child. There is tragedy here, but you can extract yourself enough to find sanity.

You would not prove your love, nor prove what a good sister is, by joining her in despair and irrationality. If she has been raped, we need a grownup around. If she has not been raped, we need a grownup around.

And you need help, to save YOURSELF from being permanently infected by her pain and chaos.

You have have profound love and compassion for someone WITHOUT JOINING THEM IN THEIR VIEW OF LIFE.  You can have profound love and compassion for someone WITHOUT ACCEPTING THEIR STORY AS YOUR OWN STORY.

I think you need your own story, Darky. I think you need urgently to find some regular source of counseling and support.

Can you? What resources can you turn to so you're not trying to cope with all this alone? If you get involved, deeply involved, with a process of healing yourself, you'll be better off. And so will she. And so will her children.

Don't go crazy too.

Hopalong

[write]

well, maybe this isn't your lesson to learn but your sister's: crying wolf ( or rape ) as an attention-seeking gesture is a sure-fire way of getting less or no attention when you need it.

Trust is a basic in relationships, but easily fragmented and as in your case- destroyed.

Let the police etc deal with the rape aspect- a shocking thing to even think about.
Let other people provide that support, there is a program.

Your nerves were already frayed and the best thing you can do for your sister is take care of yourself for now.
Keep a healthy distance, send flowers or a note or something if you want to let her know you're thinking about her; she clearly has a number of problems whether or not she was assaulted.

Start right now in taking care of yourself- a calm evening, cook a meal, a walk...you will help no one if you fall apart, least yourself.

I found therapy a really good start to changing my life.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Plucky]

Hi D,
You feel guilty because in the past, any woman would be doubted when charging rape, because of the general devalution of women's voices and the assumption that women were property with only the boundaries that could be enforced by men.  A heinous situation.

This is really not the same thing at all.  It is still possible to fake rape, or any other crime.  And you have some reasons for your doubts.  I would advise looking into it and forming your own opinion, but don't let your sister have any inkling that you are doubting her.  If it is true, this would retraumatise her.

Stop beating up on yourself and just see what's what.
Plucky

[Marta]

Darky,

It is legitimate to have doubts, but don't jump to any conclusions. Like Plucky said, look into evidence and form your own judgments. This is pretty serious because if your sis is lying about a criminal charge, then (a) she is putting herslef in serious jeopardy, (b) some innocent person may end up paying a price for this. Don't feel bad about doubting your sis, I'd feel the same in your place. Of course she may have genuinely been raped. I think it would be fairly easy for you to make out if she's lying -- inconsisten stories, facial expressions, over acting etc.

How many sisters do you have? Who's the one with three beautiful children? Which is the N sister--the rape victim or the estranged sister? Is she estranged from you as well? What was she doing in the bar?

Take care. If you are your sister's primary caretaker, then this must be very hard on you.

Marta

[bean as guest]

darky dear,
take a deep breath.  Take several deep breaths.  Hold yourself.  It's OK to feel pain.  Think of others, on this board and not the craziness that is your life right now.  It is very important for you to think your way out of this situation, but that can't happen until you calm down--until later.

I want you to just find a quiet place, try to stay calm, try to breath deep, measured breaths and think about something that brings you happiness (I think of petting my dog). 

You are in a crisis but it sounds like your life may have actually turned into a constant crisis scenario.  You need to be strong for yourself, but also for those 3 beautiful kids.  It's OK all the feelings you're having.  No need to hate yourself for feelings, they all normal and all OK...