Easy,
Just some various streams of consciousness type thoughts here, in case anything hits any buttons that might help clarify...
I was just re-reading your first post and saw the part where she told you she did not feel as committed as you do. It seems like this is a place to take a few steps back. One of my least favorite feelings in a relationship is when the feelings of commitment are not mutual.
It also strikes me that she is always making decisions based on whether it will hurt other people's feelings. This kind of bothers me. I mean, I don't want to do things to hurt other people's feelings, but when I go to someone's party or whatever anyone who really knows me knows that I am only there because I WANT to be there -- and not because I felt obligated to go so that I wouldn't hurt someone's feelings. If I can't make it to a party given by a friend I care about, i just make a point to say something to let them know I care about them.
I believe in the Golden Rule: treating others as you would like to be treated. Would I want people to come to my party, or stay longer, just so they won't hurt my feelings? NO! That is very patronizing and it would feel kind of condescending to me. I want them to be there because that is where they want to be -- and I also want them to feel free to leave early or not show up at all if there is something else they really would rather being doing.
The other thing I notice is that she is speaking all the time of not inconveniencing others while she does not seem to worry about inconveniencing you. I think it may be her need to have a little bit more distance from you -- and/or she may be feeling overwhelmed by feeling so many obligations to so many different people and see you as yet another obligation that she doesn't want to add to the mix just yet.
But for me, I don't want anybody around because s/he feels obligated. I want them around because being with me that moment in time is where they want to be.
All that said, it would really bother me for someone to make me feel as if I was repeatedly being set up for disappointment. I would ask myself, "Was I reading more commitment into our plans than was really there? She worries so much about hurting other people's feelings. She does not seem to have been worrying about hurting my feelings. What is this about?"
I don't see anything wrong with her not trying to get you invited to her birthday dinner with her kids, but if I were in a committed relationship with a man who has Saturdays as his date night and we had already talked about sharing that time together then I would tell my kids I need the dinner to be early enough or late enough that I could see you too -- before or after. Once I told them this, they could, if they wanted, invited my man to join us at the birthday dinner -- that or accept that I need to split my time with them and him.
Another thing that stands out to me is her catering to 'not hurting other people's feelings'. I thought it was kind of strange that she would feel she had to stay at M's party the entire evening in order not to hurt M's feelings. To me, it makes it seem that she is not her own person -- that she allows others to manipulate her emotionally. That, or she is not being honest with me that she really just doesn't like going out dancing as much as I do and is using other plans as excuses to get out of it.
Personally, I could not stand to have a significant other that was not his own person -- i.e., someone who was driven by the emotional or mental manipulations of others. I think a person who truly is a ball of taffy being pulled between this person and that all the time is not with a strong sense of self, is not in touch with his or her own core. I feel it is only someone who is their own person and in touch with their core that can truly sustain a healthy relationship with sharing and give and take.
Like I said, just some thoughts. Hope it helps.
