Need to comisserate here...about servere "training" by nDad

[Will.i.am]

Did you're N ever try to "severely train" you, like Dr. Grossman wrote about? My dad did.  It took the efforts of me and my mom to really buffer him away from me during high school and college. When I was a kid, he said he wished that I would be his "little profesor".  Now that I'm older and seeing how emotionally retarded he is, I can't believe someone would say that to a kid.  I am quite smart but dealling with my dad (sometimes not well) has brought me to a path of healing my short attention span.

My favourite motto was that "without me, you're going to fail." I think he wanted make me a carbon copy of himself, albeit a more successful one.  He had apirations of being a doctor (? can you believe it0 but he found work as an electrician. Graduated tops in his class but he alway hung it over my head. Sad.

Right now I'm dealing with a lot of self-confidence issues. Struggling with the belief that I don't have to be anything other than who I am to succeed in this world. That I am good enough.

On a side note, have you ever noticed how Ns never seem to age. My dad still looks like he's 19 even though he's in his 60s'. Emotionally he's a kid however.

THoughts and encouragement would be appreciated.

[Hopalong]

William,

YES you are good enough.
I hope you have a counselor...if not, go tell them everything you just said to us.
I'm so sorry.
Men can be so terribly hard on their sons.
You can heal this damage...but it would make so much sense to get help with it.

Save yourself decades of hurt. Work through it with a safe and wise and compassionate therapist, is my advice. And keep posting here!

(My mom looked like she was 65 when she was 85. Yup.)

Hopalong

[Surrounded]

Absolutely weird about the agelessness.  The first website I started reading about N's said they don't seem to age.  My mom is now 77.  At 70 she looked 50. She has had very minimal health problems.  And she didn't go grey until about 60 or so either.  The theory on this site suggests that a possible reason for this is they have not really LIVED their lifetime.  They have spent a lifetime in la-la land so to speak.  I believe this, my mom actually told me when she about 70 that she still felt like a kid inside.  I didn't realize it at the time, but that statement speaks volumes now.

"Without me, you're going to fail!"  Sounds like a statement my N husband likes to tell my kids a lot.  And if they don't respond correctly he withdraws completely in a pout mode.  "After all I have done for you!"  or "Fine, then I just won't help at ALL!"  Hot or cold.  Black or white.  It is indeed frustrating to watch, I can only imagine how it feels.  You are way ahead of the game if you have figured it out at what sounds like a younger age than most.  Just keep reading or posting, you will figure him out and feel lots better.

My parents???  "Oh, who are you?  You're still here??  What was your name again??"   ETC!!   As long as I behaved they left me alone.  VERY alone. 

Have a good one!

[Plucky]

Hi William,
Healing from what you have experienced is a process and the important thing is to keep it going.  You are progressing.  I think that reading up on the effects on you, some of which you are aware of and others probably not, is a good thing.  Therapy is a good thing too if it works out.

Ns are like Dorian Gray.  Except that the portrait in the attic is actually the relationship with their 'loved ones'.  It grows more and more twisted and ugly every time they open their mouths.

Plucky