Support Group

[Marta]

Folks, I have news.

I see two types of people on this message board. First, who think that we grow through our interpersonal conflicts on the board, and this is how we work on our stuff. Second, who think that we need a safe harbor and less interpersonal pressures, more trust and more safety. I belong to the second group.

Therefore I have decided to start a Google support group for those of us who belong in the second category, to provide a place where we can come and hang our stuff, without having to worry about whether I smiled the right way or waved my cyberhand to you or not, whether I should bring my sword or not. It will focus on HEALING, rather than rehashing the same old same old, without the pressure of being overly careful about interpersonal issues. 

It will be an unlisted, private group where only invited members can sign on, post and read. All members will be from this message board only, absolutely no outsiders, so it will be folks who know each other already and N filters will be firmly in place. Because it will be a private group, its website or the posts will not show up in Yahoo/Google searches, and can be deleted by members at wish. Although members will have the option to subscribe through email, all will be requested to subscribe to the web version only to protect privacy.

In addition to our usual enticing N discussions, I also see it as a place where we can share what happened at work, recipes, discuss movies, pop in to cheer up on a bad day-- a kind of a go happy lounge really. Definitely not a place where you will be attacked, or see someone else be attacked.

It will be similar to our current board, with one strong additional covenant. It will be understood that members will not air their interpersonal differences online but work out between themselves as they arise, hopefully not arise. They will also maintain a healthy respect of each other's boundaries instead of acting out, which means you can't say anything you won't say to your coworker if you are mad. I think this will accomplish two things: (a) As we thrash out our differences individually, without a wide audience, we will really begin to communicate a lot better and it will promote a healthier atmosphere. (b) We will really learn to be close to each other without violating each other, as we did not learn in our family. When someone does not smile, we will learn to think that she may be had a bad day, instead of throwing a tantrum and feeling that we are entitled to it, in the name of "voicing our truth." This way, even old friends may form new friendships.

There will be no moderators, we will all moderate ourselves... And we can all take turns in being administrator of the group each month.

It will not be a substitute to this board, the mother of all boards, where we will all belong, but rather an add on, a place to destress, feel snuggly and cheer up, if you will. So if you want to join, send me a PM with your google ID, and I will send you an invite by next week. 

Peace, Marta 

[Sela]

Hi Marta:

I see two types of people on this message board.

This makes me wonder which category you've decided I fit into?

Am I invited to your group?  Or might you turn me away, reject my application, if I were to pm you?

Sela

[mum]

Sela. I get what you are saying, and it's kind of humorous. I wonder the same thing when I am feeling spunky.
But I think Marta is trying to be supportive, not exclusive. At least I will choose to give her the benefit of the doubt here.

[movinon]

But Marta, you are being exclusive.  What if you don't like what someone says?  What if someone comes in under the radar?

Don't you realize YOU are being passively-agressively attacking by even putting this thread up (I want YOU, but NOt you or you - na na na na na)

A world with NO CONFLICT

Yeah, good luck with that.

[Sela]

To be honest, I think I'm asking a perfectly ligitimate couple of quesitons?
I'd really like to know.

And  I'm patiently waiting for your answers Marla.

Hey Mum!  Glad to make you smile any day any how! (assuming you smiled when you perceived something humorous).

The great thing about smiling......it's free!!  And I love free stuff!!!!

Sela

[write]

I think I already said this I think- but I do feel a great deal of therapy is really learning how to deal with attacks on the self or what feel like attacks on the self.

I personally have learned a lot about myself when I have felt ignored, or misunderstood, or upset etc.

And often- it's been about my pain and my past colouring what I see or hear.
I've had to learn to set a boundary and only take on what I can, and just as with real life- put aside the rest.

I like these quotes:

'sufficient unto the day are the evils therein'....

'Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.'

Good luck with your group Marta, and be open to whatever happens there as a learning/growing experience.

That's what I've learned so far anyway.

( Another joseph Campbell quote: 'We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.' )

[Support]

Marta,
It seems a little strange to me that you want [missing] people to remain on this board ...for who's sake, yours or theirs?    I personally will always wish well for the people here, and that they get better, so they won't have to post here as often or maybe never again...also some other things you've said that seem strange to me are cut and pasted below...I think it's strange that you speak of your friends here and you end with Love Marta or xoxoxox, which seems overly personal for this board.  And some N spots of yours are that you like to tell people whether they are good or nice, or if you like them.  and you don't express your feelings very well and then you say youve been PUNCHED.  But I still think your a good person...you probably just need to find a good T

Love, Support


Where is _____, _______, and what happened to ________?

Xoxoxoxo, Marta

Often, once you get to know a person, you'll like them and get used to the tone, as you realize that its not intentionally hurtful, it stops bothering.

just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I don't like you! I like you, quite a lot!


I miss you!

Love, Marta

but they by no means make me think any less of you.

Love, Marta

You are different from the rest of us in this respect.
Love, Marta

Kudos to our very own tigress!!!

Love, Marta

Your comments to me are a non-issue.
I have neither left nor do I intend to leave anytime soon, at least not without telling my friends.

I love this board

Do stay in touch.
Marta

I care as much about what happens to some of you, especially Plucky, as I care about my real life friends.

many hugs to you. Love, Marta

that doesn't seem like an N litmus test-- that could describe any of us, certainly me five years ago at any rate.

Oh no, ... I know that you are ____, which is why I used you as an example.

What is right for ______ or ______ or Marta may not be right for _______

It is cute to say that we are all friends, best friends, whatever. In reality, one fine day I can just leave without turning back, and no one will know where I am or what happened to me -- as has happened with so many other members since I joined this board. What then happens to those I swore were my friends?

I am actually a very loving and giving person who LOVES to make others feel good and loved.

I remember someone once told me on this board, sorry I can't remember who it was, that they need you more than you need them.

Scott Peck really disucsses this issue beautifully. To quote him, albeit from my memory, he says that one of the first things evil inspires in normal human beings is confusion. Usually the "good acts" are purposely engineered to create confusion about judgment of bad ones. He too suggests that we trust this persistent feeling of confusion as a red flag,

good to hear from you again.
Love, Marta

Yo __,

Great to hear from you. Have you spotted any penguins yet?   Did parents call to wish you happy Xmas or vice versa? Have a great one, and come back to to the board soon to tell us all about it.

Marta

As long as your T is not damaging, which does not seem to be the case so far, staying with her couldn't hurt too much, can it?
Love, Marta

I'm not an N..
Love, Marta

I have come to be a firm believer in self-diagnosis, because there is so much negligence out there in the world...

_____, _______, ________

Where ever you are, just know that you are being missed here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lots of love and hugs, Marta

[Marta]

Hi All,

I am grateful for the community we have up here. Most of all, I want to express my thanks to Richard for building this board, continuing to support it through active engagement, and nourishing us by being the one who hears our voice and responds to it. Without him, there would be no community and no support groups. 

I want to make it very clear that I am not exiting this board. But I, and many others like me, already feel exluded on this board a lot of the times. Just scroll down thread after thread, page after page in any given thread, and see how many appeals there are to move on and end the stress that goes on for the rest of the community when two members come to blows. I am not saying I am leaving, she comes with me, and you are not invited. I am saying, this is what some of us need to heal and voice ourselves right now. I am simply creating an extra room where lpeople discuss their issues on a different pitch. Like I said, we will all remain on this board.

The goal is not to be exlusive, but obviously the place is meant to be for those who are driven by similar need to express their wounds in an environment which is not combative, otherwise it would be like carrying on the same battles albeit in a different room. I think the charter of the group is well defined in my announcement and if it fits your needs, send me a PM. I will say this, people who fall under this category have not had any problems in identifying themselves so far.  

Sela, it is not me but you who decides which category you fit into. If you believe that members who come to blows should be allowed to air their interpersonal issues ad nauseum on line, even when it causes stress for others, then you fit into the first. If not, in the second. That does not mean I don't like those who don't fall into the first category or can't learn anything from them, but it means that I am just creating another room where a different menu is served, like I prefer chicken soup some days instead of hot curry. Like I said, we will all be on this board and continue talking to each other.

Movinon, I am glad that you are sqeezed in a conflict-free moment by being decidedly unconflicted about voicing your concerns about the fine print regarding future conflicts where you have unconflictedly declared you don't belong. Don't worry about us, we'll be fine.

Support, I usually don't respond to such posts, but I see that for your very first post to this board, you have chosen a careful study of my past posts, so it would be rather rude to not answer. I am glad that my Nspots are expressed through expressions of goodwill at others instead of hostility. On another note, it is well-known that the best way of dealing with Ns, and that includes me if you think I am one, is to not pay them any attention whatsover. You have honored an N by issuing an abridged edition, firsst one to my knowledge, of her quotes! I mean, I hope you get paid for this laborious job by the N!

Write, thanks for your goodwishes. Can we defer the argument on benefits of gentleness and support for the time being though, for as Voiltaire said, "Never argue at the dinner table for the one who's not hungry always gets the best of the argument."
-- Voiltaire

Xoxoxoxoxo, Marta

[Marta]

In the spirit of our support group, where members will be encouraged to engage in one-on-one discussions about their concerns regarding conflicts, I invite you to PM me with any concerns you may have. Hence I am locking this thread.

Best, Marta