(((((((((((((((movinon))))))))))))))
I know I sounded "cool" but I assure you, as a mother, this is hell. I feel that. But from what I gather, you are still not sure of this. What you are sure of, is that anything is possible with such a person. And, yes, that IS horrifying.
My mother used to tell me that I "borrowed trouble" by worrying so much about the "what ifs". Only recently have I understood what she meant.
I want to be clear, though: I DO NOT think you are overreacting or wanting this in any way, and I certainly hope you know that.
I applaud your bravery in confronting this by not denying it's possibility. But can you give yourself permission to relax every once in a while? Maybe spend five minutes imagining wonderful, not horrible things? I say this just because I know from my own experience how expecting the awful makes every moment awful, even the ones that are just fine, and wonderful.... (My own children are the ones that gave me the great "cattle prod" about this.)
You will not be a bad mother for giving yourself the gift of the "everything is ok" FEELING a few times a day. I don't say you can KNOW this, but try to imagine things are fine,....just so you remember that feeling and so you can give your "fight or flight" stress hormones a rest!! I have been in total panic for days on end and I know it hurt me, even physically, and then I was no good for anyone.
Granted, even without the most horrible possibility, it's pretty bad with this guy. I get that. You will NOT lose those children to him. As a matter of fact, he will lose unsupervised contact with her (them?). I see that happening.
So PLEASE understand that my suggestion that you try to relax and be still inside the pain of the not knowing....is just that, a suggestion that you take care of yourself throughout this ordeal.
I have been thinking about you, and sending you lots of deep breaths and calm visions....bless you, movinon. A mother's love IS an unstoppable power, I really believe that. LOVE WILL set this right.