Taking my daughter for a "physical"

[movinon]

To give you guys an update, my lawyer advised me yesterday to go and get a "physical" done on my 6 yo.  I'm freaking out a little bit about the actual thought that she might find some evidence of sexual abuse.  I will try to get a friend there with me just in case that is the diagnosis b/c I will go ballistic.

My lawyers are also ready to scare the crap out of him, but give him the opportunity to comply - fat chance.  It's all about positioning.  I have switched from the Jr. female partner to the big daddy.  As mentioned on this board, he is likely to be more intimidated by a male.

I just checked my voice mail and her daycare called yesterday and said she had an "accident".  What the f#@k does that mean!!!!   She was with him last night. They aren't open until this afternoon and my stbxh won't respond to any e-mails.  (I've only sent 2 b/c he keeps my daughter's uniforms for school and has my oldest daughter's passport.) 

I will try to get an appointment today so I can find out what happened yesterday!  I am so livid I can barely see straight!

Movinon

[Plucky]

Hi Movinon,
This is all very shocking.  You must be reeling.  I think it is a good idea to have a friend there.  The only good thing about this mess is, she has you to defend her and whatever is happening is going to stop now.
There are so many children out there who have no one willing to take on the responsibility of protecting them.  Your daughter is not going to be a statistic.  If she knows you are in her corner and going to do whatever it takes to protect her, no matter what, she can survive this.  I hope you survive intact too.  I know you will.   Just harness your anger to be productive in your fight.
Plucky

[movinon]

Okay, no friggin doctor I called will see her...they're all telling me to call CPS.  I hate to sound calculating here, but my lawyer has some serious reservations about CPS and getting involved w/ them directly.  They seem like a bunch of screw-ups to be truthful and there's always the possibility of them taking her away from me as well...to what?  Be put in someone's custody that I don't know who could do the same to her?  Anyone heard/experienced foster home stories?  I've got 2 calls in to my lawyer.  I might be sounding a little over the top right now, but I'm scared and confused.

Movinon

[Plucky]

Hi Movinon,
I can only try to imagine the fear and pain of what you are going through.  You sound so reasonable under the circumstances!  And hold onto that, it will serve you in court or wherever this takes you.
I have no practical advice to offer.  Only, talk out everything with your attorney, don't hold back.   And perhaps there are some other boards out there with parents who have had similar experiences.
Gather together your evidence of how you tried to protect your daughter and all the things that make your ex a bad parent.  Even if you have no written evidence, write down what happened and what was done and said.   This will point out how dangerous he is and how little you have to fear for losing your D.  Be honest, even for things you did that now you wish you hadn't.  You don't want to be blindsided by something later, you want to have a good reasoning why things went the way they did.
I'm sorry you have to go through this but I am so glad your littel girl has you to count on.
Plucky

[mum]

Movinon, don't be scared sweetie...if you are it's okay, but don't let it control you. This is horrifying to deal with....but you must deal with it with your head firmly on your shoulders. It will be ok.

If you are opening your conversation with a doctor with: "please look for evidence of sexual abuse when you see my daughter"....then I can totally understand the responses you are getting. If this is so....ask your lawyer about this, because to start with that...it seems to me your ex can take the stand that you already put that in their heads...thus scewing any genuine findings...

Also if your daughter has NOT been sexually abused, the "finding" of evidence may be extremely traumatic. I have a lot of friends who are doctors, and few would feel comfortable with this situation. Doctors lose their careers over this kind of stuff.
I agree that involving CPS is tricky tricky stuff.

Can't you just schedule your child for a physical without any prompting of the doctor? Kids get physical check ups all the time.
If you are asked about concerns, MAYBE that would be the time to tell a doctor (after you are IN the office)  that she had an accident (potty, I assume) at school and want to make sure everything is ok, because of things she tells you about her dad....Then the doctor is in the position of a mandatory reporter.

The other thought I had was that if you REALLY believe that this has happened, in this state anyway, you would be in a mandatory position to report it to the police....not cps.

And if you are concerned about her not wanting to talk....and all the creepy stuff he does that is just under the radar....can you order a custody evaluation, or full blown psych eval with court appointed therapists? Or have you not filed for divorce yet?

Do you REALLY think she has been sexually abused? Granted his behavoir is enough to slash him off the "ever be alone with her" list anyway, but be careful not to freak out....I've read a lot of "back fires" on this.

MOSTLY, you need to relax.  Nothing good comes with panic.  Take a breath.   Be still. Breathe again.  Invoke some faith, in God, in goodness, in whatever works for you.  Try not just to REACT but to be calm and ACT.

Sending you lots of strength....this is unbelievably tough.

[movinon]

Plucky - I have an EXTENSIVELY long list posted under a thread on this board and that is waht I'm working off of.  Thanks for reminding me of that.

Mum - Who the hell wants to even FATHOM that something like this could happen to their baby?  I've been grieving the thought all night and all morning.  So, do I THINK that something has happened?  I can't even say b/c I'm too close to it.  His behaviors are so extreme, it leaves me reeling.    My position is that if there is a symbolence of doubt in my gut, I have to go the protective route.  I sincerely want it to be not true, of course.

I have just been talking to a few friends in the medical field and they all echo what you say mum.  That's why no one wants to touch it.  My lawyer called me back and also reccommended what you said (your genius!). 

schedule your child for a physical without any prompting of the doctor? Kids get physical check ups all the time.
If you are asked about concerns, MAYBE that would be the time to tell a doctor (after you are IN the office)  that she had an accident (potty, I assume) at school and want to make sure everything is ok, because of things she tells you about her dad....Then the doctor is in the position of a mandatory reporter.

I am panicing here b/c I can, but I will take your advice and bee calm in court

I see the people at the DV center today...we'll see.

Movinon

[mum]

(((((((((((((((movinon))))))))))))))
     I know I sounded "cool" but I assure you, as a mother, this is hell. I feel that. But from what I gather, you are still not sure of this. What you are sure of, is that anything is possible with such a person. And, yes, that IS horrifying.
     My mother used to tell me that I "borrowed trouble" by worrying so much about the "what ifs". Only recently have I understood what she meant.
     I want to be clear, though: I DO NOT think you are overreacting or wanting this in any way, and I certainly hope you know that.
     I applaud your bravery in confronting this by not denying it's possibility. But can you give yourself permission to relax every once in a while?  Maybe spend five minutes imagining wonderful, not horrible things?  I say this just because I know from my own experience how expecting the awful makes every moment awful, even the ones that are just fine, and wonderful....  (My own children are the ones that gave me the great "cattle prod" about this.) 
     You will not be a bad mother for giving yourself the gift of the "everything is ok" FEELING a few times a day. I don't say you can KNOW this, but try to imagine things are fine,....just so you remember that feeling and so you can give your "fight or flight" stress hormones a rest!!  I have been in total panic for days on end and I know it hurt me, even physically, and then I was no good for anyone.
     Granted, even without the most horrible possibility, it's pretty bad with this guy. I get that. You will NOT lose those children to him. As a matter of fact, he will lose unsupervised contact with her (them?). I see that happening.
So PLEASE understand that my suggestion that you try to relax and be still inside the pain of the not knowing....is just that, a suggestion that you take care of yourself throughout this ordeal. 
     I have been thinking about you, and sending you lots of deep breaths and calm visions....bless you, movinon. A mother's love  IS an unstoppable power, I really believe that. LOVE WILL set this right.

[movinon]

Thanks mum

I need to be reminded to take it easyb/c I can be such a bear when it comes to protecting my cubs.  I will MAKE THE CHOICE to have some "happy thoughts" and to put this on the back-burner sometimes.  I'm really leary of letting my guard down, but I have choices here and I will make them on behalf of my kids.

Your nurturing and loving words touched me more than you know.  Thank you

Movinon

[Hopalong]

Movinon you are a brave cougar and you are leaping into battle and then leaping over trees and mountaintops, you are strong and marvellous and utterly capable.

You'll turn your pain to fuel, pure fuel, for this push to protect your D.

Such wise advice above about chekcing with your lawyer and then doing a "regular" doctor visit, very soon so evidence won't fade away...this is goodness, and your daughter won't feel shamed if you don't even let that thought in your HEAD. You're just covering her with love and care, and she will sense that from a kind doctor, too.

Will keep praying for you and your precious child.
(She's growing up with a hero.)

Love,
hopalong

[Sela]

Hi Movinon:

You can still take your daughter to the doc.  You don't need anyone's permission to do that.  You can call and insist that it is personal and urgent that you see him/her immediately (that you need to speak to the doc about it, in private).  Then.....explain, once you're there in office.

Sela