Middle School memories

[mum]

Thanks for the support, Mud. You know, my d is not totally sweet. She is very kind to people, but will stick up for the underdogs and what she believes is right, by telling these people off sometimes (no swearing,,,,she is quite 'by the rules").
Perhaps because she is nice, but not a mouse, that she stands out on occassion and jerks like these boys  feel threatened and give her a hard time. I also wondered why I was picked on as a kid...I was not a mouse, but I was nice....I couldn't understand these people were not normal, so I internalized it into "something is  wrong with me" (because everything at 13 is so personal).
People tell me (kids and teachers) that my daughter is popular, but she doesn't think so at all. Isn't that just like adolescence?
I also think her stress level is high because of the looming legal battle with her dad.
She is absolutely right about the school she goes to....I knew this before I sent her there....the academic education is superior, but the social climate can be negative.
She and I both know, moving will be good for many reasons. thanks for the supportive words.

[mudpuppy]

You know now that you mention it this little girl we knew would stick up for her principles too. Maybe that's what bullies dislike; principles.

mud

[Hopalong]

That's ringing a bell for me too.
When I was little I was very tender-hearted and sensitive; as was my D.

It was like blood in the water to the bullies.

Ow.

Hops

[mum]

Is it N to update a thread that concerns your life?  After all the paranoia about US actually beings Ns...I thought I should ask. Now I will answer my own question: No. We are among friends here. We talk about our experiences to help ourselves and help each other.

So I will give you a "girl power" update. My daughter did not have any problems with those particular boys (yet)...so nothing has been done by anyone...except:
Today one of those boys wanted one of D's friends to give him a mint....she said NO and walked away (same boy who had stolen my D's mints last week out of her purse!).So this boy starts saying "fat, fat, fat fat" as D's friend walked away.  My D heard and said "OH, please. That's all you've got? That's getting pretty old!" To which the boy said "oh, shut up" and my D said "ooooh, Snap!" End of exchange. This is the same one who called her fat last week.

Anyway....it was a power moment for her I think. She stood up to him on behalf of her friend (who is also not "fat") and herself, too, I think. She let him know she was not intimidated by him.

Ironically, another girl was overheard telling D's friends that D "has a serious weight problem". Luckily, my D's friends got all over this girl and chewed her out (as it isn't true....my D simply is not "model thin" and  has some curves... she is very pretty, actually!) Then my D told me about a confrontation she had recently with this girl (who always MUST be the "rightest and smartest") where D would not back down.  Well, I guess that explains it (plus the poor girl is struggling with horrible acne and is vertically challenged, my D is tall). This girl also gave my D a lot of crap last year when my D suddenly started looking like a woman....tough time.

So, my daughter is learning to:
Consider the source, and see what projection is...
Stick up for her friends and thus herself....
Put middle school into perspective....

Thanks for listening.

[Hopalong]

That is AWESOME, Mum! (nothing N-ish in the slightest, are you kidding? Relieved proud mother shares update on D's amazing growth? It's only Ns who would implant a shred of self-doubt in a good Mum's head about something like that!!  )

Anyway, I am SO impressed with your D's growing confidence and strength.
It's not hard to guess where it came from (look in the mirror and GRIN, and that's not the "N-mirror"!)

Oh big hoorays.
How I wish I'd had that sort of a champion, guide and ally when I was going through those things.
(And wish I'd known enough to help my own D role play and imagine alternatives to being crushed.)

Good for both of you!

Hopalong

[Surrounded]

I am a little late on this thread, but I want to share a little.   I have just recently moved into an affluent area.  (I am the small house on the block)  I am shocked at these kids behavior!  My younger kids are bullied in the neighborhood and on the bus.  I have confronted the kids nicely once and one of the parents about it and this parent didn't do a thing!!!! I was extremely respectful, maybe too much so. She has had to take her kid out of the school because he got into so much trouble.  They live next door so that makes the neighborhood FUN!

I try to help the bus problem by driving my kids to school in the morning and then letting them handle the ride home.  So I am not totally taking them out of learning to cope, but they don't need that BEFORE school.  This particular bus is so bad that the driver has to stop the bus daily several times on the two mile trip home for the kids to calm down.  They are bulling her too.  She has even thanked my kids repeatedly for being the only ones behaving.  I am shocked at this, but apparently nothing can be done.

My husband just tells me I am NOT helping them by driving them in the morning.  I disagree.  I figure at least for the busride home they can be home in a few minutes where they are loved and they don't need the stress first thing in the morning. 

Also, my oldest daughter(14) was told her first day of school in JR. high that she stunk, so she showers obsessively now. That was 1.5 years ago.   No matter how much I reassure.

My 2nd in Jr. High is teased daily in one class by the kid she sits next to.  She hates it but seems to cope.  At least she can talk about it.   I may have to intervene on that one cause the teacher is starting to bully her a little too.  She is a straight A student and loved science until this teacher came along.  I don't want her grades or enthusiasm to suffer because of this teacher.  Anyway,  my girls are tall and thin and very classically beautiful--not trendy---and talented and sweet.  (mom bragging here) and I know that makes other girls insecure.   I guess.

My 13 year old was asked--- where's the flood----one day cause she is so tall and her pants were slightly short, (my  fault.)   She is so sweet, she didn't even know what they meant.  So even she asked them the next day what they meant.  What a cutie---she made them explain their crap.  It was kinda funny.  Bless her heart!

My kids are sweet and kind and would not do this to any body and I know that is the best target for these bullies.  Hard to tell them to ignore it.  I am realizing now they are learning to put up with some of it because they see me put up with it at home with my H.  Not a very good role model there, but that is soon changing.

Geez, I am so sorry for this happening to people.  I know I would have been a target if I hadn't been athletic and they knew I could take them down.  What they didn't know is that I wouldn't have.  I am not that way.  I look back now and know that (being tall and unusually strong for a girl) was my only saving grace.  Thank goodness for that.  Middle school is a nightmare. 

I learned recently my 1st grader is being bullied at school.  He doesn't understand hitting back or defending himself.  He has grown up with 4 older sisters and I won't allow hitting.  They don't anyway.  He has never had to defend himself.  He is a kind and tender boy.  Rare these days.  He wants to stay home sick when he is not sick here and there, and I let him.  Not right, but what to do????

Just my two cents

Surrounded

[mum]

(((((((((((Surrounded and kids))))))))))))))
I do believe the affluent areas have more of this status seeking, pecking order crap...having taught in several types of school districts.
I could have sworn, reading this, that your kids go to the same schools...
My d is a "staff kid" as in she is there only because I teach there ( and not live there). I am waiting for someone to throw that in her face...
I can't wait to move for a million reasons, but some are that my d will actually go to school in the town she lives in AND I am carefully looking into towns in that area that have the right social climate: not so affluent as to be snotty but still have good programs....
That said: I believe there are mean people and nice people everywhere. So there is no perfect.

I feel for you, I know you have a lot on your plate. And when our kids hurt, we hurt. (((((((((((())))))))))))))))
Sending love and light and peace.

[2002Jessica]

Hello Mum,
It's hard hearing about kids having a hard time at school. I was bullied in highschool by mainly boys. I never got bullied by girls. Is your d getting bullied by mainly boys or girls. I found it very hard being bullied by boys because I wanted to be liked by them not bullied. I got name calling by them too. I don't know how I am going to go if my kids get bullied. I worry about my son because he has a slight learning difficulty. Hes only 3 at the moment. I think you are a fantastic mum to her. I want to be like that. My mum and dad didn't care when I told them I was bullied. I just accepted that I deserved it, anyhow I was treated worse by my parents anyway. Your daughter has you to be her safe place to fall. Moving will help too. Start anew. Take care, don't worry too much you are doing a great job.
Jessica

[2224Jessica]

Hi, sorry guys, that was me, I got my user name wrong or something
love Jessica

[mum]

Thanks, Jessica. I am certain you child is lucky to have such a wonderful mom as you. I appreciate your kindness toward me.
I just try to do what is respectful and right, and hopefully my kids will turn out ok. I blow it plenty, let me tell you, but I am not afriad of learning in front of my kids.